CHAPTER 56
Emma
I lay with my cheek against Finn’s chest. His chin rests on top of my head. I think it’s been easier for him to tell me all this if he doesn’t have to look at me.
His fingers play in my hair. I get the feeling he’s looking up into the pine trees now, but for a lot of it, his eyes have been closed. For the most part, I’ve stayed silent. I wanted to give him the space he needs to let it out.
But there was a twist in this story where I couldn’t keep quiet. It was when he told me how he’d blamed himself for Amy’s death. And how up until recently, he’d lived with crippling guilt he couldn’t shake, believing he could have done something to save her.
I couldn’t help myself. I spouted off about how he’d gotten it all wrong and that he needs to forgive himself for something he had no power over. That was when he kissed me to get me to shut up. And told me about the butterfly at the family cemetery and what Amy said to him.
I pulled him into my arms and let him cry for as long as he needed.
He continued to talk after that. He’s been telling me how much he loved her. How she balanced him out at a time in his life when he was consumed by his work in the shadows of intelligence gathering, where truth didn’t exist, and how it had the power to twist the way he saw the world.
Amy was his center. He explains that with her, he was able to remember that not everyone lived in the darkness. He didn’t have enough time with her, he says. She was gone before they’d even started their lives together.
It’s more than he’s ever told me about his love for Amy.
And it’s certainly more than he’s ever said about what he does for a living. It’s all general and vague, because it has to be, but I have a better appreciation for the tech he and his brothers develop, and how important it is for our country.
I am immensely proud of Finn. I am honored that he trusts me enough to tell me this.
He wants me to know who he was in the past and who he is now. He wants me to know that’s he’s made the decision to move on from Amy. That he’s created a place in his life for me.
I have tears in my eyes, but I don’t want him to see that.
They’re tears of gratitude. And love.
But now I’m alarmed. He’s just set the stage for me to return the honesty.
His fingers brush up and down my bare arm. I can tell by the angle of the sun that we’ll have to pick up Jasmine soon.
“Thank you for listening to all that,” he says. “You’ve been very quiet for a while now.”
I nod against his muscular chest. “I’ve focused on every word, Finn. Thank you for sharing that with me. You are an incredibly brave, brilliant man. I don’t know how I got so lucky to have you in my life.”
Finn sits up, bringing me with him. His brows are pulled tight in a question. I’m trying to avoid making eye contact.
“Emma?” He places two fingers under my chin to lift my face. “Why are you crying? I didn’t mean to dump on you.”
I shake my head. “I’m honored you told me. Truly. I know you better now, and I…”
I glance around this beautiful, perfect place. It’s Finn’s place, a beautiful and perfect man.
Suddenly, I feel like I don’t belong. It’s an ugly, familiar feeling that I’ve managed to push away most days here on Yosemite Ranch. But it’s back with a vengeance.
Because he wants me to spill the beans.
I can’t. It will ruin everything.
He deserves to know the truth about me. Who I am and what I’ve done. But I’m not strong enough to tell him.
“I’m so sorry you went through all that grief and all that guilt.”
He rests a hand on my shoulder.
“But I’m so glad that there’s been love at every turn for you, Finn. Love with Amy, with Jasmine, within the circle of family support that’s always surrounded you. You got through the worst time of your life because of that circle of love.”
“I did. Emma, where are you going with this?”
He strokes the side of my face and tries to get me to look him in the eye.
I’m curling in on myself. I don’t want to. I want to stay open. But I’m failing.
It’s suddenly difficult for me to breathe. I’m shaking.
I grab Finn and kiss him, hard, then pull back, summoning all my courage.
“Please understand.” I pause. “I don’t have a story of love to tell. It’s about being alone and empty. Of not mattering to anyone. It’s not a pretty story. I’m not ready to share it.”
“It’s okay, Emma.”
I shake my head again. “I know Phyllis has told you some—”
“A little, but I didn’t want to hear it from her. I wanted you to tell me.”
“I will. But not now. Please be patient with me.”
“I can do that, baby. Hey, it’s okay.”
He pulls me into him, and just like that, the shrinking and the fear subsides. I feel my body loosen. “I’ve worked hard to keep things separated—some feelings get stored here and others over there. It’s how I survived.”
He kisses the top of my head and holds me tight.
“Please give me a little more time to sort things out in my head so that I can talk about it, find the right way to tell you.”
“I saw it on your face that night at the fair,” he whispers. “Take as much time as you need, Emma. I’m not going anywhere.”
I pull back so that I can look at him.
“Thank you.”
We get dressed and drive back to school, where I left the SUV many hours ago. The whole trip, Finn holds my hand in his. He doesn’t say much, and I’m grateful for the quiet. I’m grateful for his patience.
But I can’t help but wonder just how badly I’ve fucked everything up.
I’m in love with him.
I don’t want to lose him.
I close my eyes, wishing I had anything to tell him other than the truth.