Chapter 20
TWENTY
“ S o,” I said. “Are we ever going to talk about it?”
I’d had it with the waiting. After two hours of fish shopping, feeding Sofia breakfast, and now watching her give day old bread from the café to the ducks across the river in Soundview Park, Xavier still hadn’t said a word about yesterday’s outburst. Meanwhile, I could still feel the imprint of his lips on mine.
I had been putting it off too, but it had to be discussed. I wasn’t an idiot—he was noticing me just as much as I was noticing him. Feeding me food. Flirting constantly. It was like we couldn’t help it.
And yes, I could admit, it also felt kind of good. But it still wasn’t a good idea.
His blue eyes narrowed at me, then darted away as we sank onto a bench overlooking the water and Sofia’s exploits with the ducks. His knee rubbed against mine, but he didn’t move it away.
“You mean the fact that your mum works in a bodega and every time she spoke you looked like you’d drunk bad milk?”
I frowned. “I told you she worked somewhere up here. And that we don’t talk much. Running into her outside a fish market isn’t going to change that.”
Xavier just gave me a long, blue look.
I grimaced. “I know you understand what it’s like to have family who don’t know what the word means. She’s making another move back into our lives again. I haven’t decided how I feel about it.”
Xavier continued staring at me.
“What?” I asked.
He mumbled something like, “Glad I’m not the only one,” then stretched his long legs out in front of him. “Then I assume you mean my behavior last night. I already apologized for snapping at you and Sofia. I said I won’t do it again, and I meant it.”
“I’m not talking about that. You’re doing fine making up for that .” I checked that Sofia wasn’t listening, then continued in a lower voice. “I’m talking about the part when you got jealous about another guy—again, I might add—and then kissed me. Also again.”
“Oh. That.” Xavier reached back and tugged at the bill of his cap before dropping his arm across the back of the bench. “And you want me to apologize for that too?”
I noticed he did not.
I sighed. “It is what it is. But don’t you think we need to talk about the fact that you have thrown two tantrums now when you thought another man was present in my life?”
Another tug at his hat. Another chew of his very full lower lip.
“Well, in my defense, the first one was right after you’d practically let me into your knickers, then left me cold,” he pointed out.
I reddened, unable to help myself. Yeah, I’d been about to let him do a lot more than that.
“I was crazed with lust,” he continued with a smirk. “Not accountable for my actions.”
“Fine,” I said. “We’ll let that one go. But last night? What was that about?”
He shrugged. “Nothing.”
I huffed. “Xavi, spare me the studied nonchalance. You were pissed. And then you bit our heads off because of it. I’ve accepted your apology, but we haven’t exactly addressed the root cause.”
His face went through a surprisingly wide number of expressions before it settled on a frown. “Fine. I didn’t like it.”
“Didn’t like what?”
His eyes narrowed. “You know what.”
“So you were jealous.” I felt a small thrill at the idea, though I knew I shouldn’t. Things were complicated enough with this man. I didn’t need him to throw jealousy into the mix.
Xavier shrugged, but still couldn’t meet my eyes. “I wouldn’t call it that, exactly.”
“Then what would you call it? Envious? Possessive? Controlling?”
I shouldn’t have liked the way any of those words sounded. I really, really shouldn’t have.
“I’d say…particular.”
I snorted. “Oh, really? Particular about what, pray tell?”
“Well, how about the men introduced to my—er—little one over there.”
A quick glance at Sofia informed us both she was still happily oblivious to our conversation, tossing breadcrumbs into the water like fairy dust.
“Yeah, I don’t think so,” I said. “Using Sofia as a way to control who I see isn’t going to fly, buddy. I could have a date this weekend if I wanted to, and you couldn’t say anything about it.”
His head whipped around like it was attached to a pair of reins. “A date?”
I shrugged. “Why not? You remember Adam. He likes me.”
I didn’t mention the fact that I had absolutely no interest in Adam or the many other times he had asked me out. I was tired of being made to feel that someone like me didn’t deserve anyone else’s love and affection. My sisters wanted me to get laid, but the rest of my family wanted me to settle, mostly for Sofia’s sake. There was no in between. There was nothing that was just for me.
“Do you have a problem with that?” I asked Xavier.
His blue eyes narrowed in an expression that was harrowingly similar to Sofia’s when I turned off her favorite show in the mornings. “Not at all.” Each word was delivered through a nearly closed mouth.
“Delighted to hear it. Now try again. What was the real problem with Derek showing up?”
I didn’t know why I was pushing this so hard. Maybe it was because I wanted to hear that I wasn’t alone in this irritating push and pull. Maybe I wanted to hear him admit that I affected him too. Then we could at least manage it together, couldn’t we?
Xavier just sighed. “Does it really matter? He wasn’t any good in the long run. No big loss for you.”
I frowned. “How could you possibly know that? Derek is a perfectly nice guy.”
“You said you were with him for a month. He’s obviously an upstanding fellow, likes Sof, friends with your brother. If he was even a half-decent shag, you’d not only be with him, but you’d also have a perfectly tiny diamond on that finger by now, wouldn’t you?”
My jaw dropped. “You,” I said as evenly as my shaking voice could handle, “are an asshole.”
“True. But I’m also right,” he said with satisfaction that I wanted to slap off his face. “Unless I’m missing something, of course.”
“Not that it’s any of your business, but you definitely are,” I sputtered. “Particularly since Derek and I didn’t actually get that far.”
I had no idea why I’d just told him that. I wasn’t exactly a prude, but the idea that sex would be the deciding factor for marriage really irritated me. Or maybe it was just Xavier saying it that irritated me. I honestly couldn’t say.
