19. Vera
Chapter 19
Vera
E arly Christmas morning, I bolt upright, gasping for breath. My heart races in my chest, and for a moment, I'm terrified that it was all a dream. That we didn't find him. That our son is still lost, out there somewhere, and we're no closer to bringing him home.
The fear grips me so tightly, that I can't shake it. What if none of it was real?
I can feel Massimo's arm around me as we lay in bed together. But my heart is racing so fast, filled with fear.
I sit up, looking everywhere. I can't see Mateo.
He fell asleep in my arms last night, in the bed, and now he's gone.
"Massimo," I whisper, shaking him awake. He groans and opens his eyes just as quickly as I did. "What, what's wrong?" he says quickly, sitting up.
"Mateo is gone," I say, throwing the blankets off and climbing out of the bed .
Massimo rushes to the bedroom door, but it's still locked.
He rubs his eyes, confused.
I rush around the room, looking everywhere for our son.
Then I breathe a sigh of relief.
"He's hiding under the bed," I whisper, kneeling down on the ground.
Massimo kneels next to me, and we both look at our son, wrapped in my coat again, fast asleep, hiding away from the world.
"That poor kid has been through so much." He sighs, reaching under the bed to pull Mateo out.
He stirs a little, mumbling in his sleep, but he doesn't wake up.
Massimo hands him to me and I crawl back into bed with him in my arms.
"Are you ok here?" Massimo asks as I tuck the blankets around the sleeping little boy.
"Yes, I am going to stay with him. I don't want him to wake up alone."
He nods. "I want to go and talk to Bella and spend a little time with her before she meets her brother. I know she's really young, but I want to try and explain to her - to be gentle and nice."
"She is the sweetest little girl, Massimo. She will be gentle."
He nods.
I smile. "But go spend time with her. I'll bring him down once he's awake and we've chosen something for him to wear. I see Uncle Marzio found a lot of options for him."
Massimo leans over the bed, holding my face in his hands he kisses my lips. "Vera, I - " he stops, staring at me. My heart stammers in my chest. He clears his throat softly. Shaking his head a smile traces his lips.
"I love you." He says, without any doubt in his voice.
The smile that spreads across my own face is one of pure magic. Pure happiness.
"I love you too, Massimo," I reply.
"I'll bring breakfast up if you aren't down yet by the time it's ready." He grins, then kisses me again before he leaves.
I lie in bed for a long time with Mateo sleeping in my arms. I can see that he is plagued by nightmares, and I talk to him constantly, trying to help him understand, even in his dreams, that he is safe now.
Long after the sun is up and spilling into the room, he blinks his eyes open.
Immediately he is tense with fear.
"Hi, baby," I say gently, unwrapping my arms from him so that he doesn't feel trapped.
He scoots a little away from me.
I wait a moment for him to take in his surroundings because I don't think he was aware of much last night.
When he is sitting on the bed, fully awake, and staring at me, I ask, "Are you hungry? They have the best pancakes here. "
"What are pancakes?" he asks quietly, fidgeting with his hands.
My heart breaks but I push the sadness aside. "Well, the only way to find out what pancakes are - and how amazing they are - is to try one." I laugh, trying to ease his tension by showing him that everything is ok.
I climb out of bed, my heart still racing, and glance down at my sweatpants and t-shirt. It's not exactly what I'd want to wear downstairs, but there's no time to worry about appearances. If this is real—if everything is as it seems—then I'll go as I am. Dressed like this or not, I need to know.
Mateo looks down at what he is wearing. A giant t-shirt of Massimo's is swimming on him and looks comical. I giggle.
"We have lots of clothes for you to change into. Come choose something."
Mateo walks over to the clothes spread across the chair. He glances at me and chooses a pair of sweatpants that are the same color as mine. Then he browses through the hoodies and picks up a red one.
He grips the clothes in his little hands, unsure what to do next.
"You can change in the bathroom if you like. Or I can help you."
"Bathroom." He says nervously.
"Go ahead." I gesture towards the bathroom. He goes into it - but doesn't fully close the door .
Just enough for privacy, but not enough to feel trapped or have me out of his sight.
While he is in there Massimo gently opens the bedroom door and steps inside.
I point to the bathroom. "Mateo is just getting dressed," I say, loud enough for both of them to hear. "Mateo, your dad is here - and guess what he brought us."
"Um - " Mateo steps out of the bathroom, looking as cute as ever in his sweatpants and hoodie.
"Hey buddy - I brought pancakes."
"He's never had pancakes before." I smile.
"What?" I can see the anger in Massimo's eyes, but he pushes it away quickly. "Well, today is your lucky day then." He grins, setting the plate on the bed.
Massimo sits next to me on the sofa at the foot of the bed.
Mateo walks nervously toward the plate of food.
"How much am I allowed to eat?" he asks, glancing between us.
I swallow back my tears.
"That's all yours kiddo, and there is a whole bunch more downstairs if you want more."
"Really?" Mateo asks, shocked.
"As much as you like."
Massimo leans over and wraps his arm around my shoulder.
Mateo picks up the plate and sits down on the floor with it in front of him. He digs into the pancakes as though he's never eaten a meal in his life .
We watch him quietly, both of us more painfully aware of the tragedy he's endured. It's clear how long the road ahead will be, how much healing it will take before he can even begin to feel okay again. All I want is to see my son smile—a real, genuine smile. The kind that lets me know he feels safe, loved, and free from the shadows of everything he's been through.
Massimo leans close to me and whispers "We can do this - together - we will show him what a real family is."
I nod, leaning my head into his shoulder. "It isn't going to be easy." I sigh softly.
"It will be, as long as we stick together. I love you, and I love our family. You'll see. Everything is going to fall into place just how it is meant to be."
Our bedroom door bursts open and Bella rushes in, loudly singing Jingle Bells.
Mateo freezes, his eyes wide and his hands up in front of his face.
"Hello." Bella says loudly, plonking herself in front of him.
"I eated pancakes." She says, pointing at his plate. "You also."
Her grin is massive and Mateo, narrowed eyed, relaxes a little.
"Who are you?" he asks, picking up another pancake.
"Bella. I am me." She says, looking proud and pointing at herself.
Mateo chuckles. "You are kind of funny." He says .
"Mateo, this is your little sister. Her name is Bella." Massimo says.
"I have a sister." Mateo says to himself, tilting his head. "And a mom, and a dad." He chews his pancakes.
"It's Chismis. Santi Claws is coming." Bella says, standing up again and running in circles.
"We never did anything for Christmas." Mateo shrugs. "What do you do for Christmas?" he asks, talking to Bella.
"A make a tree. It's all the colors. A make pessints. All the pessints. Then also a cake. And sing. And Santi Claws he bings a pessints." She holds her hand out towards him. "Come." She demands.
He looks nervously over at me.
"Only if you want to, Mateo. You only have to do things you want to do." I reassure him.
"Where are we going?" he asks Bella.
"See a tree." She nods seriously.
"A Christmas tree?" he asks, unsure.
"Yes, silly." She sighs, leaning forward and grabbing his hand. He climbs to his feet.
"I still want the pancakes."
"Take them with you." I laugh. He grabs the plate and lets his sister lead him out of the room.
I look at Massimo, smiling widely. "It really is going to be ok."
He wraps his hand around my jaw and kisses me. "I know."