Chapter 23
Ainsley
“I know you juniors are excited about prom this weekend, but don’t forget we have a game on Saturday morning first.”
“Yes, Coach,” they say in unison.
The chatter during this week’s practice has been all about dress colors, dates, and nail designs.
“Who was your date to prom, Coach?” Natalie asks.
“No one.” I steal a glance at Landon. “I went with a bunch of friends.”
“That’s what we’re doing,” Dominique says.
“I still don’t get Junior Prom.” Raymond shakes his head. “Doesn’t it take the specialness out of actual prom when you’re seniors?”
“Nah, it just gives us another reason to get dressed up.” Tori grins. “And party.”
My eyes narrow on the juniors. “You better be smart. I don’t need my players getting kicked off the team because they made a dumb decision.”
They share knowing glances and fail to hide their excited smiles.
I heave a sigh. I was in high school once. I know what kind of trouble these kids can get into. But I didn’t have technology to record every second of it for the world to see.
“Just don’t drink and drive,” Landon says, pushing off the grass and brushing off his pants.
As both teams finish stretching, they make their way to their parents waiting in the parking lot.
Jayden, a freshman on Landon’s team, hangs back. “Coach Ainsley, can I talk to you for a minute?”
My eyes flick to Landon. “You don’t want to talk to your coach?”
She shakes her head, fidgeting with the hem of her shorts as she glances between the both of us. “Sorry, Coach. It’s, uh, girl stuff.”
Landon chuckles. “Understood. See you tomorrow.”
Once everyone leaves, I gesture to the bleachers. “What’s going on, Morales?”
She lowers herself beside me, picking at the skin around her fingernails.
“Uh, well...I guess I just need some advice.” She swallows and lifts her green eyes up to mine.
“My whole life, I’ve felt different, like I don’t belong in my body.
” She pauses, her knee bouncing like crazy. “Like I’m in the wrong body.”
I nod, and I don’t say anything because I want her to keep talking. She needs to get this out.
She licks her lips and straightens her shoulders. “I’m trans.”
My chest swells with pride at the confidence in which Jayden admits it. “What have your parents said about this?”
Jayden huffs out a humorless laugh. “Yeah, right. I can’t talk to them about this.”
Shit. I figured as much, but still...I need to tread carefully here.
“Well, I honestly don’t have experience with this.” I hike a shoulder, aiming for calm and comfortable. “What kind of advice are you looking for?”
Jayden blows out a long breath. “You played on a boys’ team when that wasn’t allowed. I don’t want to switch teams; I’d want to stay here, with the girls. Do you...do you think the school would allow that? If I, you know, transitioned?”
My brain runs a mile a minute, trying to figure out the best way to guide Jayden. “When I was told I couldn’t play boys’ lacrosse, I didn’t take no for an answer. And I had a coach who believed in me, and supported me through that time.”
Her eyes light up with hope.
“However,” I add. “This isn’t a decision you make on your own. You need to talk to your parents about this. That’s the first step. They can help you navigate this, and take the steps that are best for you. And I can’t speak for Coach Landon, but I’m pretty sure he’d love to keep you on his team.”
There’s so much more to this than what I went through years ago. The world has polarizing opinions on the transgender community, especially when it involves an underage teen.
I can’t be the one to make this decision with Jayden. But I can be here for support.
Jayden’s shoulders slump. “My parents will never let me do this.”
“You don’t know until you try. Sometimes people surprise you.”
Jayden levels me with a look before I even finish speaking. “Trust me, I know my parents.”
I chew on my bottom lip as I glance out at the empty field. “I think transitioning is a big decision with lots of other steps preceding it. Start small. Take one step at a time.”
“Like what?”
“Like this.” I gesture between the both of us. “You just told me. That’s a big deal. You should feel really proud of yourself.”
A small smile pushes up Jayden’s cheeks. “Thanks.”
“Do your friends know? Any of your teammates?”
“I’ve been wanting to tell them, but I don’t want them to think differently of me.”
I get it. High school is a harsh place of judgement.
“Like I said, start small. Pick one friend to confide in, and see how it goes. The more people you talk to about this, the easier it might get to talk to your parents.” I touch Jayden’s shoulder. “You need a support system.”
Tears well behind Jayden’s lids.
“You’re not alone, Jayden. And don’t forget, high school is temporary.
Once you’re an adult and you move on, you realize the world isn’t as small as it seems. Spend the time now thinking about what you want your future to look like, and be certain that you can achieve it.
I think that’s my biggest piece of advice for you today: You have to believe in yourself and be confident that you will get the things you want. ”
Jayden nods. “Thank you for listening.”
“Of course.” I pause. “Can I ask, do you want to be called different pronouns?”
I don’t want to keep referring to Jayden as she and her if it’s not what she wants.
“I’d love to be called he/him.” A lone tear slips down Jayden’s cheek. “Thank you for asking that.”
“Jayden, you ready?”
My head snaps up to Jayden’s mother as she waves from the entrance to the parking lot.
I wave back. “Sorry, we’re coming.”
Jayden stands and heaves a sigh. “I told Mom we were going over game strategies.”
A tiny knot forms in the pit of my stomach. “We shouldn’t be lying to your parents, Jayden. It puts me in a tough position.”
“I’m sorry. I just didn’t know who else to talk to.”
“It’s okay. I’m here for you. We all are.”
“Thanks, Coach.” A timid smile spreads across Jayden’s face. “Please don’t tell anyone yet.”
