Chapter 38
Kiera
I stumbled midway through an exercise, my hand limp around my sword hilt.
Fight Aiden?
Nikella had never pitted us against each other. He’d trained nearby when I trained with Ruru. I’d snuck glances at him when he and Maz fought, shirtless and sweaty. Aiden was all honed power and dangerous beauty when he whirled about with his sword.
I could only hope to be half as good one day. But now?
“Why?” I blurted out, watching Aiden with the same hesitation that lined his jaw.
Nikella’s eyes were more serious than ever. The pale light cast tree shadows over her face and body. “I told you I would train your head, heart, and body. You have many emotional battles ahead of you. Therefore, you must master your emotions when you fight.”
Aiden slowly set aside his bow and arrows and picked up his sword. I backed farther into the small clearing. He followed me, his eyes dark and his sword tip pointed to the ground.
He no longer looked like the warm, teasing man from the road. He looked like the wild warrior I’d seen in the mountain village. The one who’d emerged from the depths of the mine. The one from that night in the palace.
Was this his way of scaring me out of our plan, even though he’d said he understood my reasons?
I gripped my sword harder.
I am a warrior. I am stronger than my fear.
Aiden didn’t wait for Nikella’s word. He attacked. I blocked, shuffled my feet the way Nikella had taught me, and struck back. He easily deflected it and came at me with a series of strikes from all directions.
Sweat poured down my neck as I tried to keep up. I swung wide, and he kicked my foot out from under me. I crashed to one knee.
He whipped his sword at my neck, stopping a hair’s breadth from my skin.
Fear gaped like a black hole in my chest. For a moment, it wasn’t Aiden, but Renwell holding a blade to my throat.
Aiden must’ve seen the change in my eyes, because he immediately backed away.
“You’re locking up,” Nikella growled at me as I rose to my feet. “You’re thinking too much. Try again.”
We went again, and Aiden ended it by tapping the flat of his sword on my back, where an enemy would’ve sliced me open.
My legs shook with exhaustion. “He’s much better than me. Faster. Stronger. I can’t beat him yet. I need more training.”
Nikella scowled at me. She’d never looked angry during our sessions before. “He might always be those things. Renwell and Korvin are also faster and stronger, as are most of the Wolves and soldiers and thousands more. Did that stop you when you charged that Wolf in Caddik’s kitchen?”
“No,” I said quietly.
“Did it stop you when you fought the Wolves in the alley in Aquinon?”
Shame curdled in my gut. “No.”
“No,” Nikella said firmly. “You used your particular skills without hesitation. You exploited the first weakness you found. Every fighter has one or several.”
My pulse quickened. Her words closely echoed her brother’s.
Gods damn your little weaknesses. You’re looking for a weakness where there is none.
“I understand,” I said, taking deep, slow breaths to calm my racing heart.
Maz and Ruru had finished setting up camp and now sat watching us. Aiden remained silent, his gaze flicking over me as if noting all of my weaknesses.
I sighed heavily and turned partially away from him, holding my sword casually.
The moment he shifted, I attacked without warning.
He was still gods-damned fast, but I kept throwing him off.
I leaned back when he did. Then I threw myself against him when he charged.
I whipped out one of my throwing knives and jabbed the hilt into his ribs and neck. Then I dropped low and tripped him.
He twisted like a cat midair and rolled me beneath him as he fell, his sword edge at my neck once more. He panted through his grin, his eyes brighter than emeralds. “There’s my sneaky little thief,” he rasped.
I wriggled under him, trying to free my knife hand, which was pinned in the dirt beneath his knee. “I still lost,” I tried to snarl, but it came out too breathy.
He was gods-damned heavy, and it felt too gods-damned good.
Nothing like being under Renwell’s boot.
Aiden’s grin softened. “If you hadn’t used your knife hilt, I would at least be bleeding all over you right now.”
My gaze dipped down to those bowed lips, the dark stubble that I remembered scraping deliciously over my skin. “It’s not enough.”
His body tightened over mine. “No, it’s not.”
A chorus of whistles and applause jerked my attention away. Maz and Ruru grinned from their seats as if we’d put on a spectacular show.
Nikella’s expression was closely guarded. “Better. Again.”
Maz and Ruru went hunting with Maz’s whistler and simple metal darts, while Aiden and I fought over and over.
Aiden quickly picked up on my little tricks, so I had to keep getting creative. It was actually a bit . . . fun. And invigorating, despite my body feeling like one big bruise.
Nikella only let us stop when I sneaked in my first “killing” blow. By then, Maz and Ruru had already eaten their roasted quail and were now dozing next to the fire.
“No need to wake Maz,” Nikella said, settling herself on a rock in the shadows with her naked spear. “I’ll take first watch.”
Aiden gave her a heavy look, his lips pressed tightly together. Perhaps I wasn’t the only one who’d noticed Nikella’s surliness.
But he said nothing and went to check on the horses, chewing on leftover quail meat.
I used my sleeve to wipe the sweat from my brow, then sat on the ground next to Nikella.
She said nothing, merely continued to stare into the dark woods.
“Are you worried about Jek and the others?” I asked quietly.
I’d told her what Jek had told me—about his feelings on Arduen’s Night seven years ago. Her eyes had flared, and she’d ridden alone the rest of the day. She’d been more withdrawn than ever on this journey.
