Chapter 18 #3
“And I think that's the way it is with sanctification too.
God does all the work for sanctification, but if we are still living in sin and don't care about cleaning up our act, then that work won't take place.
Just like if the farmer doesn't plant the seed, no matter how much rain God sends, it can't grow.
So yes, we get saved and God comes in and He changes us and it's all God.
But we also have decisions to make. Are we going to give up our sin?
Are we going to stop doing the things that we know we shouldn't do?
Taking the Lord's name in vain. Committing whatever kind of sexual sin.
Wasting our time frivolously instead of looking around to see what we can do for the Lord.
Reading frivolous books instead of studying our Bibles.
Sometimes it's as much a matter of putting things into our life as it is of taking them out. "
"That's the truth. I did go through a really long time, years, where I barely opened my Bible. There was so much dust on it, and I put it away somewhere and I forgot where I put it."
"I think we all have times like that in our lives, or we're still reading our Bible, but it's just not doing anything for us, because our focus and our desires are elsewhere."
"But I suppose reading the Bible is one of the most important things, because it will convict us of our sin.
Convict us that we're not being kind to people, or we're not treating others the way we should, or we're not giving our lives to the Lord, but instead we're listening to the world and we're putting ourselves first, even though it sounds like a good thing. You know, taking care of ourselves."
That really resonated with Grace, because she had been told to take time off, to heal herself, and while she didn't see anything wrong with that, just the few hours that she spent a day helping others had done more to help her mind get clear than all the time she'd taken for herself.
And the Bible clearly said that we were to put others first. If she did that, maybe she wouldn't have so many mental health issues, with everyone sitting around ruminating on themselves.
It was just a theory she had, one that wasn't completely fleshed out, but one that she saw be true in her own life.
Noah picked up his mug and took a sip of his hot chocolate. Grace had to laugh as he pulled his mug away, since there was a bit of whipped topping stuck to his nose. He grinned but made no move to wipe it off.
In a move uncharacteristic for her, she felt her hand come up, and she took one finger and swiped it across his nose. She didn't linger, but maybe she went slightly slower than she needed to.
The air between them felt charged with something, though she wasn't sure what. Noah still smiled, but there were emotions swirling in his eyes she couldn't read.
She had no idea what she looked like, but her heart hammered, and her breathing felt wobbly.
They sat there, staring at each other for what felt like a very long time before Noah finally said, "Thanks."
She grinned and replied, "You're welcome."
She was the first to pull her eyes away, and they dropped to her hot chocolate, which she'd totally forgotten about. She used a spoon to stir it and took a small sip while whatever seemed to be in the air between them relaxed just a bit. Noah cleared his throat.
"I know we were talking about a lot of deep things. Things I don't typically talk to people about."
"Me either. Not without predetermining that we would. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to drag you into anything."
"No, I enjoy conversations like that. I've really been having a good time. But I didn't want you to feel any pressure."
"To perform?" she asked, strangely calm.
"Yes. I know we've been talking about God doing it, and all we have to do is prepare, but that wasn't directed at you in any way. I was just realizing that maybe you felt like it was."
"No. I took it for what it was, just us talking about God, and I actually found it encouraging.
Because you're right. Part of my fear, part of what is wrong with me is the fact that I put all this pressure on myself to be good.
When in reality, my preparation is what I have control over.
God has control over the final product. Maybe it benefits Him more for me to not do well.
I mean, that sounds a little bit weird, but it's true. "
"Sometimes people can relate more to folks who seem like they're not perfect."
"Yes, exactly. I think the first time you and I talked, it was you sharing with me some of your insecurities, which made me feel like I was a little bit more normal than I felt."
"Is that what it did? I just didn't want you to think that I looked down on you or thought there was something terribly wrong with you for struggling. Because we all struggle."
"Yeah. And maybe that's what the people around me need to see.
That I struggle. And that I'm not perfect.
And... It's a pride thing where I want to put on this great front where all anyone ever sees is just me being perfect.
And I put all of that pressure on myself, and I finally collapsed underneath it. "
"Because humans aren't built to take that kind of pressure. We're built to give it to God."
"Exactly. I don't know how to recover from the crash, but I do see that that's the issue. It was me. My pride, wanting to be perfect, the pressure that I placed upon myself, and fear that I wouldn't measure up to the standards that I had for myself. Not standards that anyone else had for me."
"Although, I understand that there probably are people who are looking at you and just waiting for you to fail so they can gloat. Everyone has people around them like that. Unfortunately, that's the way the world is right now."
"And I suppose it's a good thing, because that shows me that that's not the kind of person that I want to be. And it's more important that I be like Jesus than I be perfect. Because if I were perfect, then I wouldn't understand people who weren't. Does that make sense?"
