27. Jude
Jude
The cold nips at my face, but I barely feel it. I’m too busy trying to remember how to breathe. Taylor sits beside me, wrapped in a thick blanket, staring into the fire. Waiting.
Except for Roman, no one knows the truth.
I’ve carried it for so long that it feels fused to my bones.
Sometimes, I convince myself it happened to someone else.
But there are times when I’d see my sixteen-year-old reflection in the mirror, and the memories would hit me hard.
It’s unbearable. I don’t want to endure that pain anymore.
Roman had a point. If I’m ever going to move on from my past, I can’t keep burying it. I can’t allow it to define my life anymore.
“There’s something I need to tell you.”
Taylor’s gaze shifts from the fire to me.
“I...” My throat tightens. “I’ve never had the urge to tell anyone this. Roman only knows because... he had to. But nobody else.”
Taylor squeezes my knee. “Whatever it is, I’m honored.”
The words nearly undo me. I turn my attention to the flames instead of his face. “For years, I hid that I was gay. Mostly because I didn’t know how my mom would react if I told her. She was all I had, and I couldn’t bear the thought of losing her.”
The hardest part of those memories approaches. My chest aches like hell. Taking a deep breath, I force myself onward. “Her boyfriend lived with us at the time. Somehow, he found out. One night...”
My voice breaks. I close my eyes. My pulse pounds louder than the crackling of the fire. Taylor rests his hand on top of mine. The reassuring gesture loosens my throat. “Mom was working the graveyard shift. He came into my room.”
“Jesus,” Taylor whispers. He knows where this is going. Still, I need to get the words out.
“He forced himself on me. When I fought back, he hit me. When I cried, he laughed.” My jaw clenches until I taste bile, shame rushing back with terrifying force. “Then he said if I ever told anyone, they would know I was gay. They would hate me for being gay. I believed him. I stayed quiet.”
“You were a kid.” Taylor’s voice is heavy with emotion. “What else were you supposed to do?”
“Tell my mother the truth,” I reply. “Because he kept coming. Night after night.”
“Oh, my fucking God.”
I scrub a trembling hand over my face. “For weeks, I could barely eat. I hardly slept. I couldn’t bear to look at myself.” Anguish finally explodes in my system. I wrap my arms around me. “I kept thinking it was all my fault. Maybe if I’d been different, you know?”
“Yes, I know what you mean,” he whispers.
“When Mom got concerned, I told her it was a bully at school. She showed up to confront someone who didn’t exist. I had no choice but to tell her the truth.”
Even now, remembering her face almost destroys me. “I’ve never seen someone look so... broken. She waited until he got home that evening, and she didn’t even hesitate. She confronted him with his own gun. One bullet.”
Taylor sucks in a breath.
“My mother went to prison on a second-degree murder conviction, and I spent the next year bouncing through foster homes.” The loneliness of those days still echoes somewhere inside me. “A little after my twentieth birthday, she passed away from pneumonia in her cell.”
Each word feels like someone is dragging broken glass across my chest. My mouth trembles. “I never got a chance to hug her, to say goodbye. I spent years wishing I’d told her I was gay. If I had, he never could have used that secret against me.”
I squeeze my eyes shut, but the tears escape anyway. “I’ve blamed myself every day since.”
A choked sob prompts my eyes to open. Taylor’s cheeks are wet, and his shoulders shake as he presses a hand over his mouth. The sight hits me hard. “Taylor...”
He shakes his head, unable to speak. When he finally does, his voice sounds ragged. “I’m so, so sorry that happened to you.”
Something in my chest softens. Moving closer, I brush my thumb across his cheek. “It’s okay,” I murmur. “It’s over.”
“But your mom...”
A sad smile forms on my face. I peer up at the stars. “She’s at peace.” At least I’d like to think so. It’s the only thought that has kept me sane since she passed away.
For a long moment, he says nothing. He’s processing. He seems so much smaller, as if he’s shrinking into himself. “What happened after she died?”
“I left town after the funeral,” I reply.
“There was nothing left there for me, anyway. Spent the next few years moving around, trying to find someplace to call home, making sure nobody got close enough to hurt me. Pleasure was easy. It made me feel like I was in control. No emotions. No promises. It felt safe.”
Glancing over at him, I take the plunge. “Then I met you.”
Taylor lets out a sharp intake of breath. He pulls back, staring up at me with wide eyes. “Jude.”
“I know. It’s terrifying.” I shift in the seat, letting him see the truth on my face. “But you’re the first person who’s ever made me want more.”
Another moment passes where he says nothing, then he turns to me. “I need to tell you something, too.”
“Okay.” I brace for words that might ruin me. Rejection isn’t something I’ve ever experienced with another man.
“I was around seventeen when I realized I liked guys,” he says. “And then I spent the next four years pretending I didn’t. One night in college, I had a little too much to drink, but it made me brave enough to explore. A few months later, I met a man. Noel.”
