21. Kailin #2
I had been pouring my desolation into my sketchbook, filling page after page with depictions of Alar in different poses and situations, but that had been its own kind of torture. I'd sketched and cried, my tears smudging the lines.
What I hated most were the empty moments when my mind was not engaged, my hands were idle, and my thoughts could run in circles. Climbing eleven flights of stairs to the command level left plenty of time for that.
Morgateth stirred at the edge of my mind as I went, a vast banked warmth, not intruding, just there. He must have felt my hollowness and pressed a little strength into me.
As Desin showed me in and shut the door behind me, I took a moment to take in the shaman's large office with its huge windows and the view of Elucia's rugged beauty beyond them.
I hadn't been there in a while, but everything was the same as the last time I had been summoned. I don't know why I kept being surprised by things staying the same while my world had been so irrevocably altered.
The bookcases were still sagging under books and scrolls that were stacked with no regard for any particular order, and Moki was lounging on the desk in a patch of sunlight, his silver-white fur turned gold at the tips.
Saphir looked up from the small round table he used for casual dining and smiled at me as though we'd seen each other an hour ago and nothing of significance had occurred in the interim. "Have you eaten already?"
I looked at the tray of food in front of him.
"I had breakfast."
"That was a long time ago." He waved at the chair across from him. "Take a seat." He gestured at the tray and then at the plate laid out across the table from him. "Eat. You look like you've been living on nothing but caff."
As I sat, Moki jumped down from the desk and onto the third chair, which had been topped with a thick pillow.
Saphir handed him one of the small sandwiches, and Moki took it in both tiny hands and started nibbling, then stopped and looked at me, then at the tray. When I didn't understand right away what he was trying to communicate, he waved his little hand at the sandwiches and chittered.
"Okay, okay. I'll take one." I reached for a cucumber sandwich I remembered as delicious from a previous visit to Saphir's office when he'd fed me. I wondered who prepared them for the shaman. Was it Desin?
We ate in silence for a few moments, then Saphir put his sandwich down and wiped his hands on a napkin. "I've decided you should start shaman training. I'm pulling you from the rider track."
I almost choked on the bite I'd taken, then somehow swallowed it. "What?"
"You can't do shaman and rider training at the same time, and since you're not going to be a rider, why bother? Training you for your shamanic duties is far more important." He smiled. "After all, there are plenty of riders and only the two of us."
I'd thought I had more time. I'd thought I would finish the academy first, but he was right. This was more important.
"When?" I asked.
"As of today, you are my apprentice." He looked at me as if expecting me to jump for joy or thank him.
I was terrified. I couldn't handle more changes. Not now.
"I don't want to leave my friends," I said. "I don't think I'll survive without them."
His eyebrows rose a fraction.
"I mean it." I tightened my hands on the armrests. "I'll do the training, but please don't move me out of the apartment."
Moki started chittering angrily at Saphir, and the shaman reached over and put a hand on his furry back. "I know, Moki. I know. My delivery leaves a lot to be desired." He turned to me with eyes full of understanding.
"I would never do that to you," he said.
"Apprenticeship with me doesn't mean you need to come live with me.
" He chuckled. "Moki and I are so used to each other's company that we wouldn't know what to do with a young lady invading our space.
You're staying exactly where you are, and if you get tired of your friends, I will arrange for a private apartment just for you. "
The fear loosened its grip on me, and I loosened my grip on the armrests.
"What will the training entail? What does it take to become a shaman, other than innate ability?"
"Quite a lot." He sat back. "You'll train with me on the things only I can teach.
Elu's sacred texts, the history of our people that is not taught in school, conducting ceremonies, delivering speeches, handling disputes, comforting the grieving, and other things that are academic in nature.
Then there are the special shamanic abilities that you still need to hone, like the reaching, the shielding, the reading, etc.
In the afternoons, you'll train with Commander Ravel on flying, because a shaman is a rider first and a shaman second, and you still need to acquire that skill, but you don't need to learn formation flying and all of that.
That's not what's in your future. The academic material you'll study at your own pace, on your own time.
You're a smart lady, and I know you'll do exceptionally well on your own. "
I had no problem with that. In fact, I preferred studying on my own to sitting in classrooms. It was the subjects that weren't taught in a classroom that I was worried about.
"I'd like to keep up my weapons training, if possible," I said. "I'm good with the rifle, but I want to get better, and I want to keep training with the dagger and hand-to-hand combat. Given all the attempts on my life, that's necessary. I need to know how to protect myself."
"Of course." Saphir inclined his head. "You'll train at the officers' range. You're no longer a cadet."
"What about conditioning?" I held my breath, hoping he'd say I was exempt.
He waved a hand. "You'll use the officers' gymnasium for conditioning and hand-to-hand on your own schedule. Commander Ravel can show you the ropes."
The officers' range. The officers' gymnasium. Commander Ravel. I was being cut off from the life I'd lived with Alar as a cadet and shoved toward something different.
"So, I'm an officer now?"
Saphir smiled.
"No," he said. "You're much more than that.
You're a shaman in training. There's no rank for what you are, because since my return to Elucia over a thousand years ago, there have been no other shamans.
Back in the day there were ranks, apprentice, acolyte, shaman in training, but with just the two of us, I suppose you're all of those at once. "
Moki chittered, and Saphir glanced down at him as if the creature had made a point. "Yes, yes, I know."
"Does that mean Commander Ravel answers to me now?" I asked.
Saphir laughed, warm and unguarded, and Moki started at the sound and gave him a reproachful look.
"Eventually," he said, wiping his eyes. "Eventually, you'll be the spiritual leader of Elucia, and even General Lesten will answer to you. But for now, let's say you and the commander stand on equal footing, just under a different ranking system."