28. Archer
ARCHER
“You’re halfway through your pregnancy now, have you thought at all about your birth plan?”
“I thought the plan was like…to give birth?” Allie grits her teeth, tossing me a weary look.
I cough into my hand, covering up a laugh.
Our midwife, Claire, flashes us a bemused glance. “Your primary care physician in Santa Monica, Dr. Elliot, referred you to our center in part because of our holistic maternal practices. That’s something you were interested in, right?”
Dr. Abbey is still Allie’s physician, and is around for any emergencies or concerns, but after meeting with a midwife a few weeks ago, Allie took a great liking to Claire, and she’s now supporting us through the pregnancy too.
“Yeah, I guess.” Allie shrugs. “My mom has always been a little woo woo with holistic healing. Crystals for mindset, essential oils for headaches, raspberry tea for period cramps. She likes Dr. Elliot because she supports those practices, but I want to make sure I’m doing whatever is best for the baby. ”
“Well, in my experience, barring high risk pregnancy and health concerns, the best thing for the baby is making sure Mom is comfortable. Our goal here is to carry you through the pregnancy and birth in whatever way works best for you. Labor can have unexpected turns, but it’s good to have a plan for your ideal experience, and I’ll be here with you every step of the way, whether that be the hospital, a birthing center, or even a home birth. ”
Allie winces, sucking in a sharp breath. “Home birth.”
Claire chuckles. “Yes. Many parents are a little apprehensive about it, but I’ve performed several, and all have resulted in very happy babies and families.”
“Right.” Allie nods. “Totally believe you, it’s just…we’re living in someone’s guesthouse right now and I don’t love the idea of…birthing all over their home.”
Claire laughs in earnest now. “Okay, okay. We’ll check that one off the list.”
Allie smiles to herself, a bemused snort leaving her nose.
“Yeah, I… I think the plan should be to make it as comfortable as possible. Most importantly, I want my baby to be okay, but I also heard that you can like…tear straight up to your asshole and that sounds terrible. I’d love to avoid that, if possible. ”
Claire’s eyebrows shoot into her hairline, blue eyes widening behind her glasses in pure amusement.
She nods. “We’ll do our absolute best.” She laughs to herself, glancing down at Allie’s chart.
“Your blood pressure looks okay, but I’d like to continue monitoring that.
Your vitals look great, though. I know you haven’t been…
” She smirks. “Comfortable at times, but you’re healthy, and that’s what matters.
Hopefully now that dad is back, he’s helping with that, though. ”
As she tosses me a wink, I glance at Allie, not missing the blush creeping up her neck as her eyes go wide, dancing everywhere around the examination room but me.
“Right.” Allie flashes a smile. “I’ve been feeling much better. Thank you.”
Claire’s eyes bounce between Allie and me before she nods, sliding back on her stool.
“All right. Well, I’ll go grab Maria, the ultrasound tech, and she’ll be in to check out the baby with you both.
We should be able to find out the sex today, if you’re interested.
I’ll also grab some informational pamphlets on some birthing centers in the area, if that’s an option you’d like to explore. ”
When she leaves the room, I immediately turn toward Allie as she climbs onto the exam table. “What is it I need to help you with? What’s been making you uncomfortable?”
She barks a laugh. “Oh, nothing. I promise. She was just making a joke.” Allie waves me off as she lies back and lifts her shirt. “Like she said, I’m perfectly healthy.”
I frown, wanting to press, but I hold back.
I could see the distance in Allie’s gaze on Friday when I came home. It’s like we’ve forgotten how to communicate with each other. The one person in the world I’ve known better than any other, it’s as if I’m only meeting for the first time now.
I’m trying to unravel her nuances, figure out who she really is.
Part of me wonders if we don’t truly know each other at all anymore. If the years of distance have changed us, and the versions of ourselves that we become when we’re together are merely ghosts of our past.
