Chapter 7
Ailin
Ever since Ailin found out that Fulan suspected her feelings for Enze, she tried her best to stay away from him, despite her heart longing to do the opposite. Over a month had passed, but the sting of Fulan’s judgment was as sharp as if it had been delivered yesterday.
Ailin could not stop feeling guilty about the trouble she had caused.
A proper lady would never have allowed herself to get so close to a man before marriage.
Fulan had gone too far by bringing up the matter with Mother in such an offensive way, but Ailin couldn’t deny her own culpability.
She needed to make up for her mistake by focusing on the move to Suzhou.
According to a letter from Uncle Meng a few weeks earlier, he would be arriving any day now.
Ailin checked the four boxes in her room again, patting the contents to assure herself that they were securely tucked away.
The boxes contained all her belongings—mostly books and paintings, but also some colorful blouses and skirts she hadn’t worn since Father’s passing, along with a few pieces of jewelry hidden under everything else.
If only her longing could be packed away as easily.
Ailin brushed away her useless thoughts as she reviewed the remaining tasks to be done before Uncle Meng’s arrival.
Much of the list had been completed. A few weeks ago, she helped Mother send word to their closest friends about their upcoming relocation.
When Nurse Liu heard the news, she had sent them two jars of preserved vegetables made with her own recipe, evidence that she was doing well in retirement.
Ailin’s debt to Uncle Chen was repaid too, technically.
A few days ago, she had sent Begonia with the last of the eight paintings she’d promised her father’s old friend.
Begonia said that Uncle Chen praised Ailin for her flawless execution of the artwork but had no news on whether Ailin’s earlier work had sold.
Ailin worried whether Uncle Chen could recoup the amount he had paid her.
She had tried her best, but she didn’t know if her best was good enough.
Uncle Chen once complimented her flower-and-bird paintings, so she had stayed within the same genre, depicting only plants and small animals she was able to observe in person.
They were safe and suitable subjects for a young lady who rarely ventured outside the walls of her home.
Ailin hoped that her conservative compositions would appeal to art collectors’ genteel sensibilities, but she didn’t know whether she’d made the right choice.
There was no time to fix things even if Uncle Chen deserved replacements. Suzhou was far away, and she doubted she could send paintings to Nanjing unless she found a reliable method for shipping.
She picked up a final item in her room. It was a painting for Uncle Chen, a gift outside of their deal. As insufficient as it was, the scroll in her hands would have to convey all her thanks and farewell wishes.
Ailin unrolled the painting to inspect it again.
Ink and color on silk, the composition was modeled on a work of her father’s, the snowy mountain landscape from her dowry that she had tried to sell to Uncle Chen.
Though Ailin had never seen any majestic mountains nor roaring rivers in person, the way Uncle Chen admired her father’s painting had made her want to replicate it for him.
Scanning over the piece, Ailin saw that her style fell short of her father’s in many ways—where he deployed confident, sweeping brushstrokes, she exercised an overcautious attention to detail.
Nevertheless, this painting was the best she could do.
In an intentional deviation from her father’s work, Ailin had added a man delivering charcoal through the snow, a visual rendering of the saying xuě zhōng sòng tàn.
The dark briquettes in the man’s oxcart exuded warmth against the snowy white background.
She hoped that Uncle Chen would understand her gratitude for how he had helped her during a difficult time even if her painting skills were lacking.
Ailin’s wooden doors flew open with a clack as Meilin came bounding in. Begonia followed in a more restrained manner.
“Eldest sister! You’re needed in the garden immediately,” Meilin announced with more flourish than urgency.
Ailin grew suspicious. “Why?”
Meilin crossed her arms in mock severity. “Enze is waiting for you by the gate of our courtyard.”
Ailin breathed in sharply to stem the sudden pain in her heart. “Tell him I’m unavailable at the moment.”
“You’re going to keep making excuses not to see him until the day we leave. I know it. That’s why I’ve recruited Begonia to help me,” Meilin said with a smile.
“Miss Meilin says I’m not allowed to tend to my other tasks until we bring you to meet Master Fan,” Begonia said apologetically.
Ailin frowned. It was unfair of Meilin to hold Begonia hostage in her scheme. In addition to being Ailin’s and Meilin’s companion since childhood, she was also the only maid from Nuolan Garden accompanying them to Suzhou, so Ailin could not afford to delay her work.
“What are you waiting for?” Meilin looped her arm around Ailin’s with a rustle of hemp fabric. She tipped her head toward Begonia as a signal for the maid to take Ailin’s other arm. “You’ll thank us after you talk to him. I’m sure.”
Meilin’s and Begonia’s grips were firm, clearly determined to make her talk with Enze. Perhaps Ailin could make the conversation with Enze quick so none of Fulan’s servants would notice.
Descending carefully from the veranda into the garden with Meilin and Begonia at her side, she took deep breaths of autumn air. If she had to meet Enze, she should be composed.
The pear tree in the courtyard had dropped its leaves, but the evergreen camellia bush had yet to bloom.
Meilin and Begonia released her once Enze came into view.
He was dressed in cotton-padded robes that had to have been a gift from either Fulan or Mother.
He stood respectfully just beyond the moon gate on a pebbled path, not daring to enter the inner courtyard.
When Ailin reached the arch of the gate, she dug her slippers into the ground and coughed, signaling that she would go no closer. At least this much distance had to be protected.
Undaunted, Meilin cheerfully waved toward Enze. “We’ve brought my sister. She is very excited to talk to you. Have fun!” With that, she grabbed Begonia and ran away, leaving Ailin and Enze alone.
