Chapter 23 #2
“Just because I don’t like kids doesn’t mean I can’t understand that you do,” he snapped.
“I think you both need things in your lives outside of the baby. It sounds like Kemp has his, and his things are preventing you from having yours. Instead of bending more to compensate for everything he’s trying to do, you need to help yourself.
Because as long as you’re the only one sacrificing for the relationship, it’s not going to be a healthy one. ”
I hadn’t thought of it like that, but last week’s missed Needles and Nightcaps came to mind. Once was one thing, but what if that started happening more often?
“It comes down to whether you can accept Kemp’s insistence on having two careers, right?”
“Right. And I do in theory. It’s just…harder than I thought.
Not just pulling more than my share on household stuff but…
seeing him so stressed out and overextended and then worrying about me on top of it.
He thanks me for all the things I’m doing, but I know it also puts more weight on him because he doesn’t want me to have to do more than my share. ”
My brother scoffed quietly. “Sounds like him. You two are a lovesick mess.”
“Tell me something I don’t know.”
We rode quietly for another few minutes. There wasn’t much else to say. There weren’t any easy solutions. I wasn’t sure there were any solutions other than live with my concerns, watch the man I loved work himself into the ground, and hope he figured out this wouldn’t work sooner rather than later.
When we reached the edge of the ranch property, we turned our horses around to head back along the same trail. I tried to lose myself in the comfort and grace of the animal beneath me once again, but sadness and helplessness consumed me.
“You’re living with Kemp for free?” Ryder asked, his voice startling me.
“Yes. The deal was I would live rent free and help him with Oliver on nights when he’s on call.”
“And now you’re in what’s supposed to be a romantic partnership, but your arrangement is more like employer-employee.”
“Everything’s different now.”
“It is, but nothing in the day-to-day arrangement has changed.”
“We’re a team.”
“But you’re a team with too much to handle. You’re trying to make up for him being overcommitted, but you can’t keep doing that long-term.”
“I have to,” I said, weary, sick of hashing out the same things.
“No, you don’t.”
I rolled my eyes, not that Ryder could see it in the dark from beside me.
My body felt heavy and hopeless. On the one hand, I had an urge to lean forward against Cricket’s strong neck, hold on to her like a giant teddy bear, and let the tears stream out of me.
On the other, that too sounded exhausting and made me long for numbness.
“You’ve got low expenses since you’re living rent-free, right?” Ryder asked.
I didn’t bother answering the obvious.
“So use some of your paycheck to hire help. Get someone to clean the house weekly. Sign up for one of those meal-prep services or hire a cook. Maybe even a nanny or a babysitter for evenings when you have plans and he’s on call.
Dole out as many of the boring domestic things as you can so, A, you can use any spare time to relax together, B, you can stop having everything fall on you, and C, Kemp doesn’t feel guilty that everything’s falling on you. ”
My first instinct was to shoot the suggestion down because I was perfectly capable of cooking, cleaning, and taking care of Oliver. But…what if that could free us up and take off some pressure?
I sat up a little straighter as I thought through it. Everyone called me a giver, but even I could see I might need to find ways to make it more equal. Because over-giving wasn’t working.
If I’d had a backup babysitter last week, I could’ve made it to Needles and Nightcaps, and Kemp could still handle his responsibilities.
If we had meals delivered and all we had to do was warm them up, that could save up to an hour each evening.
And the housecleaning? That would take so much off our plates.
I did have extra money now that I didn’t pay rent.
I could cover a lot of the extras since I wasn’t contributing to the household expenses beyond groceries.
And if we didn’t have to make a trip to the Country Market every week, that would help too.
Every little thing would help. Handing Oliver off to a nanny didn’t appeal.
Neither of us wanted someone else raising Kemp’s boy, but a little extra help once or twice a week in the evening could do a lot of good.
Maybe we’d be able to eventually take an evening to ourselves and go on a date. Because we’d never done that.
“You went quiet,” Ryder said as the edge of the meadow came into view in the distance, the moon lighting it up on the other side of the trees.
“Just thinking. Some of what you said makes sense.”
He was quiet for a few hoofbeats, then said, “Don’t have to act surprised about it.”
I almost smiled. “I’m not surprised. Just trying to wrap my head around everything.”
“Last thing you want is for it to end up like you and Mom. You gave and gave and tried to make that relationship work for decades, but you had to end it, which, hats off, sis. Proud of you. But you don’t want that to happen with Kemp.”
I’d filled my brother in via text on where I’d left things with our mom. His reaction had, not surprisingly, been a strongly positive one.
“If Kemp gets promoted to lieutenant, how will you feel?”
Now I did smile, imagining how relieved and ecstatic he’d be. “Proud of him. Happy for him.”
I felt my brother staring at me from the side, so I met his gaze in the near darkness. “What?”
He shrugged and looked forward again. “Some people would resent the hell out of that.”
“I want Kemp to be happy. I don’t know if he’ll ultimately be happy working two careers, but I think he’d be crushed if he didn’t get the promotion.”
“You’ve got a heart of gold, Anna.”
I narrowed my eyes, waiting for the but.
“And?” I prompted.
“And nothing. You’re probably too good for Essex, but you seem to want him. I hope you can make it work.”
I let out a halfhearted chuckle at the roundabout compliment. As we reached the meadow and Ryder and his horse pulled ahead, I muttered, “Me too.”
But for the first time in two days, or maybe more, I felt a glimmer of hope.