CHAPTER 74
Finn
I’m rocked to my core. I would fall down, if I weren’t already propped against the wall of the horse stall.
I’m stunned to see Emma standing outside the door. I've been keeping the pregnant mare company for three hours now, but my mind has never left Emma.
So when she appears in the barn in the wee hours of the morning, no wonder I assume it’s my imagination.
It’s been pretty active tonight.
I’ve been picturing the joy she radiates when she’s whipping up something delicious for us in the kitchen. The silky touch of her long hair on my skin when we’re joined. How she looks at me when I'm inside her, the rich brown gaze that lures me into the depths of bliss, where I happily drown.
My imagination goes far beyond the physical pleasure she's given me, though. I consider how much my world has changed since the night she wandered into Cal and Victoria’s wedding tent.
I saw Emma and just like that I knew that my life still held the possibility for happiness.
I knew there was still room and time for me, because love had walked in and taken a seat.
I dared to dream. I saw Emma as my chance. But then I fucked it up. And now I know just how dangerous dreams can be. They can explode in your face.
Not that any of us have much choice in the matter.
We run to dreams and hope because without them, we’re just sitting around waiting to die.
Declan and I dreamed up StellaR Tech one night in a bar, and look what’s happened.
I hoped I would find a way to raise Jasmine without Amy, and I have.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting something so much that you believe you can dream it into existence.
There’s risk, though.
So why did I push Emma away? It’s simple.
Fear.
I told myself that I was doing it for my child. What a load of shit. I saw her observation about dyslexia as proof that I’d failed Jasmine. And that, right there, is fear in its most basic form for me. My biggest fear.
Failing my child.
I didn’t see Emma’s concern for Jasmine as helping me to build something. I believed she was tearing something down. And that’s the thing about fear… it will always try to convince you there’s an endless supply of things to be afraid of.
Fear kills joy. It kills dreams. Fear kills love. My fear ruined everything I had with Emma.
So she can’t possibly be standing in front of me now, right?
I close my eyes and open them again, certain my hallucination will have disappeared.
She's still here. Still looking at me with huge sorrowful eyes.
Did I just open my mouth and greet this magnificent creature with the words “What are you doing here?”
I move slowly past the mare and step out into the aisle. “You surprised me. I didn’t mean it to sound like that. It’s just that it’s the middle of the night and I didn’t expect… is everything okay, Emma?”
She shakes her head and releases a soft moan. “I couldn’t sleep. I went for a walk and saw the barn lights on. I heard the horses and thought they were upset.”
“They are,” I say.
Emma takes two steps back and stops, then studies my face. “Wait. Are you all right?” She glances at the horse lying on her side in the hay. “Oh, no. Is something going wrong?”
“This is Suki,” I say, gesturing for Emma to come closer. “She’s a sweet gal and has given birth five times, but she’s in distress this time around.”
Emma looks alarmed. “Will she and the baby be all right?”
Oh.
Shit.
It hits me like a fucking freight train. That’s the exact question I asked eight years ago, when the doctors rushed Amy into surgery.
I take a breath and stay as steady as I can when I answer Emma.
“She and the baby will be fine. The vet is coming in a few hours, and I’ll sit with her until then. For now, her heart rate and breathing are normal.”
“Why is everyone else so fidgety?”
She’s right, and very observant. It’s noisy in here tonight. “Horses are herd animals, and they pick up on what others are feeling. If one is in pain, none of them can settle down.”
Emma nods and peers into the stall. I don't know how to continue this conversation or even if I should, and I think she’s struggling with that too. I probably won’t have many more opportunities for this, so I let myself look at her while her attention is focused on Suki.
I thought I had memorized every plane and curve of Emma’s face, but as I observe her, I’m in awe of how beautiful she is. Inside and out.
She is the most beautiful thing that has ever walked into my life.
I don’t want her to go. I want Emma’s company. I want her at my side. If she leaves this barn now, tonight, I may never see her again.
“Would you li—?”
“Can I st—?”
Emma and I stare at one another. “Please,” I say to her. “I’d really like it if you stay. It might be safest if we watch her from out here, though. If Suki tries to stand or starts rolling, you might get hurt.”
She looks up at me and nods.
I grab a folded blanket on a nearby bench and spread it outside the cracked-open stall door. Emma sits, scooting over to make room for me, but we’re so close that our legs are touching.
“What happens next, Finn?”
It takes me a moment to realize she’s talking about the horse, not us. “We wait for nature to do her thing.”
She gives me a faint smile and nod.
Time passes in silence. I open my mouth and start to say something and stop myself. I do this a dozen times. But my vocal cords are paralyzed, since I’ve learned that my superpower is choosing the absolute worst thing to say at the moment it can do the most damage.
And I know that at this moment, I absolutely can’t say anything stupid.
When I was a Navy SEAL, I was always clear about mission objective and the path to mission success. Even in the gnarliest of situations, I was sure of myself. I knew myself.
When I invented the tech with Declan, I was absolutely clear that we needed to start a company. With the help of my brothers, that bar napkin invention now has a place in the world and has secured my family’s future.
Even sitting here with a distressed horse, when things could turn bad, I’m sure of myself. I know when to call the vet in. I know how to help her. I know when to be patient and when to act.
But looking over at Emma, her pretty face in profile, the way her long graceful neck appears in the dim light—with this woman, I have no idea what to do.
“I'm sorry for walking away,” Emma says out of nowhere.
I turn to look at her, but she's staring straight ahead. I speak to her profile. “You have nothing to apologize for. I’m trying to remember how to do this, how to open my heart to a woman. I’m out of practice, and I’m a stubborn sonofabitch.”
Emma puts her hand on my arm, quieting me. “Stop,” she whispers. The sound of her soft voice makes me shudder. I didn’t know how much I missed her soft whisper. “I can see how you might think I overstepped. I’m just a housekeeper. A cleaner and cook. I don't know anything about raising children.”
I cup her face in my hands and look deep into her eyes, which are glistening with emotion.
“It’s your turn to stop,” I say. “You're not just a housekeeper or a cleaner or a cook. You’re the sweetest woman I’ve ever known, and so sexy that I can't stop thinking about making love to you. If you can’t see that, then I’m not doing my job. ”
Emma pulls away from me. She lays her head into her hands. “No,” she says. “There are things about me that…” she starts and then stops. I wait for her to continue, not wanting to push her. I know that we’re at some turning point, and I don't want to ruin it.
Not again.
Finally, she raises her head. “I'm nothing, Finn. I came from nothing. You came from everything. You're a MacLaine. You're Yosemite Ranch. You're a war hero and a tech genius. You're a millionaire.”
I'm tempted to tell her that I'm actually a billionaire, but maybe now’s not the time.
“None of that is who I am, though. I’m just a dude who’s trying his best to raise a child and respect the memory of his dead wife.
And all that matters to me is who you are, sitting next to me in a barn in the middle of the night, keeping a mare company as she gives birth.
I see you, Emma. I know who you are. You’re the one I want by my side tonight and every night. ”
She shakes her head sadly. “That’s the thing. You don't know who I really am.”
“Then tell me.”
She looks up at me, about to speak, just as Suki goes into active labor.
I grab Emma. I kiss her hard and look into those dark, beautiful eyes. “You are not going anywhere. I am yours if you’ll still have me, and you are mine. No matter what it is you’re afraid to tell me, my mind will never change.”
She seems stunned.
“You’re mine, Emma.”
She kisses me back.