Chapter Twenty-One
Claire
My gaze stays trained on Jamison as the state trooper pulls him away. I’d seen what the guy said to him, but before I could become a buffer between them, Jamison struck. There was nothing I could do to stop him. Chadwick grabs my arm as I start their direction, knowing my goal before I could move.
I turn toward Chadwick, my brow wrinkled. I don’t like to be held back like that. Chadwick pulls his phone out to type a message. Once finished, he passes it to me. Give him some time to cool off.
I know he needs the time, but I’m not letting him sit in jail either. We all have dark moments, but that’s what friends are for. To be there to help you through them.
I’m not letting him stay in jail, I type quickly and hand the phone back to him.
It doesn’t take Chadwick long to give a response. He won’t sit in jail. Hollis is a friend of ours. Come on, I’ll take you home.
When I glance up, his expression is sure. Perhaps he’s right, but Jamison punched the mayor’s son at his daughter”s wedding. I’m not as sure of Jamison coming home tonight, but if Chadwick is, I’ll trust him.
Rylee steps up and rests her hand on my shoulder, and we follow Finn outside. The eyes of the guests stay in our direction as we escape. The bride is crying, her husband and father discussing something while Lizzy’s mother tries to comfort her. Jamison gave them exactly what everyone was waiting for—a show of what they believe was the jilted ex. That wasn’t the case; the guy Jamison hit knew exactly how to press Jamison’s buttons by bringing his late mother into it.
We load into the back of the SUV and make the drive back to town. I rest my head on the window and stare out at the night passing me by. Finn pulls up to my father’s place after the drive, and I climb out. I give a quick wave goodbye and take the short path up to the cabin. The porch light is off. My parents were not expecting me tonight. I was supposed to spend the night with Jamison before I leave for Anchorage in the morning.
I unlock the door and make my way through the house. It’s dark, but there’s a harsh light coming from the television in the living room. Dad rises from his chair and joins me in the kitchen when he hears me enter.
What happened? he asks, his gray brows dipped low.
I wasn’t there for him like I should have been,I sign back. I should have gotten him out of that wedding before things escalated. That’s what I should have seen coming as his girlfriend. Not that I knew he had such a temper with Lizzy’s brother, but his mom is definitely a sore spot.
Explain to me, Dad asks and takes a seat at the table. He clears a spot, his History Channel show all but forgotten in the other room. Dad moves some of Daisy’s journals around, and I remember how much I want to show these to Jamison, even though he doesn’t want to read them. I pull it off the table, the one I’m certain talks of the dad he doesn’t know. I hold it, then set it in my lap so I can sign to Dad.
Everyone was giving him a hard time. Like they expected him to fight. And it was fine until Lizzy”s brother said something about his mom, then Jamison lost control and punched him. He said it was Jamison’s fault she died? I don’t understand.
Dad shakes his head, annoyance wrinkling his brow. Damn. I knew this was going to happen. That’s why I don’t bother with the town residents.
He shakes his head again and rises from the table to get us both a drink. He makes his scotch and brings me water. I rise to grab my own matching tumbler and sit back down. I want this tonight. I have only drunk a few times in the past, and it’s always Dad’s good scotch.
After he pours us both a shot and caps the bottle, he continues, I hoped Jamison would explain. Did you leave him after?
He left with the trooper. Someone named Hollis. I tip back the shot and wince as it goes down. I’m not good at this, and it’s been since Maddie’s death that we’ve sat like this.
Son of a bitch. My father’s curse is sharp, the sign exaggerated. He’s pissed, and that seldomly shows to his family. He’s a rugged and wild Alaskan, so it’s always there simmering beneath the surface. I just don’t see it often.
His shot glass hits the table before he starts again. Jamison had just lost his dream job. He started drinking and ended up in jail a few times. He was supposed to have made that flight his mother died on. She covered for him and made the flight herself. Her reasons for leaving Cordova so quickly after, I think only you and I know after reading her journals. She lost Victor up there, but I don’t think she told anyone.
Dad takes another drink before continuing. Jamison and most of this damn town blame him for his mother’s death. Jamison should have made that flight, not Daisy. Sometimes, I think he wishes it was him instead. It’s been years, and he’s a different man now. He’s been different since you.
But he still has his demons? I have never seen someone lose control like that. I’m sure of Dad’s answer before I ask, but I look to my father to verify.
Don’t we all?
I nod and stare down at my empty tumbler and the journal next to me. She never told Jamison who his dad is. I know he’s dead now, but should I tell him? He refuses to read these journals.