I think this pregnancy did more than rattle our foundation—I think it detonated it. I think we’re standing in rubble now, and we have to rebuild, but everything we thought we knew has to be reconstructed in a different way.
As if I’m some groupie you got saddled with against your fucking will.
It gutted me when she said that. That she could ever think I’d see her that way. That she could ever think I could want anything besides her. Baby, no baby, pregnant or not, she’s everything.
It hurt me when she didn’t tell me about the pregnancy, but it’s nothing in comparison to the way it felt when she said those words to me. When I realized I’d somehow led her to believe that she’s become nothing more than an obligation to my honor.
Our trust is fractured, but I refuse to let it become broken beyond repair.
I’ll always be in love with Allie. I don’t know how not to be, and I have no interest in learning that. I want to love her. I want to be with her. I want this baby with her, and all the complications that come with that, but I know we need to restore this friendship first.
That’s the basis we’ve always lived off, and I think it’s more important now than ever.
I reach out, grasping Allie’s hand as I sit beside where she’s laid out on the table, squeezing her fingers tightly. Her gaze drops to our joined hands, before lifting to my face, brown eyes flaring, glistening with something that feels a hell of a lot like hope. She offers a soft smile.
There is a knock on the door before it creaks open and a short, brunette woman peeks her head in. “Hi, are you two ready to see the baby?”
“We are,” Allie chimes.
“Great.” She enters the room, pulling over the monitor from the corner and stationing it in front of the bed before she flicks off the lights. “Are you wanting to find out the sex right now, or would you like us to send you home with the information sealed to find out later?”
Allie looks to me for confirmation, and I nod, saying, “We’d like to know right now.”
“Perfect.” She dabs some gel onto Allie’s abdomen before pressing down the wand, an image appearing on the screen in front of us as she maneuvers across Allie’s stomach.
“Today, we’re going to get to see all their little anatomy.
” The ultrasound tech smiles. “We’ll check development and ensure they look good on that front.
Take some measurements, and then we’ll see if it’s a boy or girl. ”
“What do you feel like they are?” I ask in a whisper, leaning close to Allie’s ear.
“In my head, I see a girl, but I try not to think too hard about it because I don’t want to get my hopes up one way or another. I’ll be happy no matter what.”
“Me too,” I say, planting my lips over her knuckles where I hold our hands together.
The tech points out the baby’s organs, now developed enough for us to see things like their brain, spine, and tiny heart. We can see their arms and legs more clearly now, and we’re told their measurements are right on track for twenty weeks.
“Okay, are you ready to find out?”
“Please.” Allie laughs. “The anticipation is killing me.”
Maria laughs. Moving the wand across her belly again, she says, “So you can see here…” Pointing to the screen, I have no idea what I’m supposed to be seeing, but it doesn’t fucking matter, because she tells us next, “You’re having a girl.”
A girl.
Allie’s head whips to me, eyes lined with tears as the biggest grin spreads over her mouth.
It’s reminiscent of the carefree, unfiltered joy that so often blanketed her face when we were children.
“I lied a little bit earlier,” she whispers with a wistful laugh.
“I really, really hoped it’d be a girl.”
A vision dances behind my eyes.
Dark curls bouncing, brown eyes lit with laughter, pert nose and freckled cheeks.
It’s Allie as a little girl that I see inside my mind, but I know our daughter is who I’m envisioning.
Our daughter.
I laugh in disbelief, studying Allie’s beautiful, bright face. “Me too. I hoped for a girl too.”
“I’ll give you two a moment, and we’ll meet you up front when you’re ready to schedule your next appointment,” the tech whispers as she clicks off the monitor and cleans the gel off Allie’s belly before quietly leaving the room.
Allie pays no mind to any of it, gaze fixed on me instead. Raw, all-consuming joy bursts within her dark irises as she lifts a hand to my cheek. “I hope she has your eyes.”
I brush my lips against her forehead. “I hope she has your everything.”