“They can take care of themselves,” she said.
I clasped my arms around my drawn-up knees. “Is it Korvin then? Is that why you’re pushing me harder than Ruru?”
“You asked for my help. Do you not want it anymore?”
I blew out a frustrated breath. Stubborn woman. “Of course I do. I’m just . . . I’m just worried about you, Nikella.”
She finally looked down at me, surprise loosening the frown etched between her brows. She studied me for a moment in that way of hers. Then her shoulders relaxed under her long hood.
“The letter you sent to Henry,” she said slowly. “It made me think of preparations I should make if Korvin accomplishes what he’s wanted all these years and kills me.”
“That won’t happen,” I declared.
She gave me a look that clearly told me she didn’t need my reassurance. “It might. And it made me realize I need to prepare you as much as possible for what is coming.”
“Why me?”
“Because my brothers are after you, too,” she said, her eyes pained. “Not to kill you, but to make you a monster like them. I can’t let that happen.”
Did she think I would become Renwell’s little soldier again, like Aiden had suggested on the mountain?
I clenched my jaw. “They won’t. I feel nothing but vengeance for them.”
“That’s what I’m afraid of. Revenge only takes. It never gives.” She glanced to where Aiden was bedding down for the night near Maz and Ruru. “What has revenge ever given Aiden? Or you?”
Loss. Betrayal. Pain.
“Should they get away with every crime they commit?” I demanded.
Nikella shook her head. “They should be held accountable for every atrocity. Justice is for the good of everyone. Revenge is only for yourself.” She stroked her fingers along the gleaming silver of her spear. “Renwell killed our father.”
I startled, my mouth falling open.
“He never admitted as much,” she continued, as if patricide was common in her world. “But one night, our father wandered off, drunker than usual, and they found him the next day on the riverbank. Drowned.”
“He might’ve just hit his head and fallen in,” I said. Not to defend Renwell, but to offer Nikella some peace of mind.
She pressed her scarred lips together. “No other signs of injury. And he hated the river. Couldn’t swim. Never went near water if he could help it. He’d also beaten Renwell rather badly that night. It was just like my brother to make someone’s worst fear come true.”
I remembered the way Renwell had occasionally protected me against Father’s wrath, had told me I was better than him.
“Perhaps he was protecting all of you from your father,” I said.
Nikella’s gaze sharpened. “Your desire to see the good in people is admirable until it makes you willfully blind.”
Wounded, I opened my mouth to argue, but she cut me off.
“I told you before that Renwell doesn’t care for you or me.
That I was like you when I was younger. Any time he stepped between me and our father or me and Korvin, I thought he might love me.
But he was simply playing with my emotions, the way Korvin played with my pain.
He wanted to see how far he could twist them.
I understood the truth when he left me with Korvin without a backward glance. ”
She broke off, breathing hard. Her eyes grew distant as she gazed east. “When you’ve experienced very little real love in your life, it’s hard to see it even when it’s standing right in front of you, asking you to choose it.”
I frowned. Was she speaking of Jek? Of the feelings he told me to pass on to her?
My gaze fell to Aiden. I’d experienced love from Mother, Everett, and Delysia. With friends like Maz and Ruru, Melaena and even Nikella.
But with Aiden? Our shared past and broken trust. The new heated moments we shared. The teasing that felt too real. It confused me. Made me want to run toward it and away from it all at once.
“Or,” Nikella continued, “when your heart is broken and even the smallest bit of comfort is addictive, it’s easy to mistake a few calculated words and actions as the love we seek.”
My heart rose to my throat. I knew where she was going with this.
Her eyes were kind as she said, “Renwell stepped in when you were vulnerable. He hardened and twisted your heart when it was at its weakest. He used you, manipulated you, and tried to forge you into a weapon he could leash to his side. That sort of treatment would cloud anyone’s judgment.”
I ducked my head to hide the tears that brimmed in my eyes. Every word rang so true, I felt deaf from their clamor.
She wasn’t telling me she thought I was weak. She was telling me she understood. That her life with her family had shaped her in ways that still harmed her today.
Moments slipped by while I struggled to fit everything she’d said into my heart.
I lifted my head. “You want me to understand you. Understand him. So that I won’t end up like any of you.”
A small smile disrupted the scar that split her face.
“Exactly. You have a future, Kiera. A good one, if you fight for it. One that could include love and happiness if you let it.” Nikella purposefully glanced at Aiden.
“You inspired him to want his own future for once. Your instincts are good. You’ll learn to trust them again. ”
I blinked in surprise. Was she telling me to pursue Aiden? Did she think there was any world in which we could be together after all this?
Even as the thought crossed my mind, so did the image of the two of us exploring the world together. Sailing across sky-blue water. Scrambling over sandy rooftops. Watching Arduen’s Mountain set itself aflame. All in each other’s arms. Nothing between us and nothing in our way.
Free.
The campfire hissed and crackled, shattering the illusion in my mind. Such a life couldn’t happen.
I refused to think of the darkest potential future. Dead and defeated. No. Aiden would be king. I knew it in my bones, even if he didn’t. Rellmira needed him. Rellmira was his.
But me? I would take Everett and Delysia and we would start over somewhere new. Somewhere without terrible memories haunting us.
We would be free, yes. And I would be alone.