Chapter 20 #2
Tears start to fall down my cheeks. “You sound so positive. And, well, fine … we aren’t our pasts, but the past is still ours, and there’s no hiding it once people know. I don’t trust anyone not to exploit our secrets.”
“Oh, kiddo, that is my one regret. I think I should have given you girls an example of what a healthy relationship looks like. I was so focused on you both that I never took the time for myself to find love, which, in turn, you also missed out on. I mean, I’m not an expert on relationships, especially since I haven’t had more than hookups in the last twelve years, but”—she pauses—“you both need love. Healthy love. But you have to be willing to give in return too.”
“I know that, and it’s not that I don’t want to give everything to Bo because I do. I think I’m just scared. I know we’re not my parents, but I also feel like I could get completely lost in him.” I shrug.
“Let me ask you something though. Why would that be so bad? He sounds like a good guy, he’s definitely handsome, he comes from a good family—oh, and he’s going to be a professional football player. I don’t see what the problem is.” She puts her hand on my shoulder.
“I mean, when you put it like that, I’ll step in and take over from here, Chelsea,” my sister teases.
“Not a chance, little sister.” I playfully push her. “Aren’t you worried about any of this stuff, Torie? Do you ever worry about someone finding out what Dad did or where he is or how Mom died?”
She shakes her head. “No, I really don’t.
It’s probably because I don’t remember as much as you do.
And my memories of that night are fuzzy.
I’m sorry that you do remember more and that you lived it.
I hate to say it, but like Aunt Laura, I got the better end of the stick because most of my memories are us with her and not Mom and Dad.
But, Chels, if he knows all of that and still wants to be with you, support you, I think you should let him. I think he would protect you too.”
“I agree with Torie. I think you need to trust him and let him love you and take care of you. But you also need to be able to do the same for him.” Aunt Laura sucks in a deep breath.
“You’re going to hate that I’m saying this, but I really think you need to read that letter from your dad.
I think it might help you in this situation with Bo. ”
“Torie, did you get a letter too?” I turn and look at her.
“No, I never got letters like you did, thankfully.” She shrugs.
“You girls know I would write to him once a year, right?” My aunt takes our hands in hers.
“I would tell him about your accomplishments and how beautiful you both were, how happy you were. At first, I felt like I needed to do it because I thought he would care and want to know all of those things were true. But then, one time, he asked me for money for a new lawyer to try to get his sentence reduced, and I wouldn’t give it to him because I honestly believe he’s where he should be.
” She looks at us both. “He stopped writing me back after that, but I kept writing and giving him yearly updates. Because you girls haven’t let what he did define you.
You’re out there, making your dreams come true, Chelsea.
Wouldn’t it be great to have someone by your side, cheering you on?
Don’t give him or the memory of your parents any power over your future.
Not giving Bo everything in return is them winning in a way. Do you know what I mean?”
“Aunt Laura, you’re like a love doctor too. You should have a podcast,” Torie chimes in.
“Torie, we’re trying to be serious here. Although I don’t hate the idea of a podcast. We’ll put a cap on that for later.” She reaches for my hand. “Read the letter. And then think about what I’m saying.”
“Okay, I’ll think about it.” I hug her, and then Torie wraps her arms around us both.
The door opens, and Noelle walks in with a bag in her hand. “Oh my God! Laura! Torie! What are you guys doing here?” She drops the bag and comes over to us to join in on the hug.
“We came to get our girl out of this funk.” Torie tells her.
“Oh good. She wasn’t listening to me, so I’m glad you came to talk some sense into her.” Noelle pulls out of the hug, but reaches for my hand. “You know I love you.”
“I do know, and I love you back.” I squeeze her hand and let it go. “What’s in the bag?” I tip my head toward the bag on the floor.
“That would be for you.” She walks over to it and picks it up, then hands it to me. “Open it.”
I set the bag on my lap and pull out the tissue paper first. There’s a note inside, so I take that out and set it to the side. A black shirt and a pair of red-and-black checkered pants are inside the bag.
“What is this?” After pulling out the pants, I lay them next to me.
“Oh, it’s for the Christmas PJ party!” Noelle claps her hands. “My birthday is coming up, and we’re doing a Christmas slash B-day party for me.”
