CHAPTER 68
Emma
Phyllis has been so sweet. I appreciate how she’s tried not to ask too many questions about everything that’s happened with Finn. I told her I just needed a break from Finn’s house, and that I plan to look for a new job. She told me I was welcome with her and Jamie for as long as I need.
But I’ll have to work hard to erase what I just saw in Finn’s eyes. When I shared my concerns about Jasmine, he looked at me with suspicion and anger. What I heard in his voice was mistrust.
That’s not how I want to remember him.
I want to remember how he looks when he smiles at me, or when he hugs Jasmine, or when he enjoys my cooking, or trains a horse, or plays video games. The face I want to hold in my heart forever is the one that looks at me with wonder and lust.
Looked. Past tense.
I wanted too much from Finn. Dreamed of too much.
Only to have it confirmed that Finn doesn’t view me as his equal. I’m not partner material. Just like the twinset triplets said. I’m the cleaner. The woman who walked along the dusty state highway to get to Yosemite Ranch. No PhD. No right to want the best for Jasmine.
An embarrassment to the MacLaines.
I don’t wish to learn that lesson twice.
I meant well. I told him what I knew because it’s vital to Jasmine’s well-being, and I love that kid. But he dismissed me.
I’ve been hurt a lot in my life, in many ways and by many different people, but never have I felt a pain like this.
Phyllis said Finn’s come to see me three times already. But I can’t talk to him. These past few hours have been nothing but one long sob for me. I feel like I’m dying without him. I don’t want him to see me broken.
Do I love him? Yes. I never had the courage to say it, and now I’m glad I didn’t. But that doesn’t change the fact that I opened myself to him, body and soul, and allowed myself to believe he could be mine.
I blossomed with Finn. I finally got the one thing I’ve always dreamed of, that a good man would show me what it meant to be a fully sexual being, safe and treasured.
He’ll never even know he gave me that gift.
Finn is a good man. I still believe that. But he doesn’t think I’m good enough for him.
I let my head fall to the pillow. Here come more tears.
I only hope I can stop crying in time to show up at that stupid volunteer meeting I promised Jasmine I’d attend.
I kick myself for that.