CHAPTER 28 #2
She tightened her arm around him. Getting even closer was impossible, yet she felt a dire need to do it.
“Let me in, Penny. You give yourself so freely physically, but when it comes to your emotions, you’re like Fort Knox. At least tell me why you were crying. What is it that had you so upset earlier?”
“It’s not important.”
“It is to me.”
No one she’d ever been with had bothered to ask about her problems. Now that Ian was asking and seemed genuinely concerned, she feared her daddy issues would put him off.
Think her to be weak. Run.
She had just come full circle. Her fear of getting close, of caring for anyone too much only to have them leave her, was coming straight at her again. The thing was, he had run already but for the opposite reason, and something inside her said she’d lose him if she continued to shut him out.
She wet her lips. “Remember when you asked me why I’m so dead set against drinking?”
He nodded. “You said you had a difficult home life growing up because of alcohol.”
“That’s what I said, word for word. You have an impressive memory.”
He shrugged. “My brother says my brain is like a crypt. What gets sealed in never gets out.”
“I’ll bet you passed the bar exam on your first try.”
“Changing the subject again.” He sighed and shook his head, but a smile played about his lips.
“Well, did you?”
“I did. Now, back to the Claire Burns channel.”
“Ugh. I want to change it. Hand me the remote.”
He chuckled.
Silence fell for a few moments. She listened to the steady thud of his heartbeat and felt him soothingly stroking her upper back. His calmness, strength, and never-ending patience with her gave her a sliver of courage to tell him a few things.
“My father was an alcoholic.”
There. She’d said it.
And it felt strange coming out of her mouth. Not once had those words passed her lips. She licked them now, surprised to feel somewhat unburdened by only the five words she’d allowed herself to utter.
“Not all the time, though.”
Crap. That sounded ridiculous.
“A binge drinker?”
God. He understood. Tears sprang to her eyes for no reason other than his ability to absorb and reflect information without judgment.
She nodded. “There would be periods when he was sober, and those were wonderful. But then he’d come home stumbling and incoherent, and I had to help my mother carry him to bed.”
“That must have been tough for a five-year-old.”
Her gaze snapped to his. “How did you know I was five?”
He tensed a bit. “A guess.”
“An accurate guess.”
Wow. The man was a mind reader. Maybe he should stage a Vegas act.
“The trauma is gone,” she continued. “I feel like it’s a quilt in a box at the end of the bed. It’s always there. I could bring it out and discuss it, but what purpose would it serve? Or going to those meetings and wallowing in it.”
“Those meetings help a lot of people.”
“I attended a few. They weren’t for me; I ended up feeling worse than when I went in.
I chose to leave it where it is. I have a vision in my head of when he and Mom got along, and he was sober and with us when I was little, and he loved me, and I thought he was responsible for the sun rising every morning and putting it to bed at night.
He was always so elegant and called me Pumpkin because of my red hair, never mind that his was the exact same shade, and he smelled like Acqua di Parma all the time … ”
God, she was rambling now.
“Oh, damn.” And damn the tears that weren’t supposed to spring. When she’d turned six and sobbed herself to sleep because he’d missed her birthday, she vowed never to shed tears for him ever again.
Claire tried to blink them back, but they spilled and ran down her cheeks, followed by more.
Ian reached and brushed them away with his thumbs. “It’s OK, Penny. Even the strongest of us cry now and then. You wouldn’t be human if you didn’t.”
“I told myself he wasn’t worth it. I was OK. I had it all under control. And now …”
“Did something happen recently?”
She dashed her tears away, suddenly angry at her inability to control them when Ian was present. It was as if the man made her let down her guard and took it from her to toss it in the street.
“He’s back, Ian. I had everything under control and in its place, and a few days ago, he appeared in Mom’s hospital room. Out of the blue, I thought. It turns out that they’ve been communicating for months.”
“That must have been quite a shock.”
“That is an understatement. She told me she wanted to find him but didn’t tell me they were talking.
I walked in, and suddenly, there he was, and I behaved horribly toward him.
I said some terrible things. He left. And then my mother told me the real reason why he left me …
us. And it was the opposite of everything I’d been told and believed. ”
She sniffled. Ian reached beside him to the nightstand and pulled several tissues out of a box.
“Thank you.” She accepted the Kleenex and dabbed at her eyes. “Do you know what she told me? The woman who taught me never to be ashamed of my body and what it can do? To not be ashamed of anything and try everything in … in …”
“In bed?” He kissed her temple and gave her a half-smile. “I’d say she taught you well.”
“Yeah.” She glowered. “She should have just told me to do the opposite of what she did, and I would have been all set.”
He looked at her for a moment before understanding dawned on his face. “He left because of incompatibility issues?”
“He left because she asked him to.” Bitterness poured out of her.
“Christ.”
“Yeah.”
He pondered for a moment. “Did your mom tell you he was the one who decided to leave?”
She thought back, trying to remember. “No. His personal assistant was waiting in the wings. She snapped him up the moment Mom kicked him out, I guess. And she was the one who sent him to rehab. For her, he went.”
He raised an eyebrow. “He went to rehab for her? And you know this how?”
She didn’t.
“In my experience, people only get sober when they decide to do it for themselves, Penny.”
He was right. Of course he was. No amount of cajoling, nagging, or threats had ever convinced her father to seek help. He’d go it alone for a stretch until he caved again and drank himself into blackouts.
It was as if he wanted to escape …
Escape.
Escape from wanting all of you.
Ian’s admission echoed in her head as a realization struck her like a slap across the face. Claire’s eyes widened. She clapped her hand over her mouth.
“Oh my God,” she whispered, “he drank because of Mom.”