This isn’t exactly where I expected him to go, but I keep listening.
“Noel was older and more experienced than the other guys I’d been with. More importantly, he understood the need to keep our affair a secret. Later, I found out why he understood so well. He had a wife and kids.”
“Fuck.”
“A blogger took our photos while we were leaving his apartment early one morning. Lucky for me, the blogger wanted money. Mom paid him a chunk to make the story go away.”
Taylor sighs, pulling the blanket tighter around him.
“I cut all ties with Noel. I told Mom I wasn’t gay, that I was confused for a moment.
She believed me, even more so when I started ‘dating’ Celeste.
Everything seemed to work out fine—well, except the part where I suppressed my attraction to other men. Then they found Noel dead.”
My entire body goes still.
“I had nothing to do with it; I promise,” he says quickly.
“He died of a heart attack. However, no one knew the cause of death at the time. Mom was concerned there might’ve been foul play and that Noel had information in his phone that would connect us, which is why I came here.
She wanted me out of the way in case the authorities found anything. ”
“Was she worried they would arrest you?” I ask.
He shakes his head. “No, she was worried about a scandal.”
Ah, yes. Natasha is running for office. Now I understand why she made such an expensive offer to Roman.
Taylor reaches for my hand, lacing his fingers through mine. “But you know what? Coming here might be the best thing that has ever happened to me.”
“I agree. And while I’m sorry for what you went through, I think it pushed you on the journey of discovering yourself.”
“It did.” He smiles. “I’ve never felt so free.”
My smile is just as huge. It seems as if we’re taking a step in the right direction. “Look, I can’t give you any tips on how to come out to your mother, but I’ll be here whenever you’re ready.”
A hush falls over us. Taylor pulls his hand from mine. Not good. “I can’t come out,” he mutters. “The people supporting Mom won’t take that news well.”
“You don’t need to return to an environment where people will judge who you are. You can stay here.”
My entire body tenses, bracing for his response. After what feels like forever, Taylor sighs heavily. “I seriously wish I could, but I have obligations back home. I can’t just walk away from them.”
Disappointment settles quietly inside me, but I don’t plan on giving up.
I have two months left. If anything, I’ll recruit Roman to help.
This goes beyond my selfish need to keep him here with me.
Taylor needs people around who care for his well-being.
Roman and I might be an unorthodox family, but around us, he’d never have to worry about being safe.
“Besides...” Taylor circles my palm with his thumb. “I know Roman can’t wait for me to leave.”
“I’m positive you’re wrong about that.”
Which earns me an eye roll. “Yeah, right. He’s so thrilled to have me around that he’s avoiding me.”
His sarcastic response contains a hint of bitterness. “Roman is avoiding you because he’s scared.”
“Scared of what?”
“You. Specifically, of what you make him feel. You’re his stepbrother’s kid. In his mind, he has no business being attracted to you. Even worse, he shouldn’t be having sex with you. But he can’t help it. You’re under his skin, and he doesn’t know how to get you out.”
“How do you know all that?”
“Because I’ve seen the way he looks at you.”
Taylor seems blown away by my response. He swallows. “I still can’t stay.”
“Can’t or won’t?”
He ponders it for a moment. “Can’t.”
My stomach sinks a little more.
His expression brightens, and he nudges my shoulder. “But you could always come visit me.”
I manage a smile. “Oh?”
“Yeah.” He smiles back.
With an innocent tilt of my head, I ask, “Will we be sharing the same bed?”
He shrugs. “As long as we’re discreet, I guess.”
It’s disheartening. I can’t help feeling Taylor won’t come out unless someone forces him to. “Don’t make the same mistake I did,” I beseech him. “Don’t keep living a lie.”
Taylor bites his bottom lip, his chest expanding from a deep inhale. I expect him to regurgitate the list of reasons he can’t reveal his sexuality. Instead, he straddles me. “Would you rather keep talking, or fuck me?”
My traitorous dick chooses this very moment to start growing. Taylor shifts on my lap, making it thicken even faster. “I think I have my answer.”
“Not tonight.” I clutch his hips and slide him off me. My body screams in protest. Every inch of me craves the feel of his tight, warm flesh, but for once, I won’t surrender to that need. For once, I want so much more than sex. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay, I get it.” He rests his head on my shoulder. “You know what? You’re a decent guy, Jude.”
With a snort, I wrap my arm around his waist, staring at the tiny silver points of light in the sky. I’m not a good guy—yet— but I want to be one. It means taking accountability, going back to therapy, and fixing what’s wrong with me. Not only for myself, but for Taylor too.
Because the truth is, he’s not only under Roman’s skin. There’s no denying that I’m falling for him.
The thought settles in my soul as a sudden thump comes from behind us. I twist my head, frowning. “Did you hear something?”