“I won’t.”
It’s not my secret to tell.
I climb out of my Jeep and hoist my duffle out of the back seat before making my way up my driveway.
Brown eyes stare back at me. Landon sits on my porch with a plastic white shopping bag beside him. I recognize the yellow smiley face on the bag, and my stomach somersaults with excitement.
“What are you doing here, Fletcher?”
“Figured we could go over the list of repairs.” He pushes off the porch and stands to his full height, lifting the bag with him. “Brought lunch.”
I trudge up the porch steps and stick my key into the lock, my mouth salivating from the smell of my favorite Chinese food restaurant in town. “Thanks, I’m starving.”
“I haven’t eaten here since I’ve been back.”
“That should’ve been your first stop when you touched down at the airport.” I toss my bag onto the floor in the entryway and head straight for the kitchen.
“I wasn’t sure if Chen still owned the place.”
“Oh my god.” I spin around as Landon sets the bag on the kitchen table. “I totally forgot about that.”
Landon’s eyes widen. “How could you forget about The Great Duck Sauce Debate of 2006?”
Laughter spills out of me. “You were so mad that he wouldn’t give you more than two packets.”
“I was a paying customer. How could you limit a person to two packets? He was rationing my condiment intake.”
I close my eyes as I laugh harder. “The look on his face when you brought in a jar from the grocery store was priceless. I thought he was going to kill you.”
Landon plants his hands on his hips. “Think about it. Every restaurant either gives you a bottle of ketchup, or unlimited packets. Chen acted like a couple extra packets were going to break the bank.”
The two were always at each other’s throats, and everyone in town knew they’d be in for a comedy show free of charge with their meal every time we stepped foot inside China Moon.
“We should go in for dinner one day. See if Chen remembers you.”
Landon’s eyebrow arches. “You saying we should go on a date, Morgan?”
I sputter. “No, not what I was suggesting.”
Landon grins as he turns to pull out the white containers from the bag. “If you want to go on a date, just ask.”
My jaw pops. “I don’t want to go on a date with you.”
“You just said we should.”
“I said we should go to China Moon and—”
“Eat dinner.” Landon shoots me a wink as he sits. “You want to go to dinner with me.”
I throw my hands up. “I can’t with you.”
He takes a giant bite of his egg roll and grins, shredded cabbage hanging out of his mouth.
I roll my eyes.
“Everything okay with Jayden?” he asks. His tone is curious, not accusatory in any way.
Guilt grips my stomach as I lie. “Yeah, you know how intense it is during this time of year, with prom and all the drama.”
“I don’t envy them.” Landon pulls out several white cartons and sets them on the table. “I’d hate to be back in high school.”
I drop into the chair across from him and busy myself with eating. If I don’t speak, then I can’t lie to him about Jayden.
Closing my eyes, I lean back in my seat. “Damn, this is good.”
Landon talks around a ball of noodles in his cheek. “Not a thing has changed.”
“Speaking of changes...” I glance around the kitchen. “Can you really spruce up these cabinets?”
“Absolutely.” He dabs the corner of his mouth with a napkin. “They’ll still look the same, only smoother with a fresh coat of paint.”
New cabinets and floors would totally transform the room. “Then it won’t look so outdated in here.”
“See, I don’t mind it. That’s what gives it life. This place holds memories.”
“My dad used to say that.” I bite into my egg roll.
“Everything in this house holds a memory of the times my family shared. The stained carpets, the dented walls, Dad’s torn recliner.
And now it feels like I’m erasing it. Like I’m erasing pieces of my parents.
And to think, someone else is going to live here, and it’ll be as if we never existed at all. ”
“It won’t erase the memories in your head. You get to take those with you, wherever you go.” Landon reaches across the table and clasps my hand. “But you don’t have to sell this house. If it upsets you to sell it, then maybe that means you shouldn’t.”
“What about you?” I volley the seriousness to him instead. “Did you enjoy living in California? Do you miss it now that you’re back?”
Will you stay?
I wait for his answer while he chews. “It’s definitely beautiful. And I did enjoy my time there. But it didn’t feel like home. All those years, and it still felt like I was visiting.”
My head tilts. “What do you think was missing?”
He gazes into my eyes as if he’s searching for the answer. “If it weren’t for my dad, I would’ve moved back here after college. I only stayed out there to get away from him.”
I hum, nodding as I bring my fork to my lips. “Did you date anyone?”
“College was college.” The corner of his mouth tips up. “Then I had a girlfriend for a while, but I ended things when I felt it getting too serious.”
My eyebrows jump. “Really? Why?”
“She wanted more from me than I was willing to give.”
My breath catches. “And what is it that you’re not willing to give?”
“My heart.”
I quirk a brow. “To her, or to anyone?”
“I’ll only give my heart to the person I’m meant to be with. No sense wasting time with anyone else.”
A vision of Landon holding his future child with his future wife by his side flashes through my mind. It catches me off guard, never having thought about either of us in the future.
Why does it hurt?
Landon’s chair scrapes against the floor as he pushes out of his chair, collecting the garbage.
“What about you? Have you given your heart away yet?” he asks.
The closest I ever got was giving it away to him.
I look up into his brown eyes, and shake my head. “No.”
He leans close, and presses his lips to my cheek. “Good.”
Wearing a small smirk, he struts over to the garbage and drops the empty cartons into it.
Leaving me dumbfounded at the kitchen table.