“But who—” My words stop when I pull out the shirt. There’s a Christmas tree on the front of it, and sitting under the tree is the word everything in a fancy script. “Bo.” I lift up the card and open it.
Chelsea,
I’m not giving up on us.
Please come back to me.
I love you.
Bo
“What does it say?” Torie looks over my shoulder. “Oh, Chels, you have to go. When is the party?”
“In two days,” Noelle says.
“Perfect. We leave that morning, so you can go! Although if we were going to be here, I would have crashed your party, Noelle.” Torie wraps an arm around her.
“I wish you could stay and come! It’ll be fun. I’m so excited.” Noelle claps her hands.
Aunt Laura stands up from the chair. “We’d better get going and get checked in to our hotel.”
“You guys can stay here if you want. I can sleep on the couch,” I offer.
“Oh, no. We got a room, but we’ll pick you up tomorrow. Get you out of the apartment for a while. Maybe we’ll do a little Christmas shopping.” She pulls me up and gives me a hug. “I love you, sweet girl. After you read the letter, you can call me. But, Chels, get it done.”
“Okay, I will. Love you guys. I’m so happy you’re here.” I hug my sister next.
“Me too, but I’m keeping these pants until we leave.”
I walk them to the door. “Call me in the morning when you’re ready to get me or I can meet you at your hotel.”
“Okay, talk to you tomorrow!” my aunt says.
I shut the door and go sit down on the couch.
Noelle comes over and sits next to me and wraps an arm around me. “You good?” she asks.
I nod. “Yeah, I’m good. Surprised to see them for sure. But also surprised by these.” I hold up the shirt.
“I’m not at all surprised by the PJs. He really misses you.” She scrunches her nose.
“I really miss him too. It’s scary though. You’re with your forever person, and you already knew him, so there wasn’t all the unknown, like there is with us. And your past isn’t like mine.”
“Well, no, but it was still scary. You were there, ma’am.
You know I was scared about ruining our friendship, but then it got to a point that I knew I had to take the chance anyway.
And it wasn’t easy or without our share of issues.
Trey was a lot of baggage—different from yours, yes, but still a lot.
” She shakes her head. “You just need to give him the chance to show you he’s the man he says he is, and honestly, I think he has the whole time.
Bo’s not the kind of guy to play games. Trust him. Believe him.”
“I’m working through it.” I nod.
“Okay, good. Are you okay if I go to Casey’s tonight? I can stay here if you need me to.” She takes my hand in hers.
“No, I’m good, I promise. Go be with your man. I’m probably just gonna go to bed anyway. It sounds like I have a busy day tomorrow.” I stand and let go of her hand.
She starts to walk toward her room. “You’ll have fun tomorrow.”
I put the PJs back in the bag and walk toward my room and meet her in the hall. “I’ll see you tomorrow maybe, and if not, I’ll see you at your party.”
“You’re coming?” She bounces on her feet.
“Well, yeah. I always planned to come.”
“I wasn’t totally sure, but I’m really glad you’re coming. It wouldn’t be the same without you.” She hugs me. “I’ll come over and get you. My PJs haven’t arrived yet, so if they don’t show up, I’ll have to wear my backup pair.”
“You have a backup pair of Christmas PJs?”
“Uh, yeah. My name is Noelle, and my birthday is right before Christmas. Of course I have backups. Multiple.” She laughs. “But I really want to wear these new ones.”
“Right, yeah. That makes sense. I guess I never paid attention to your Christmas PJ collection.” I push her toward the door. “Go see your man.”
“Love you, Chels.” She blows me a kiss.
“Love you back.” I pretend to catch her kiss.
I watch her leave and when I hear her lock the door, I go into my room. My phone is on the charger on the nightstand next to my bed and I pick it up to see if Bo has texted me tonight. And he has.
Bo: Good night, Lucky.
I hesitate for a minute, but type out a reply.
Chelsea: Thanks for the PJs. Night.
He replies instantly.
Bo: You’re welcome. And just so you know, I have the matching set, and I really want to see you wearing them for the party.
Matching? So, they both say everything?
I don’t reply because if I do, we’ll just end up going back and forth, and then we’ll get on the phone, and I just need to think a little more. And I need to read this letter from my dad, as much as I don’t want to.