All signs of joking disappeared from Xavier’s face. “You didn’t what?”
I frowned. “I’m not repeating myself.”
“I—you—well, you just proved my point, didn’t you? Of course you couldn’t marry him. You don’t even know if he’s good in bed, do you?”
“Oh my God , you brought up marrying him, not me!” I hissed, struggling now to keep my cool. “We didn’t do anything because I didn’t want to. Just like I haven’t wanted to do more than make out with anyone for about five freaking years now!”
I was speaking in relatively veiled terms, but my voice shot up several decibels, high enough to scare a nearby pigeon into flying away.
“Mama?” Sofia called from the water’s edge. “Are you okay?”
Slowly, my heartbeat returned to its normal rhythm. I had to keep it together for her.
“I’m fine, peanut,” I replied, though I couldn’t for the life of me keep my voice even. “Keep feeding the ducks.” Then I turned to Xavier. “You can forget I said that.”
“I don’t think so.” There was not one iota of humor in his voice.
I looked up. “I wish you would.”
He was quiet for a long time. I focused on Sofia, who had abandoned the breadcrumbs and was now doing her level best to skip rocks. The best she had gotten was one.
“So, have I got this right?” Xavier asked after what must have been about a million seconds. “You were a virgin when we met.”
I flushed. That’s right. He knew. Hell, I had only just reminded him about it myself.
“You haven’t been with anyone since me? As in, it’s been five years since you’ve…”
“Oh my God, you don’t need to announce my involuntary celibacy to the world.” Frantically, I looked around.
We were alone but for Sofia.
“I’m just—it’s just—Christ, how is that possible?”
I scowled. “Don’t get too excited. Not a lot of men are in the market for a single mom and a date with her four-year-old.”
“A lot of men are fucking idiots.” His voice was still low, but so intense, it was almost threatening.
I shivered, and not because of the wind coming off the river.
“I’m not waiting for marriage or anything,” I said. “Obviously. And it’s not a religious thing, so don’t ask.”
Xavier didn’t respond, just waiting in that patented way of his. He always seemed to know when there was a whole other story waiting on the tip of my tongue.
I sighed. It’s funny how you go from sexy to sexless in the span of nine months. Even funnier how easy it is to stay there. No one ever pushed me on this anymore. Not my sisters, who had mostly resigned themselves to the idea of me as a spinster. My friends in college had pretty much floated away when the word “baby” came into play. Even Nonna had stopped trying to set me up every weekend with some neighbor’s son or nephew.
“I just want it to be special.” I didn’t know how else to put it. “I don’t need to be completely in love with the guy or anything. But I need to care. And he needs to care about me. Doing that with my body…I just think it’s basically the most intimate, vulnerable thing people can ever do. I know not everyone feels that way, but I do. So I need more than just a spark.”
Xavier studied me for a long time.
“What?” I demanded. “You think I’m nuts, don’t you? You think I should just ‘get out there’ and throw myself around like a cheap toy. Preferably with you, right?”
My voice was shaking. I hadn’t realized how important this was to me. But clearly it was.
Xavier raised a hand, then placed it lightly on my shoulder. It was heavy. Solid. Almost comforting.
“I wasn’t thinking that at all,” he said quietly.
“Then what?” I demanded, suddenly feeling a rush of tears. This man really did turn me into an emotional mess.
“I was thinking that a woman as beautiful as you ought to have men trailing out the door,” he said carefully. “That it’s a bloody miracle you’re not married or at least taken. But I was also thinking it makes sense that you’re waiting for the right one.”
His voice was so low I almost couldn’t hear it. But somehow more powerful than if he had shouted.
I turned. “And I suppose that’s you? Because that would be totally inappr?—”
“No,” he cut me off quickly. “It’s definitely not me.”
I tried to ignore the way something in my chest dropped about a foot at his immediate refusal. I shrugged, and the hand on my shoulder fell away.
One black brow quirked. But his eyes dropped to my mouth. And stayed there.
“I just know more than anyone, don’t I? Because you’re right, Ces. You definitely need more than just a spark. You deserve a fucking bonfire.”
His eyes returned to mine, and there they stayed. We stared at each other for a long time, the sounds of the park muddying together. The rush of wind in the trees, Sofia’s babble with the ducks. All of it blended together, leaving us in a bubble, a world for just me and him, where all I wanted to do was tackle him to the ground and?—
“Mommy, mommy, momeeeeee, I saw a fish, but this one was alive!” Sofia came running up to the bench, popping the bubble as soon as it had appeared. “The duckies scared it away, but maybe it will come back! Come see!”
She yanked on my arm, pulling me literally and figuratively out of my trance. Somewhat reluctantly, I stood, though I managed to free my arm.
“All right, peanut, we’re coming, we’re coming,” I told her as she scampered back to the water.
“Ces.”
Xavier’s low voice pulled me back as he stood.
I turned. “What?”
“You deserve that fire.” He took a deep breath, then stood next to me. “Take that date. I’ll take care of the kid. If you’re all right with it, I mean.”
I balked. “ You want to babysit?”
His blue gaze drilled right through me. “It’s not babysitting if she’s my”—he lowered his voice—“if she’s my daughter.”
I opened and closed my mouth, probably looking a lot like the fish we’d gone to see. He had me there.
“We’ll be all right,” he said, though maybe not as sure as he wanted.
“You want to do dinner? Bedtime? The whole nine yards?” I joked. “I’m only kidding a little, Xavi. She can be a little terror at bedtime.”
But Xavier just nodded, completely unfazed.
“It’s been five years,” he said. “I’ll call you if anything goes wrong. I’ve had a life, and you deserve one too. I just want to know her, Ces. Let me try.”