11. Emma
11
EMMA
I n the morning, my eyes didn’t open. They slammed up as memories of the night before hit me like a gut punch. Oh, crap.
Had I really done that? Had we really done that? Had that really happened? What the hell had I been thinking? Had I even been thinking?
I hadn’t been thinking.
Why hadn’t I been thinking?
I had clearly just messed up on the most epic of epic scales. How was I supposed to go to work and face him now? Oh, God, what if he expected a relationship from me?
I couldn’t do this.
I pulled the blankets over my head and rolled back over with a mournful groan. I was an adult. I was a professional. I didn’t know if I was going to be able to handle this at all. I really did feel sick to my stomach as bile lurched in my throat.
Scrambling out of bed, I rushed to the bathroom. I did not need to be sick right now. Being sick right now was not ideal. I paused, leaning against the sink counter. I ran cool tap water and splashed it over the back of my neck, scooping some into my mouth with my hands. After a few sips of water and several deep breaths, I was finally able to look at myself in the mirror.
“Get it together, Emma,” I told myself. “He’s probably as mortified and embarrassed as you are.”
I stared at myself long and hard, as if that were the same as giving myself a pep talk.
“I’ll figure it out,” I grumbled.
A long, hot shower would ease the tension building to epic proportions in my neck and back. The bags under my eyes were so dark and heavy they were more like carry-on luggage.
He had to have been as swept up as I was, to have found me attractive enough to do what we did…
“It wasn’t anything,” I told myself again. “It didn’t mean anything. It was just the release of professional tension.”
Last night had been hard, so hard—much harder than I had ever had to deal with for some reason—and Marcus had helped me get through it. That’s all it was. That’s all it was.
By the time I was done staring myself down, trying and failing at convincing myself this wasn’t the end of the world, the mirror was completely fogged up, which was just as well.
I stepped into the hot shower, scalding, the way I liked it, the way I needed it.
I spent too long under the water, and by the time I was done, my fingertips were pruned. Fortunately, my morning hours were blocked off for office work and catching up on paperwork. That meant I wouldn’t have to be in the ER—or anywhere I might run into Marcus.
Even though I convinced myself that we were professionals and that this was no big deal, I still had a bunching of nerves in my gut just thinking about what might happen if I ran into him. It wasn’t something I was ready to deal with.
Once I arrived at the hospital, I made a quick foray to the cafeteria before retreating back into my office. It seemed safer that way.
I looked up when I heard a gentle tapping on my office door.
“There you are,” Sarah said as the door opened. “You’ve been hiding all morning.”
I scoffed. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
I knew exactly what she was talking about. The fact that she was perceptive enough to even notice had my nerves on high alert. She did not need to know about Marcus right now.
“What’s up?” I asked as nonchalantly as I could muster.
“I just wanted to check in on you. After I heard about last night…”
My gut clenched, and my skin pricked in terror as a light sweat erupted from all of my pores.
“Who told you about last night?” I snapped.
I was ready to hunt down Marcus and string him up by his balls. I couldn’t believe he was going around telling people what we had done. I knew we hadn’t discussed the finer details, but I still would have thought he’d talk to me first.
Sarah threw up her hands. “Whoa, whoa, calm down. It’s not like everybody doesn’t already know about last night, Emma. I was just here to offer my moral support.”
I started to form the words, Why would I need moral support? when it finally dawned on me what she was talking about. I shut my mouth quickly, breathing hard through my nose.
“Right. Last night.”
I guess what had happened between Marcus and me had successfully done its job since I had all but forgotten about the grave results of last night’s failed emergency surgery. I let out a heavy breath.
“Yeah, sorry. Still… still on edge. Still really raw. I’m not exactly sure why I reacted this way. I mean…”
I rested my elbows on my desk and buried my face in my palms.
“I mean, like somebody who’s never lost a patient before,” I groaned. “I don’t know. I reacted more like a resident than a staff surgeon. It was wholly unprofessional of me.”
“It was wholly human of you,” she pointed out.
She was in the chair across from me, leaning forward as she spoke.
“There are just some things we cannot brace for. It doesn’t matter how prepared you think you are—because when stuff goes sideways, it’s going to go sideways whether you want it to or not.”
I tried to chuckle. She was right. There had been no way that I could have expected last night’s surgery to end the way it had—either with what happened between me and Marcus or with what happened to that kid on my table.
“You do the best job you can,” she continued. “You put forth maximum effort every time, and something will still sneak around and bite you in the ass when you least expect it.”
I chuckled a little at her choice of words. I didn’t know if what I had dealt with was a bite on the ass or a full-on chewed-up, spit-out, and ground-into-the-dirt situation. Either way, it didn’t feel good.
“I think you should make an appointment and go talk to Terry,” she continued.
Terry was the hospital’s resident staff counselor. Our jobs were hard, and when Manhattan Memorial began its renovations—including rebuilding the atrium and overhauling the cafeteria layout—they also renovated how they supported their staff and brought in Terry to help staff cope.
I understood the need for someone like Terry, especially in emergencies where you needed to talk to someone right away. Probably what I should have done last night instead of turning to Marcus. But I pushed that thought down. It was done. It was over. It was never going to happen again. I needed to get over myself because I did have to work with the man, and I was going to have to face him at some point.
But in all honesty, I was concerned that if I went to Terry, it might somehow get back to administration, and they’d question my ability to continue this job.
“It’s completely confidential. You’re not putting your job at risk,” Sarah said, as if reading my mind.
After another long pause, I sighed.
“Okay,” I said. “I’ll give her office a call.”
“Good.”
Sarah slapped her palms against my desk and stood.
“I’ll walk with you.”
“Don’t I have to make an appointment and see if she’s available?”
“Already taken care of.”
With an inward groan, I got to my feet and walked around the desk to where Sarah was waiting for me. She looped her arm through mine and escorted me from my office.
We walked arm in arm for a couple of yards before the hallway split, and I had to go one direction to see Terry while Sarah needed to head back to her rounds.
She turned to me and fidgeted with the collar of my blouse, like some mom preparing to send her kid into school. “Please go see Terry. Don’t brush this off.”
“I will, I promise.” I stilled her hands with mine. “I promise.”
“Remember, I’m the only one who knows you’re going to see her right now. It’ll just be you and her. It’s completely confidential. Unless you’re doing something grossly illegal or someone’s personal safety is at risk, it will stay between the two of you.”
“Okay,” I said.
Sarah stared hard into my eyes, waiting for me to nod. I did, not wanting to make her strain her brain trying to convey a psychic message to me. I turned away from her as we parted and froze. I thought I caught a glimpse of Marcus retreating down the same hallway I needed to walk down.
I held my breath and waited, making sure he didn’t turn around or say anything to me.
When I thought the coast was clear, I dutifully took myself to Terry’s office to discuss my feelings—about how I had let myself down on a professional level.