I set the bag on my bed, and then I go to my closet and pull the shoebox off the shelf that has the letter from my dad in it.
My fingers are shaking as I open the envelope. I can see his handwriting through the paper, and I recognize it immediately. It’s been years since I’ve seen it though. I sit down on my bed and then pull it out and unfold the white paper. I suck in a deep breath and start to read.
Chelsea,
I know you probably won’t read this, since Laura says you haven’t read any of my other letters.
Can’t say I blame you. But I wanted you to know I’m dying.
Got stage four lung cancer. They say I don’t have much time left, so I better get my affairs in order.
Not that I got many affairs to take care of, but I did want to make sure I said goodbye to you.
Torie probably don’t remember much about me, which is for the best. But I hope you’ll tell her what I’m saying here.
I don’t know if you know this, but your aunt’s been writing me over the years. She’s told me about the things you’ve done, and I just want you to know I’m proud of both of you. I know that might not mean much coming from me, but it’s the truth.
I’ve been busy these last fifteen years. Got my high school diploma and even took some college classes, mostly just to pass the time. Had a few jobs here and there and even started up a little gardening club. Keeps me busy. Most of my days are spent in Bible study now.
I know it seems too late to be finding guidance, but a man like me needs something to hold on to. What I’ve learned over the years is that I wasn’t a good man. Wasn’t raised by a good man, who wasn’t raised by one either. Guess it just kept going down the line.
The best thing that ever happened to you and your sister was being put with my sister.
I’m glad Laura gave you the kind of life your mom and I never could. She’s done right by you, like I always figured she would. She was always the smart one and from what I hear you take after her more than you ever did your old man.
I ain’t gonna waste your time with some long apology. Don’t think that’d fix anything anyway. But I am sorry—for what you and your sister went through because of me and your mom. You didn’t deserve that.
I’ve been trying to make peace with the Lord before I go, and I hope maybe one day you can find it in your heart to forgive me, even just a little.
Goodbye, Chelsea. You and your sister take care of each other, and always follow the light.
Robert Sullivan
Not Dad. Robert Sullivan. He has never been a father to me or my sister though, and I guess he knows that and has at least an ounce of respect for us not to insult us by calling himself Dad.
I fold up the paper and put it back inside the envelope. My hands are no longer shaking, and I’m not really sure what I should feel right now. I thought maybe I would be a little more … upset, but all I feel is detached.
I set the letter next to me on the bed and walk around to the other side of my bed and get my phone off the charger.
Chelsea: I read it.
Aunt Laura: And?
Chelsea: He’s dying.
Aunt Laura: I know, he told me in his letter to me. What else did he say?
Chelsea: Hang on.
I pick up the letter, take a picture of it, and send it to her.
Aunt Laura: How do you feel?
Chelsea: I feel…nothing. Nothing may be a good thing. I honestly thought I’d feel distraught after reading.
Aunt Laura: Okay, that’s fair. Do you want me to come back over?
Chelsea: No, I’m fine. Honestly.
Aunt Laura: If you change your mind and need me, I’ll be there.
Chelsea: I know, and I love you for it.
Aunt Laura: I love you. So much.
Chelsea: I’ll see you tomorrow.
Aunt Laura: Night.
The letter is still in my hand from taking the picture of it, but I have the overwhelming urge to burn it. I don’t want any part of this man to touch the life I’m creating for myself. And just having this here feels like poison.
I take the letter and envelope in my hand and walk into the kitchen and grab the lighter we use for candles. I definitely can’t set off the smoke alarms, so I go to the sliding doors leading out to the tiny porch we have and open it. The burst of cold hits me, nearly taking my breath away.
Flicking the lighter, I watch the flame glow. Then I place the letter under it and watch it catch fire. I set the paper on the ground, then toss the envelope on top of it. I stand there, watching it burn until the fire goes out. The ashes scatter as a gust of icy air blows through.
I look up into the sky and see a million stars shining and smile. For the first time in my life, I finally feel free.
I walk back into the apartment, lock the door, and walk back into my room and pick up my phone off the bed.
Chelsea: I burned it.
Aunt Laura: Well done.