CHAPTER 79
Finn
I call ahead to ask Summer if she’ll keep Jasmine a little longer, and tell her to forget about the last week of school entirely. They never do anything the last week except pass the time, and Jasmine is going to have private lessons this summer for her dyslexia.
Another day with Summer will thrill her, and it will give Emma and me time to regroup from whatever J.R. Perkins’s appearance has done to her.
The house is empty when Emma and I return, and word must have gotten out, because the ranch is quieter than I’ve ever seen it. It’s like the waters have parted and we’ve been given safe passage into the house without having to make chitchat or answer questions.
My family is giving us the gift of time. I only hope it’ll be enough for Emma to do what needs to be done.
After I park the car in the garage, Emma allows me to hold her hand while we walk inside. The house smells of Emma—her cleaning supplies and the vanilla candles she likes to burn and the food she likes to cook. This is Emma’s house, and it has been since the day she walked in.
We move through the living room and head out to the back. Emma’s favorite part of the house is the pool area, and I think that’s the best bet to get her to return to herself, to slough off whatever’s eating away at her.
And to tell me what it is so I can fix it. Help her. Protect her.
We go to the small bistro table by the pool’s waterfall, and Emma slides onto my lap, propping both of her arms on my shoulders. She closes her eyes a moment, and her lips turn up in a half smile.
“I love the cottage in Catalina,” she says. “I love your boat. But there’s nothing like Yosemite Ranch. Nothing like this house.”
“And the pool. When the pool contractor made me the most outlandish plans for a resort-style pool, I told him to double the size.”
“And double the outlandishness.”
“Go big or go home. That’s the MacLaine family motto.”
Her eyes fill with tears.
“Oh, Emma.” I gather her to me, cradling her in my arms. I’d do anything to save her from pain, but I know from experience that looking pain square in the eye is the only way through it.
“I don’t want to lose you, Finn.”
“That’ll never happen. Never. This thing between us is too strong. You can’t outrun destiny, Emma. You’re my destiny, and I’m yours.”
“You say that because you don’t know everything about me.”
She drops her arms from my shoulders, leans against my chest, and cries softly. I kiss her hair and breathe her in as I wrap my arms gently around her.
“You don’t know everything about me, either,” I whisper. “That’s our mission—to learn and to love. We have a lifetime to discover each other.”
“But you don’t know what’s at the core of me.”
She pushes away from me and sits up. Her eyes are bloodshot, and her face is wild with despair and determination.
“My parents gave me up when I was an infant,” she begins. “At least I think I was an infant. I don’t remember ever not being abandoned, so I assume I was a baby. I don’t know why I wasn’t adopted, but I never was. I went from home to home. You know all this already.”
I do.
“But you don’t know about the last home I was sent to.” Anger has hardened her eyes. I’ve never seen her like this. “The Perkins house.”
She hisses the words. Her voice is full of so much loathing that it sends a shockwave through me.
“I’m not used to saying that name out loud or even in my mind. I’ve worked hard to block it out, and I was successful, until he opened his mouth on the plane.”
“He called you Emily.”
She nods and even lets go with a small chuckle. “Oh, the man knows my name. He’ll never forget it, not after everything that happened.”
I don’t say a word. I’m a little disturbed by the change in her voice and the way her hackles are up, but I don’t want to influence the way she tells her own story.
I’m beginning to think that if she doesn’t get it all out, it’ll destroy her.
“He only came to my room twice, and only once did he succeed in taking what he wanted from me.”
My heart drops to my feet.
She looks up at the sky and shakes her head, then looks out at the land. “I was very lucky compared to some of the kids in that house.”
The way her voice trails off, I think she’s speaking more to herself than me.
I picture the hideous face of J.R. Perkins, and I’m not even talking about the scar.
He had a smarmy look in his one good eye.
A sinister snarl on his twisted lip. He was right in front of me, and I let him go.
I should have thrown his ass out of the plane.
No, I should have torn him apart with my bare hands and then thrown his ass out of the plane.
But I make sure that none of this shows on my face. I keep it blank and let her keep talking.
When Emma catches my eye, she juts out her chin, steeling herself for whatever she’s about to tell me.
“Here’s the part where you hate me.”
“I won’t. I couldn’t.”
“You’ll never want to be with me again. You won’t trust me around Jasmine.”
Okay—that sends a jolt of alarm through me. I hide it. “That will never happen.”
She looks down at her feet for a long time. I hold my breath. It’s all I can do not to kiss her, hold her, tell her she doesn’t need to continue because it’s just too painful to have to relive.
But I know this is what she must do. She deserves happiness, and she has to believe she can have it. To get there, she has to let this go.
All of it.
“I almost fell for it, Finn. That first night, he said nice things to me. Sweet things. Things no one had ever told me before and what I’d been starving to hear.
I told myself it wasn’t so bad. I’d lost my virginity at thirteen, so it wasn’t like I didn’t know what was happening.
I didn’t fight back, Finn. There was part of me that welcomed it. ”
She checks on me. I nod, encouraging her to go on. This was the first volley. She wanted to see if I’d reject her. I won’t.
But thirteen? Oh, no.
“After it was over and he left my room, I vomited everywhere. I lay in bed all night sobbing, hating myself, but not anywhere near as much as I hated him. And as I lay there staring at the ceiling, I made a promise to myself that would never happen a second time, no matter what I had to do.”
I should have bashed his head against the carry-on compartment. I should have strangled him with the seatbelt. “What happened on that second night, Emma?”
