CHAPTER TWENTY THREE | Kenan
CHAPTER TWENTY THREE
Kenan
F OR THE FIRST TIME in so long I wake up feeling okay. Nothing is great right now, but there’s no hangover, no cloud hanging over me. I reach over, feeling her. She’s really here. It wasn’t a dream. Pulling her to me, I hear Beckett mumble something about being a good puppy, which makes me smile.
Smile. I’m smiling.
Could this be the first day of the rest of my life? Is she back to stay or just here to get help with the babies? Even if she’s just here for our kids. Ha, our kids. We actually managed to get her pregnant, but when I let her go I never expected to see her again.
I drown myself in the guilt of everything, but she’s here, in my bed, sleeping. Pressing a kiss to her shoulder my body heats against her, wanting to never let go again, but I need to know why she came back. If she leaves again, I won’t, I can't even think about that.
“Good morning.” She stretches against me, pushing her ass into my dick that’s hardening at an alarming rate. “Oh, hello.” She smiles over her shoulder at me.
“I thought I dreamt it all.” I say, tucking her into my chest. She rolls in my arms, laying on her back and another smile stretches my face when I see her belly poking out of the shirt that’s ridden up to her breasts. Hesitating, I reach out to touch her, letting my hand slide over the round belly, feeling the small movements beneath her. My heart fills with too many emotions to sort out as tears sting my eyes. “But it’s real.” I breathe out, feeling the tears slide down my face.
She looks up at me with those beautiful blue eyes and pulls her bottom lip through her teeth, “I’m hungry.”
“What do you want?” I ask, kissing her cheek, not wanting to leave this bed in fear, this still could all be a dream.
“Egg sandwich, over easy egg, sausage, cheese, and mayo on an English muffin.” She hums, closing her eyes. “And some fresh grapes.”
“Anything to drink?” I ask, tracing my thumb along her bottom lip.
“I’d love some orange juice, but that shit tears my stomach up, so I’ll have some apple juice for now.” She nods, resting her hand on my wrist. “However, I can get my own food.” She smiles softly, attempting to sit up, but the struggle with this one is real. She grunts, digging her elbow into my chest as she tries to get up again. When she fails, I laugh to myself as she lets out a sigh, “Fine, you can help me up.”
I roll off the bed, stand up and offer her my hands. She takes them and we watch as Beck face plants the mattress. He’s fucking out. “Should we wake him up so he doesn’t wake up alone?” I ask, dropping an arm over her shoulders.
“Nah, let him sleep.” She steps out of my touch, making my heart drop as I watch her walk away from me. I follow her out of the room and down to the kitchen.
When she opens the fridge and starts rummaging through it I step up behind her, “We have cooks that could do this for you.” I say, wrapping my arms around her as I press a kiss to the back of her head.
“I can cook for myself, little wolf.”
“Then let me do it.” I say, taking the eggs from her.
“Have you ever cooked an egg?” She snatches the eggs back and turns to look at me.
“No.” I say, suddenly feeling resentment for having a cook my whole life. “But I can learn.” I say, furrowing my brows.
“Not with my food. You can watch.” She says, pointing to a stool on the other side of the counter. “Sit down.” She commands and I obey.
I used to have more bark and bite than this, but Onyx has my balls in her hand and there’s no getting them back anymore. They’re forever hers and I think I might be okay with that, as long as she never leaves with them again.
Onyx pulls her hair up into a bun on the top of her head and gets to work in the kitchen, making everything she wants and then some. She hums to a familiar song as she sways, flipping the eggs. That song, it’s the one that she played that night. The song I heard on the radio right before I jumped. The song that has driven me into madness. Loved You A Little by The Maine, Taking Back Sunday, and Charlotte Sands. Why is the damn song so upbeat? It’s almost like a brag of never loving someone.
“Never loved you a little.” I say, hanging my head as my hands grip my hair. The pain spears me as the words play on repeat in my head.
She puts her finger under my chin and lifts my head, her bright blues stare at me as she studies my face. “How far have you fallen, little wolf?” Her question hits me like a freight train tearing through a semi, sending fractured pieces into the fields. I can’t answer her, because I’m not sure I’ve hit rock bottom. Does anyone know when they’ve fallen too far?
No matter what I say, I can’t fix what I’ve broken. So the only way out is up, right? So if this is rock bottom, is she the light leading me through the mud?
A single tear falls down her cheek when she realizes just how distraught I am. “Little wolf.” She breathes. “My God.” She walks around the counter and slams her body into me, hugging me tightly and I fall apart in her arms.
Sniffing through the sobs, “Your eggs are burning.” I say between broken breaths.
“Shit!” She lets go, running to the stove as I wipe away the tears.
“Sorry.” I sort of laugh, as she throws the pan into the sink, flicking the water on as it sizzles.
She flaps her arms in the air and smacks them to her thighs, “You can apologize about the eggs, but not about this.” She points to her belly and laughs. “Unbelievable.”
“You should let me cook if you think that this is an acceptable smell for food.” Beck says, waving his hand through the smoke as he walks towards the stove.
“It’s his fault.” Onyx says, pointing at me as she scrunches her nose.
I wipe my face before turning to look at Beckett. “He can’t cook.”
