14
The Ghost
Believ finally falls asleep and, unlike previous nights, her angelic face is serene. Her moon curls encircle her pale cheeks, giving her features the appearance of a celestial divinity. I lose myself in the contemplation of this perfection destined for a tragic end, powerless and unhappy. Yet a part of me, hitherto unknown and probably always demented, yearns for her, the sensation of unfinished business nagging at me. I can”t think of anything else right now, when she”s putting her life on the line to save mine. Or what”s left of it.
What benefit could there be in this unnatural attachment? She alive, I dead… How can we ever hope to be reunited? The fact that death might bring us together isn”t a cause for rejoicing; it”s her liveliness and mysterious curves that I want to enjoy.
Our fleeting contact was exhilarating, but when it broke, it shattered me in the process. As soon as it happened, it was already part of my past, an exclusive memory that I still have. I don”t know if I would have preferred to do without it. From now on, I”ll regret that it was so short and that it can never happen again. Because even though I”m dying to repeat the experience, the energy these kisses have cost me is far too great. I force myself to consider this evolution in our relationship with a cool head, before I lose it completely. In concrete terms, I can”t risk jeopardizing my futureto satisfy this primitive attraction, however tasty it may be. This realization gives me the ephemeral impression of at least having control over one part of my existence, since I”ve been deprived of the possibility of governing the whole of it.
And what”s next on this journey?
Despite our innumerable detours and appalling slowness, it won”t be long before we reach the abbey and, if we”re not mistaken, get our hands on my remains.
What next?
What will I do with a body I can”t occupy? How can I find out what they insist on hiding from me? Assuming success, what will become of Believ? Will she continue on her way, as if I had just been an accident on her way, or will the revelation of my identity turn everything, including her life, upside down? I can”t help imagining her in my future. If I”ve concealed my past, there”s little chance of the same happening to my present. I was a blank page that quickly filled up with her.
Deprived of memories, I struggle to understand what interest anyone could have in concealing my death, unless I was once an adored leader and my loss elevates me to martyrdom. That would be flattering but astonishing. And in such a case, I fail to see how my disappearance could have gone so unnoticed. What I don”t understand are the motives and the stakes involved in this whole affair. Nothing seems to add up, and the few elements we have at our disposal don”t seem to corroborate any of our speculations. We’re plunged into a constant vagueness, the opacity of which I find insoluble.
Believ”s serenity suddenly seems to fade, and she becomes agitated in her dreams, putting a tortured expression on her writhing face. Twitching, she trembles. Could it be her child haunting her dreams?
A creak breaks the silence of the night. Someone is coming. We”ve got to get out of here.
“Believ!” I call out in a shouted whisper, while miming a punch on her shoulder. “Wake up!”
She straightens suddenly, like a puppet on springs, and furrows her brows, obviously concentrating on listening to the movements around her.
Another twig snaps, even closer than the first.
“Let”s go,” she tells me, putting her bag on her back with a calmness that gives no hint of the startle of her awakening.
I don”t know what kind of training she”s had, but in a split second, she blends into the background with the agility and stealth of a lizard. She strides briskly between the branches before leaving the forest canopy and running up the hillside. She”s hardly out of breath.
When she finally slows down, she asks me, “Did you see anything?”
“Unfortunately, I couldn”t make out anything conclusive in the darkness. It could just as easily have been a deer.”
“I doubt it.”
She seems unconvinced by my suggestion. However, I can”t imagine why anyone would want to go after her. Why would anyone go to such lengths to track her down in the farthest reaches of Wales? Is she that important? And who would be after her? The Church, for whom she’s a sinner, or the Brotherhood, which she deserted just a few days ago to come to my rescue?
We make great strides over the uneven ground, sinking knee deep into the tall grass. Pushing the limits of her endurance, Believ keeps up the pace until the sun floods the valley, revealing before us the abbey overlooking us from its peak.
“Finally...” Believ says with a sigh before collapsing in a flower bed at the entrance to the village.
Although she”s awake, her body is spasming again. I go over and kneel beside her, but I”m unable to touch her or bring her to. She”s in a kind of trance that shakes her with rare violence.
Could she be suffering from a pathology that explains these recurring symptoms?
When at last her body lies still and relaxes, and her eyes regain a semblance of lucidity, she stares at me resignedly.
“What just happened?” I ask her, upset at seeing her suffer without being able to help.
“I don”t know. Probably a hypoglycemic attack.”
Despite what she claims, the way she”s tightened her lips as if to prevent them from saying anything more shows that she”s not unaware of what”s just happened to her. Why won”t she tell me? What is she afraid of me for? She may be ill, but I”m dead!
After a few minutes and several long swigs of water, she pulls herself together and sets off across the village, her gaze fixed on the mist-shrouded abbey. The magnificence of this edifice makes it unthinkable that atrocities could take place here. And yet...
Bypassing the village center, Believ weaves her way through the barely awakening alleyways back to the small mountain where our destination is perched. She wolfs down a scone from a modest bakery and begins our final ascent. That is to say, before the one that will take me to heaven, as she promised.
Discretion is more important than ever, but Believ takes the main route, which is already steep. Climbing up the hillside would be pointless; with no trees, we”re inevitably exposed to the sight of the monks above us.
Having remained silent until now, I can”t help questioning her.
“What”s the plan?”
She turns to me with a raised eyebrow, then gives me an almost candid half-smile.
When her face lights up like that, I could say to her, “Let”s leave; let”s leave this place. Let”s live somewhere else.” What”s going through my head to want this cumbersome body that obviously doesn”t want me back? But I don”t. The force pushing me toward my carnal envelope seems even more powerful than the feelings I”m developing toward this woman. And that”s a blow to my morale. Am I as evaporated as my solidity?
“The plan? Get in undetected and snoop around for your body.”
As simple as that! How could I not have thought of it myself?! This girl is fearless, no doubt about it. I have no fears about my immediate fate: I”m invisible, except to her, so who could attack me? No one. Believ, on the other hand, is an ideal target. And if I manage to materialize under certain circumstances, there”s no guarantee that I”ll be able to do so again if she”s in danger. There”s a gulf between my burgeoning need to protect her and my ability to do so. A feeling of helplessness and uselessness has been building up in my heart for some time now, and it”s undermining me deeply.
So, I insist—a bit clumsily, I admit, “Of course, but in concrete terms?”
Her smile fades in the face of my preoccupied expression, and her eyebrows frown delicately. Suddenly serious, she replies,
“I”ve no idea. I”ve been trudging through the pampas for three days, trying not to lose my skin. I don”t even know what this abbey looks like from the inside, or how many monks there are.”
It”s true that our research hasn’t proved fruitful. This congregation jealously guards its secrets and all information concerning it.
“We go in and improvise.”
Just as I said: a real hothead.