"I think that's exactly right. There are a lot of reasons why God wouldn't want us to be perfect.
But I think it's obvious that He doesn't, because the only perfect person in the Bible is Jesus.
And even though He was sinless, He still had times where He cried out to God, asking to have God take a trial away from Him.
He was so anxious He sweat great drops of blood.
It shows that's a very normal human thing, and not necessarily sin. "
Even though Grace knew that, it was good to hear someone else say it. To let her know that even Jesus was nervous, anxious, and wished to avoid what He knew lay in His future.
"You guys are just so cute together. I've had six different customers come up and tell me how good you guys look, and I just couldn't stop myself from coming over here and letting you all know.
" Bree, their waitress, set the check upside down on the table and gushed a little.
"You guys need to be careful, because people already have wedding bells ringing in your future.
" She laughed. "You can take care of that at the cash register or just leave the money on the table. Up to you. Have a great day."
"You too," Noah said.
Grace was too busy blinking. Wedding bells? They looked cute together?
"That's just small towns. Don't let it bother you," Noah said, his voice sounding relaxed. He had already taken the check and looked at it. "If you don't mind, I'll just leave enough money for the bill and the tip right here on the table."
"Oh, I don't—"
"I'm the one who suggested this. I'm gonna pay for it."
He interrupted her, and his voice had a tone that allowed no argument.
"Well then thank you. It was very nice. The conversation, the hot chocolate, and the whole afternoon. I feel like we are on the right track."
"I do too. And hopefully all the buzzing that's been going on with my phone are people who have been messaging me letting me know that they or one of their kids are going to be playing in one of the other groups that we're starting."
"Oh! Can you look really quick?" she asked.
They had already stood up, but his words made her excited.
Maybe she already felt like they were going to be able to do it.
But they needed the people. If he was correct and he had a bunch of people signing up, that was just one more step in the right direction.
"Don't mind at all." He pulled his phone out of his pocket and swiped a bit.
Scrolling up, he seemed to be counting and then he said, "I think we have 10 people for the adults and too many to count for the kids.
If... If you don't mind coming over later, we can go over it together.
But I better get back to the store. I have a text here from your Aunt Vivian that says that it's starting to feel cool in the building and the heat doesn't seem to be kicking on. "
Her stomach sank. "You called it."
"Don't look so worried. God'll work something out."
"Are you for real? You really don't have money to buy a furnace, do you?"
"I do not."
"And you're just gonna be calm about this?"
"Yeah. I guess if people come in the store and it's cold, they can hurry up and buy something, right?" He laughed a little and then set money and the check on the table before allowing her to walk before him to the door, which he opened for her.
She couldn't believe it. He was so calm. So totally chill.
Well, she had a few messages of her own, and maybe she could answer one.
"I know you said five thousand dollars together. And I don't mean to pry, but how much do you think the furnace would be?"
"Probably a little under half that. But honestly, I'm not sure. I haven't priced furnaces out for a long time. They might've gone drastically up in price."
"I see."
She thought about a couple of the offers that she had been determined to dismiss out of hand. She didn't want to do anything big, but she could do something small.
Yeah, she smiled to herself as she thought about it.
"So... I don't mean to invite myself over, but it doesn't seem fair that you're constantly coming over to my house."
"It sounds like we might freeze over at yours. Why don't you come over to mine this evening. Aunt Vivian might be there, so if that bothers you?"
"It does not. Not in the slightest. She's a sweet lady, and I appreciate her holding down the fort. Afternoons are usually pretty slow, but it's great to have someone with a little bit of musical background that I can depend on."
"She's enjoying it. She told me how she enjoys getting out. She wouldn't want to do it on a regular basis or have that kind of expectation placed on her, but to do it once in a while makes her happy."
"Good to know."
"All right then," he said as they came to a stop in front of her aunt's house. "I'll see you this evening."
"Why don't you come in time for supper? I put some things in the crockpot, and they'll be ready shortly before you close for the day."
"I might close early if it's that cold."
"All right. Then we'll expect you for supper."
"Sounds good."
They stood, looked at each other for just a moment, and neither one of them really wanted to walk away.
Grace knew she didn't for sure. She wanted to stay with Noah, with his calm, protective presence that made her feel cared for and safe.
She supposed that was something that as a woman, especially, she really wanted. To feel safe.
He was the one to move first, and he lifted a hand, smiled, and then turned around.
She wanted to watch him walk away, but turned and walked toward the door. It was unlocked, and she walked right in, looking back in time to see that he looked back to make sure that she got in okay.
She smiled and lifted a hand and waved. She liked that. Checking on her. It made her feel cared for.