“I know I can’t cook, I wasn’t cooking.” I stay to him, rolling my eyes. “I distracted her.” I say, not wanting to tell him that I just cried, again.
“I’m still hungry and now the eggs are ruined.” Onyx sighs, dropping her shoulders.
“What were you making?” Beckett asks, getting a new pan out of the cabinet.
“Egg sandwiches, everything’s on the counter.” She pushes up to her toes and presses a quick kiss to his cheek. “Thanks puppy.” Onyx walks over to me, taking a seat in the bar stool beside me. “So, what should we do today?” She asks, putting her chin in her hands as she watches Beckett start cooking.
“I was thinking, lots of cuddles.” Beck smiles at us. “I haven’t had human touch since you left.”
“What?” She looks at me and I drop my eyes again. “You two didn’t stay together?” She asks.
“No, I left when you did.” Beck answers, “I couldn’t.” He doesn’t finish his sentence, but we all know what he means, because I couldn’t either.
“So tell me what I missed.” She says, “I heard Cordelia had her baby. How’s Axel handling fatherhood?”
“He’s a total control freak, no one’s allowed to touch his kid. He almost punched Maci for taking it from Cordelia.” I reply, “but that’s all I really know.”
“Why? Don’t you live here with them?”
“I, it’s been a rough few months.” I reply, not wanting to tell her everything right away. I need time to know she’s staying before I tell her everything. I already look weak in her eyes having cried in her arms just a few minutes ago, I don’t need her to know that the bridge wasn’t the only time I tried to kill myself or that I spent more time drunk or lost on drugs than not. I’m not ready for that pity party.
“I got a new job.” Beckett says, cutting through the tension.
“Oh, yeah? Where?” She asks, leaning into the conversation. I watch as the two of them talk, like nothing happened. They’re picking up right where they left off and I’m getting left behind. My heart aches at how easy it seems for them, maybe I should leave.
The conflict in my head pulls me in two different directions and I’m not sure which path to take. “Get out of your head.” Onyx bumps her shoulder against me, “We need to get to know each other again.”
“Oh, my favorite color is blue.” Beckett says proudly. “In case you were curious.”
“I love blue. But I’m more of a black girlie. Something about the way it swallows the light makes my heart happy.” She shimmies her shoulders as Beckett sets a plate full of food in front of her. Two breakfast sandwiches and a handful of grapes. “Apple juice please.” She says, popping a grape into her mouth.
“As you wish.” He replies, turning to make it for her.
“What about you Kenan, what’s your favorite color?” She asks me with a smile. I’ve never really thought about a favorite color, at least not since I was a kid, so I’m not sure how to answer it. I love the color of her eyes, the color of Beckett’s cheeks when he blushes. But a favorite color, that’d be like asking which one of them I love more. “It’s not rocket science.”
“I don’t have one.” I replied. “I don’t believe in having a favorite anything when there’s so much the world has to offer.” I blurt out, then roll my eyes because it sounds fucking stupid. Why am I like this?
“Well, that’s insanely optimistic from a guy who-” She cocks a brow and looks away, “Sorry.” She clears her throat, shoving another grape in her mouth as Beckett puts her apple juice down in front of her.
“What do you know? It’d be easier to just tell us what you know instead of fishing for what we might tell you about what’s happened since you left.” I snap, feeling a little bit of anger pushing to the surface.
“Okay, fine. Here’s what I know. I know that you’ve tried to kill yourself at least three times, that your mom knows about. I know that your mom was testing you with me, she says she tests all the people you lot bring home, I was supposed to be a test and you failed. She knew you took my birth control out and that you were trying to get me pregnant. She knew where I was the whole time, she knew you didn’t kill me, like we planned. She showed up in my apartment with the wedding invitation and we came up with a calculated plan to get you away from Esme. You were supposed to want me so badly that you would have rather killed Esme than marry her.” She’s shouting now. “You were supposed to fight for me.” She punches me in the arm. “But you caved, you let me leave.”
“Then why are you back?”
“Because I passed the fucking test!” She shouts in my face.
Both Beckett and I flick our heads to look at each other, then look back at her, confusion plastered on our faces, “What test did you pass?” I ask.
“I had a choice, let you marry Esme, or show up and show them who the fuck I am. Now, I couldn’t just show up and demand to have you back, so I put on a fucking show. I got the gun from Ethan, who was the only one besides Candace who knew I actually came back. So when I walked through that door at the church, I chose you.” She shakes her head, her voice dropping. “I chose you, after everything, I came back for you. Both of you!” She shouts, slamming her fist on the counter.
“You didn’t just come back because of them?” Beck asks, nodding his head to her belly.
“No. Not just because of them. They need to know who their fathers are, but I want this. I actually kind of hate myself for wanting whatever this is, but I can’t keep going without you both in my stupid life.”
“But if I failed the test, then...” My eyes widen in fear.
“Then you don’t get to choose the commitment ritual.” She smiles. “But I do.” The smile on this woman's face is more than devious, it’s down right evil.
“But...” My head swims from everything she’s just said.
“Commitment ritual. That’s only for...” Beckett smiles widely. “Are you serious?” He asks,
“As a pregnant belly.” She laughs.
“Hold up. What commitment ritual?” I ask, waving my hands in front of me.
“Ours.”