Chapter 27 #2
“I’m so sorry for what I did, Mae. What I stayed quiet about.
If I had just opened up, I might not have had that nightmare.
I wouldn’t have needed to keep you safe from me.
” Stone cleared his throat, trying to clean the wobble from his voice.
But it was no use. Because the sorrow from the pain he caused her overwhelmed everything.
“You mean everything to me. You are everything to me. There isn’t a day…
Christ, there isn’t a single minute, where I don’t want you by my side.
I don’t know if it was the head injury, or the gunshot wounds, the surgery…
whatever it was, it woke back up the real me.
The one who was lost beneath the guilt and the trauma. I never want to hurt you.”
“I’m scared.” Her voice was so small, so fragile, he barely recognized it. And he knew. He’d done that to her.
“Of me?”
“Yes.”
Stone sucked in a sharp breath.
“Not the way you think. I know you would do anything within your power to protect me physically, but you broke my heart into a million pieces. You were my everything. We hid from Hawk, but I knew you would get there. You would choose me. The last few months, before all this happened, we were so happy. And then it all just went away. But when you woke up, you were back to that moment, in love with me as if nothing had happened.” Mae sniffled, pulling in a sharp breath as she wiped away the tear that fell down her cheek.
“I haven’t had two seconds since I was on my knees, begging you to pick me, to figure out how to put the pieces together.
I shoved down every last broken shard of my heart to help you heal and now I’m trapped in the shadows of all that hurt and pain that I tried so hard to ignore. ”
“I know, baby. I’m so sorry. That’s not the first time I’ve said it, and it won’t be the last. I’ll say it every day.
I’ll say it every hour if I have to. And even if there is one day, somewhere down the line, where you do forgive me, I’ll still think it.
Because I can never take that hurt back.
I can never go back to that night to pull you up off the floor, and hold you in my arms.” Mae reached up and captured the tear tracking down his face with her thumb.
“I’m the one who will beg for your forgiveness.
Now. Always. I want you here. Can you do that?
Can you give me the opportunity to make things right? ”
“I want to be here tonight.” She snuggled down further on his chest, letting her fingers run over the red raised scar on his chest. “But I won’t stay tomorrow.”
“You could.”
“No. I can’t. Because we’re both emotional right now.
We have now both thought we were going to lose the other person, forever.
And that gave you clarity, but I also can’t trust that this isn’t just another trauma response.
It’s not healthy. And until I know that you mean what you just said, until I know that you really will work on fixing what happened in the past, then I can’t just move on. ”
“You can’t forgive me.” No. No, no, no. Everything inside him was screaming to make it right. To fix everything he’d messed up. To kiss every inch of her and hold her for however long it took for his love to soak deep into her heart and stitch back together every broken piece.
“I love you,” Mae whispered. “I think I always will. But I have to know that you love me. Not that the guilt of what happened is forcing you to do what’s right in your mind.
Not that the weight of what we lost, and of what we’ve been through, is making you think that the only answer is for us to be together. ”
“So… we have tonight? And then what?” he asked.
“We have tonight. And then I move back home.”
Stone nodded. At least she would be just upstairs. With her brother. Safe. And still close by. “I’ll do my best to give you space, but it’s going to be hard not to bump into each other when you’re just upstairs and we work at the same place.”
Mae sighed, her shoulders falling against his hold.
“Mae?”
“I… I’m not staying here. I’m going home. To my family.” Her eyes closed, more tears slipping through her lashes.
“But we’re your family,” he whispered.
“You were…”
“Michaela.”
“Can’t we just have tonight? Can’t it be enough for now?
I’m not who I was before you were shot. That night, that fight…
Please. I have to go. I need time. To breathe.
To heal. To mourn and move on. I don’t know who I am right now, and I can’t pretend that these last few weeks haven’t changed who I am. ”
“I want to be there for you.” God, his own words sounded so desperate. And they were. Stone couldn’t imagine just letting her go. Just watching her walk away.
“And I love you for that. But this is something I have to do.”
“How long will you be gone?” It wasn’t a question he truly wanted to know the answer to. Because he knew it wasn’t going to be a quick trip home. He knew, deep in his soul, that she was leaving. And he didn’t ever want to face that.
“I’m not sure,” she whispered.
“Not forever, right?”
Her head turned, pushing her face into his chest. He felt the heat from her tears even before her cries hit his ears.
“I just don’t know…”
Stone nodded, his chin quivering as he choked back his own emotions.
“But I can check in on you, right? Make sure you’re safe?”
“I’ll make sure Hawk knows he can tell you how I am if you ask…”
He laughed, only his own tears soaked the sound. “We hid from your brother for so long. And now he’s my only hope to be connected to you.”
“I’m sorry,” she whimpered.
“No. Don’t apologize for doing what you need to.
I’m proud of you.” He pressed his lips to the top of her head as Mae’s arms tightened around his chest. “Just promise me you’ll give me a chance.
When you’re ready. No matter when that might be.
You’ll come back and give me a chance to prove how much I love you. How I only see a future with you.”
“Stone.”
“No, Michaela.” His fingers combed through her hair. “I’m Sully. Always your Sully. Please, promise me…”