She looks down at her hands briefly before she locks eyes with me.
“I sliced his face off.”
She spits out the words like they’re poison, like they don’t belong on her tongue.
I don’t react. I remain stone-faced, though my heart is hammering and my palms are sweating.
Holy fuck.
And she’s not done.
Emma tells me everything, sparing no detail.
The twisted piece of metal she ripped from the ironing board.
The hiding under the bed. The blood. The screaming.
Trying to clean herself with snow. Her arrest and the juvenile charges that were eventually dropped.
How the rapist never faced justice. How she went out and got herself emancipated and has been taking care of herself ever since.
The loneliness. The backbreaking, low-paying work. That last night at the truck stop.
I stare at her.
Inside this small woman is more courage and resilience than I’ve seen in even the hardest-assed of Navy SEAL hard-asses. Emma Clark is a straight-up warrior. A survivor.
I think back to the skinny, frightened girl who poked her head into the wedding tent. I can’t even imagine the weight of what she carried that evening. The desperation. No wonder she could barely sit up.
She lets go with a gut-wrenching sob and jumps from my lap. I don’t let her go. I spin her around just as her legs give out. I catch her and drop to my knees, then hold her as tight as I can as she wails into my chest.
I have never heard such horrific howls of sadness come out from one person’s body.
That’s when I realize that there are two people crying.
We stay like this a long time. I’m not sure if I’m rocking her or if it’s the other way around, but we’re gently swaying, hanging on to one another for dear life.
Her sobs finally subside into barely audible whimpers.
When I can finally speak, the first thing I say is, “You were a child.”
I pause a moment to pull myself together. “You were a lonely, abandoned child, and he is a sick fuck who should be in prison. You were nothing more than an innocent child, in need of care and attention, fighting for your life. Innocent. Child.”
She raises her head from my chest and blinks. “But… wait, are you crying, Finn?”
I nod. “My sweet Emma, look at me when I tell you this.” I cradle her face in my hands and wait for her huge eyes to settle on mine.
“You have endured the absolute worst a human being can suffer through, and you’re still here.
You’ve been abandoned and preyed upon by monsters, and you’re still here.
But not only are you here, you’ve managed to stay good. Decent. Loving. You are a miracle.”
She shakes her head and tries to look away. “I’m damaged. And I’m a criminal.”
“No!” I’m about ready to jump out of my skin. I’m not even sure what I’m going to say to her next. I’m flailing. I have no plan. I have no fucking idea if what I say will help or hurt her. But all I can do is speak from my heart—whatever pieces of it are left anyway—so that’s what I do.
But first, I drop a soft kiss on her lips as my hands continue to gently cup her face.
Then I straighten and look her in the eye.
“I didn’t think it possible, Emma, but I love you even more than I did an hour ago.
The woman I see right now—the woman I love—is an angel.
A miracle. The absolute best thing that has ever happened to me. ”
She nods. I think she’s starting to believe me.
“I’m aware of how lucky I am—all I’ve ever known is love and safety. We all deserve it, and we’ll do whatever we must to get it and keep it. It’s what makes our hearts beat, our lungs expand for air.”
She sniffs.
“You’ve been starving for those things all your life, and I’m telling you, those days are over. You’re here now, with me and Jasmine and everyone else here at Yosemite Ranch, and you will never want for love and safety again. The only thing you may lack going forward is peace and quiet.”
She laughs. Emma just laughed!
I drop my palms from her face and reach for both her hands. These hands are precious to me, delicate but strong, soft but capable. I have no idea how I got so lucky.
“You, my beautiful Emma, are my angel. Not a victim or a criminal but a goddess.”
Her eyes are intense and focused on mine. She’s sizing me up. I will never fail her again.
“You don’t hate me, then?” Her voice is so soft I can barely hear her question.
“I love you.”
“You’ll be able to get past this? You’re not disgusted by me?”
“I’m already past it, and I’ll walk by your side through whatever hardship you face, whether it’s something from your past or something that comes in the future. All I have is desire, love, and gratitude for you. Now come here.”
I rise and reach for her, pulling her into my lap as I return to a chair.
She looks down on me, only forgiveness and love in her expression. She strokes the side of my face and lets her fingers trail down my neck. I close my eyes at the achingly perfect sensation of her touch.
“Now it’s my turn to tell you something, Emma.”
She smiles. “I don’t want to know about what it is your company does.”
That makes me laugh. “I couldn’t tell you even if you did.”
“I also don’t want to know all the things you did as a SEAL. Some, sure, but not all. Especially not the Somalia thing.”
“Again, no worries there.”
“But Finn, everything else—what you’re thinking or feeling or what you want or don’t want out of our life together—I’m here for it. Please share that with me.”
“I will.”
She places a tender kiss on my cheek. “I’m listening.”
I take a breath. “Phyllis slapped me upside the head the other day, telling me that you are my second chance. But I think she was wrong.”
A tiny crinkle appears between Emma’s eyes.
“You’re so much more than my second chance. You’re my other half. You’re the definition of what a soulmate should be. You’ve brought me back to life, Emma. Fucking hell, I’m tired of talking.”
In one swift movement, I sweep her up in my arms and carry her inside, upstairs, and to our bed. I pull her down on top of me and then crash my lips onto hers. She responds immediately, hot and silky in my hands, and that’s when I know that she’s still my Emma, and we’re going to be just fine.
And I’m going to absolutely destroy J.R. Perkins.