Chapter 30
CARTER
Arizona was really testing my patience.
The entire weekend passed without her calling me, and the only thing she texted me was:
Thank you for letting Sean and me stay at your place for the weekend. My mom is throwing a ‘Welcome Back’ dinner for me at her house Tuesday night. She would like you to be there.
I didn’t text back. I just drowned myself in legal assignments until my eyes couldn’t stay open anymore. It was the only thing that prevented me from showing up to her mom’s house and demanding that she listen to me.
“Nonstop seafood, chicken, and waffles made by yours truly, Ari. Be there or else!” Josh announced as he walked into the living room. “Hey, are we going or what?”
“Going where?”
“To Ari’s mom’s house.” He crossed his arms. “You know what I’m talking about. She just sent out a mass text, though I’m pretty sure she already told you …”
At that second, my phone buzzed with the same text Josh had read aloud.
“So, are we going or what?” he asked.
“Not if her so-called boyfriend is there.”
“Why are you acting so jealous?” He cut me off.
“Because I am jealous.”
“Jesus. Get your shit together, man. You two haven’t really talked for over six months.
Did you really think no guy would be interested in her over there?
That she would just stay single and cry over you until you decided to tell her the truth whenever she got back?
Like, I know you only recently realized just how goddamn sexy she is, but … ”
“Are you trying to help me or further enrage me?” I gritted my teeth. “For the record, if it’s the latter, it’s definitely working …”
“Just talk to her.”
“I’ve tried.”
“No, you haven’t. And you’re not trying now. You’re growling, pissing everyone off, including the woman you’re trying to get back. But honestly, both of you are so stupid, I swear. Maybe you two had the right idea all along, though. Maybe you should’ve stayed just friends.”
“I’m not trying to hear this from you of all people right now.”
“You’re not trying to hear anything. That’s the problem.” He leaned against the wall. “Outside of making dumbass comments all night, what do you plan on doing to get her to listen to you?”
“I’m not sure anymore.”
“Bullshit.”
“No, I’m honestly not sure. She really has deluded herself into thinking that I only used her for sex last summer, that I didn’t love her at all.”
“You told her ‘not in that way’ … That’s actually the worst thing you could’ve ever said. What was she supposed to think?”
“That I was doing what was best for her. She’s put her dreams on hold for a guy before … I didn’t want that.”
“You honestly think she would have stayed home from France, if you’d told her the truth? Changed her entire future just for you?”
“Yes.” I looked up at him, daring him to question it further. “I’m pretty sure I know her ten times better than you do.”
He held up his hands in a slight surrender. “Well, if that’s the case, what are you going to do now?”
“Try as many times as necessary to make her listen to me …” I stood up. “Let’s go.”
Several months ago
Before Ari left for France, I’d found her journal in her room. And by “found” I meant she left it open on her desk, underneath her passport and plane tickets.
I wasn’t going to read it; I hadn’t read it since sixth grade when I teased her about having a crush on the guy she wanted to kiss “so badly, that [I] want to see the stars when his lips touch mine.” But I saw my name with hearts around it (more than once), so I shut her door while she was downstairs cooking and read:
Dear Janet,
Is it weird that I call you that instead of “journal”? Actually, it’s probably weird that I’m twenty-three years old and keeping a damn journal to begin with …)
Anyway, I never thought it would happen to me, but I’m in love.
Hopelessly, foolishly, and deeply in love with the last person you’d expect: Carter.
And now I’m not sure what I want anymore … It’s true that love puts things in perspective. Before, when we weren’t having sex, (Yes … we had sex and it was amazing … IN-FUCKING-CREDIBLE actually.) I was hesitant about going away, but now?
Honestly, if he asked me to stay, I would stay. I got into two other culinary programs that are only a few hours away and I can still confirm if need be … I just … My heart has never felt like this before and I don’t know what I should do...
Talk to you later,
Ari.
PS—Since I started having Carter over all the time for ... you know … My room is fucking spotless. You should SEE it! LOL.
Knowing Ari like the back of my hand, I knew right then and there that if she did ever tell me that she loved me, it would probably be at the airport right before takeoff.
(She was dramatic like that.) That she would probably expect me to say it back, and then she would cry and say that she could learn how to be a better chef in America, that she didn’t need to go overseas.
She would stay.
Because she’d done that before for another guy she liked: She went to the University of Pittsburgh—knowing that she didn’t really want to go, but she thought she was in love, so she followed her heart instead of her dreams.
I loved her enough to want what was best, and I didn’t want her to do that again.
So, I vowed to be as stoic as possible on the day she left—kissing her one last time definitely, but if she told me she was in love with me before takeoff, I wouldn’t let myself say it back.