CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN #2
"I said I got it."
I let go.
"Okay."
He looked at me.
"What?"
"Nothing, Joaquin."
His eyes narrowed, but he didn't say anything else. Neither did I. I watched him clean up while I sat there trying to figure out why him giving me exactly what I'd asked for was starting to bother me.
He didn't try to touch me since I got home. He didn't pull me against him, kiss me, or try to force a conversation I wasn't ready to have. He was giving me space. So why did it feel like shit?
Neither one of us mentioned Shania or the pregnancy test again. There wasn't anything new to say. She was either pregnant or she wasn't, and until we knew for sure, all I had were questions.
Later that night, I showered and got into bed. Jokah came in a few minutes after me. He turned off the light and climbed in beside me. Normally, I would've rolled straight into his arms. Tonight, I stayed on my side and he stayed on his. That bothered me too.
I stared at the ceiling, irritated with myself because this was exactly what I'd asked for. But there was a difference between wanting a minute to think and suddenly feeling like I couldn't reach for my own man. I turned my head.
Jokah was lying on his back staring at the ceiling. "Goodnight."
His head turned toward me.
"Goodnight, baby."
I faced the ceiling again and that was it. No arm reaching across the mattress. No hand pulling me against him. He didn't even move closer. I lasted maybe thirty seconds.
"Jokah."
"What?"
I turned toward him. "Why are you all the way over there?"
He looked at me like I lost my mind. His eyebrows were pulled together. "You told me you needed space. I'm giving you space."
"I know."
"So, what you want me to do Kaior?"
"I don't know."
"Then you tell me when you do know."
I thought about my next words carefully.
"I don't know, Jokah. I'm trying to figure this shit out."
"So am I."
"I talked to Armani today."
"About?"
"That this isn't the same thing Kyrie did to me."
"It ain't."
"I know that."
"Do you?"
I looked at him.
"Yes. I know you didn't cheat on me."
"Then what are we doing?"
"I don't know!"
My voice came out louder than I meant for it to.
Jokah kept looking at the ceiling. I took a breath before continuing.
"I know what makes sense. Armani gave me the whole damn speech today. She told me not to make you pay for what Kyrie did to me. She told me Shania could be lying. She told me if I'm not ready for everything that comes with being with you, then I need to be honest about that too."
His eyes were back on me.
"And she's right. I know she's right. But I met Shania."
His expression changed slightly.
"You’re done with her, but she’s not over you. I watched how she acted about you. At the time, I didn't care because I trusted what you and I were building."
"You still can."
"I know."
My voice softened.
"But now she's saying she's pregnant, Joaquin."
He didn't say anything.
"Maybe she's lying. I hope she is. But what if she isn't?"
"I told you we'll deal with it."
"And I'm trying to figure out what that means for me."
His jaw tightened, but he stayed quiet.
I looked back at the ceiling.
"I don't want to punish you for something you didn't do to me. I don't want to bleed on you because Kyrie cut me. Armani already checked my ass about that."
Jokah turned his head toward me.
"But?"
I swallowed.
"But knowing better doesn't mean I can turn my feelings off."
"I didn’t ask you to do that."
"And I don't know how I'm supposed to act right now."
"You ain't gotta act like shit."
I looked at him.
"Then what am I supposed to do?"
Jokah stared at me for a few seconds, and his expression softened. The irritation that had been there disappeared.
"Come here."
Before I could move, he reached for me and pulled me against his chest.
"Jokah—"
"Nah. I get it now."
I let him speak without interrupting.
"You ain't really worried about me fucking with Shania. You scared I'ma do to you what that weak-ass nigga you was just dealing with did."
My eyes burned.
"I don't think you're Kyrie."
"I know you don't." His arm tightened around me. "But that nigga fucked with your head. Had you loving him while he was lying to you and fucking other bitches. Now this shit Shania is making you feel a way and all that shit coming right back up."
A tear slipped from my eye. Jokah wiped it away. "Look at me."
I lifted my head.
"Whatever happens with that test ain't changing me and you. You understand?"
"But if she's pregnant—"
"If she's pregnant and that baby mine, I'ma handle my responsibility as a father. That's it."
"Shania?"
"That chapter closed before you ever came along. A baby wouldn't reopen it."
"But you two would have to communicate."
"About my child. Nothing else."
He paused.
"Kaior, I'm not that weak-ass nigga you was just dealing with. I don't need attention from every woman willing to give it to me. I'm not accessible like that."
His eyes stayed on mine.
"Not to Shania. Not to nobody. The only woman with access to me like that is you."
"Jokah..."
"I'm serious. You think I put in all this fucking work to get you just to fumble you over some pussy?"
Despite everything I was feeling, that sounded exactly like him.
"If pussy was all I wanted, I would've stayed single. I never had a problem getting that before you."
"I know."
"Nah, listen to me."
I did.
"You met my grandfather, Kaior." He exhaled. "You know what that means to me. I've sat with you and told you shit about myself I don't talk about with anybody. I've let you see parts of me nobody gets to see. I brought you into my home. Into my family. Into my fucking life."
His hand moved slowly over my back.
"I chose you for a reason."
The tears I’d been fighting finally fell.
"I didn't do all that shit because you happened to be the woman standing in front of me. I did it because you're the woman I want."
He wiped another tear from my cheek.
"So don't ever sit beside me thinking another woman can come take your place because she might have my baby. Those are two completely different positions."
I held him tighter.
"What we got stays intact. Baby or no baby. Shania or no Shania. That shit ain't changing."
"What if this gets complicated?"
"Then it gets complicated."
His answer came without hesitation.
"But complicated don't mean I'm confused about who I want."
That one hit me.
"I don't want to lose what we have."
"You won't."
"You can't promise that."
"Yeah, I can."
"How?"
"Because I'm the one responsible for making sure you never gotta question where I stand."
He pulled me closer.
"And I'm telling you where I stand right now."
I buried my face against his chest. Jokah wrapped both arms around me and held me. Not loosely either. He pulled me completely against him like he wanted me to feel everything he'd just said.
"I love you, Kaior."
I closed my eyes.
"I love you too."
"I know you're scared."
His hand moved slowly up and down my back.
"And I know saying all this ain't gonna magically undo what Kyrie did to you. So, if you need reassurance, ask me. If something is bothering you, tell me. If your mind starts taking you somewhere because of some shit that nigga did, tell me that too."
I held him tighter.
"Just don't sit beside me suffering by yourself when I'm right here."
"Okay."
"And stop thinking you gotta know how to act. You ain't gotta perform for me. Just stop all that attitude shit and giving a nigga the cold shoulder. I don’t like that shit."
I nodded against his chest.
"Okay."
He kissed the top of my head. Since Shania dropped that bomb in my lap, some of the pressure in my chest eased.
Nothing had been solved. We still didn't know if she was pregnant, and I couldn't pretend the possibility didn't scare me.
But lying there in Jokah's arms, I finally understood what Armani had been trying to tell me all day.
Jokah wasn't Kyrie. And maybe healing meant giving the man who loved me a chance to prove that without making him answer for the one who didn't.