Ailin’s heart thudded at her proximity to him. She had practiced for weeks to drive him from her mind, but as soon as she saw him in person, her discipline vanished. All she could see was him. Enze’s brown eyes searched her face intently for an answer to an unknown question.
Ailin cleared her throat. “I was told you wanted to see me?”
“Yes,” he said as if startled. “I, um, have a small gift for you.”
Panic flashed through Ailin as he took a step closer. But then he stopped and brought out an object from behind his back, extending it to her with both hands. An inkstone.
“This is for you,” Enze whispered softly. “It’s not much, but I thought a painter could always use more inkstones.”
Ailin reached to pick it up, careful not to touch him.
She held the inkstone in her hands, taking her time to appreciate the elegant gift traditionally given to symbolize friendship.
About the size of her palm, it was carved from a solid piece of warm gray stone.
The sides were left rough like rocky mountains, providing the raised edges needed to hold water and ink in the polished well while also preserving part of the stone’s natural appearance.
The simple, rustic design reminded her of Enze himself.
“When you gave me your umbrella, I thought of this inkstone I’ve been saving,” he explained. “On the back—”
Ailin turned the inkstone over. Rendered in low relief on the flat bottom of the stone was a pair of swallows flying between apricot blossoms.
“My umbrella . . .”
“Depicted the same subject. I thought it was a sign.”
Ailin couldn’t resist teasing Enze for his dramatic phrasing. “I paint a lot of flowers and birds—on paper, on silk, on umbrellas. It’s a very common motif in art.”
“Swallows and apricot blossoms represent spring, and the highest-level imperial exams take place in that season. Even if the design is popular, it doesn’t make me admire your work one bit less.” He took a breath, then asked, slow and deliberate, “Can you deign to accept this humble gift?”
His eyes shone with such earnestness that Ailin’s resolution to keep her distance threatened to unravel. She had to go before anything else happened. “Thank you for your thoughtfulness. Now, if you’ll excuse me—”
“May I have another moment?”
He asked with such pressing urgency that Ailin paused her intended flight.
“If you need to go, you can, because what I’m about to say is not meant to pressure you in any way, but before you leave, I want to tell you how much I admire you.”
Ailin stared at him. She never thought Enze would confess his feelings so directly.
“I know this is shameless of me, considering how little I have to offer, but I want to ask you to marry me one day.”
A rush of conflicting emotions left Ailin feeling stunned. She didn’t know how to respond. “I can’t believe you.”
Enze winced. “Does that mean you don’t share my feelings? I’m prepared to accept that. But I’m clumsy at interpretation, and I want to make sure I’m understanding you correctly.”
Ailin shook her head. She wasn’t even sure she understood herself at the moment. “I won’t comment on my feelings while my mind is in such disarray, but I want you to know that what you’ve outlined feels impossible. We can’t marry. Your sister is against it.”
That was the cold, uncomfortable fact keeping them apart. As much as Ailin wanted to accept his love confession and give in to her own feelings, she couldn’t, because doing so meant directly contradicting a senior member of Enze’s family.
Enze gazed at her with such a heartbroken expression that her own chest hurt. Ailin looked away.
“I know what Fulan thinks, but she’s wrong.
” Enze’s voice started soft, but it grew stronger as he continued.
“I’m the one who fell in love with you so hard that my sister feared I was straying from the path she imagined for me.
For that, I apologize. I know I’ve caused your family a great deal of harm.
However, if there is any way you can forgive me, please know that I would do anything for you. ”
Ailin studied his face as carefully as if she was preparing to paint it. He had never looked more serious or handsome than he did at that moment, so full of both fear and courage. It was too much for her to bear. Her eyes stung.
“Could you pass the imperial exam like a carp jumping over the dragon gate? Could you move a mountain like Yúgōng?” Ailin didn’t know why she was bringing up fables. Perhaps because the future felt so impossible.
“I would move a mountain for you if you were willing to give me a chance. I will study my hardest for the exam. I will convince my family to love you as much as I do. I will work to provide for us.” His voice broke. “All I need to know is whether you want to be with me.”
Ailin inhaled deeply, trying to keep herself from trembling.
Her resolve wavered against the depth of his sincerity.
Just like the time in the bamboo garden, when she had lent him the book from her dowry, her heart yearned to tell the truth despite her mind warning her it was a bad idea.
With him, she always felt inexplicably safe.
Despite the opposition they faced, she wanted to imagine a future with him.
When she opened her mouth to speak, her words were barely audible. “I do want to be with you.”
He stepped toward her, closing the distance between them as much as he dared. “I’m sorry I didn’t catch that,” he said artlessly. “Can you say it again?”
He leaned down so she wouldn’t have to raise her voice.
He was so near that she could whisper in his ear if she wanted to.
However, she didn’t want to speak anymore.
If she really was going to marry him as she intended to, then she didn’t have to express herself with mere words.
Instead, she pressed her lips to his cheek.
Enze turned toward her in surprise, inadvertently bringing his mouth closer to hers.
She leaned in, and he didn’t pull away. Instead, he returned as much affection as she gave.
Warmth flooded through her. His hands cupped her face as her arms wrapped around his neck.
Despite the chilly garden air, he was tender and perfect.
Time seemed to slow down or speed up—Ailin was so dizzy that she couldn’t tell which.
At the back of her mind, she knew she had to cut off the kiss soon in order not to attract attention, but for one enchanted moment, she allowed herself to indulge in pure bliss.