Dad meets my gaze. You really care for him, don’t you? Even after this tonight, you still plan to be there for him?
Of course. We don’t give up on those we care about after a mistake.
Dad smiles, then refills my tumbler.
◆◆◆
I wake the next morning and check my phone. There’s no messages from Jamison. I’m not sure what to do, and I contemplate that throughout my morning routine. I wonder if it’s better to give him space or invade his world deeper as I make my morning run.
I end my run, then stop by my parents’ house to clean up and grab my bag. A few moments later, I’m standing on his front porch. I’m still not sure if he’s back yet, but Chadwick swore he wasn’t staying in jail. Maybe they just talked and Jamison came back late last night. He still should have called me. I knock again, my fist hitting the wood harder. I have only a few hours before I need to head home, but I’ll do everything I can to see him first.
The door opens, and Jamison steps out. He doesn’t look good. He’s tired, but what concerns me most is that he looks dejected. Done and over. Like he doesn’t want to even see me today. That realization stabs me right in the chest. It feels like he’s cutting me out. Blocking me out. You don’t do that to the people you care about.
I shake my head, because right now he isn’t the man I’m falling for. He’s giving up, but I don’t want him to. Last night was a setback, a moment when he broke, but I didn’t mind seeing that; what I mind seeing is him giving up instead. I will take all the pieces of this man and hold him together. I’m strong enough.
We need to discuss what happened.
You shouldn’t have seen that. I’m not a good person. I don’t deserve you, so you should leave.
Is he really going to give up on us so easily? If he’s so scared for me to see his true sides, all of them, then perhaps we weren’t moving in the direction I’d hoped.
You made a mistake. I don’t care. Sometimes being in a relationship, it happens. Find me when you decide to give this between us a real shot. Because I know what I want.
I shove a letter and his mom’s journal his way. I wanted to share with him discovering who his father was, but he’s not ready to have me around. Until he’s ready to forgive himself, I’ll give him space. With a quick lean toward him, I give him a peck on his cheek. The desire to linger is strong, but when his body stays coiled tight, I pull away. His head stays tilted down. He needs to be strong enough to forgive himself and ready to take a risk on us.
I hope he finds the courage and seeks me out again. I take the drive home knowing I’m leaving a large chunk of my heart in northern Alaska this time.
◆◆◆
Two weeks later, I stare at the letter from the University of Washington as I rest in my living room. I thought maybe it was Jamison coming to his senses when I first opened the mailbox, but no. I’ll keep watching for his letters because this space between us is getting old quick. I miss him.
I tear into the letter and start reading. They are requesting I move back to Washington and accept a position on the board. There were many things Sean Westin and I did for the deaf community before we both went back home. He had returned to Georgia, and I moved here with Maddie. I was helping the university develop resources for the deaf community that would change things. The importance of bringing awareness in hearing classrooms is important to me. But so are my kids here. There are so many things I have in Alaska. I set the letter aside, but it’s something to consider. I could even finish the doctorate I left behind if I return.
Andrea plops down on the couch next to me. She’s been coming around more often. After I explained to her what happened, she asked to hang out and brought me ice cream. She’s been a truly blessed friend. After that first night, we hung out more and more.
I glance in her direction and accept the drink she passes over. Are you still debating the offer? she asks.
I take a sip, then set my drink aside and pick up the letter again. I don’t want to leave my parents. And I love my job here. It’s something to consider, but I’m not sure.
It’s okay to be unsure, she promises. She then passes over a hidden bag of chocolate candies and gathers our bowl of popcorn. I found she’s absolutely content with movies and popcorn nights like I am. Does this have anything to do with Jamison being in your life now?
I knew it was coming. She thinks he will come around and let his pride go. I don’t think that’s the reason he pushed me away weeks ago, so I’m not sure he’ll ever come back to me, though I refuse to let go of hope. He hasn’t tried to text. There hasn’t been a letter either.
No. This is about me and what I want to do. I’m happy here.
Or are you content?Andrea asks.
The question lingers between us when I don’t respond. I start the movie instead. I focus on the screen, even when a few moments later, Andrea squeezes my shoulder. I’m thankful she’s at my side.
The vibration of my phone draws my attention after we get past the opening credits. Since everything that happened with Dad, I’m quick to pull my phone out of my pocket. Dad’s name flashes across the screen. My heart slows a bit until I open the message and begin reading.
Jamison’s plane crashed over Denali. They’re organizing a search and rescue now.