CHAPTER 26
Carrie
Why was it always so embarrassing to say that to someone?
It shouldn’t be. Yes, she was thirty years old and hadn’t been with a woman, but it had taken her time to realize that she was gay and even more time to tell the people in her life.
Then, this had popped up, and she’d taken advantage of the opportunity to attend, but last night hadn’t gone well.
She’d gotten an apology from Becky, and they had gotten to know each other a little, but Carrie wasn’t about to have sex with a woman for the first time when that woman was clearly interested in someone else.
Tonight, she’d gotten paired up with Debra, and Debra was nice, but…
Carrie hadn’t spent much time with her or talked with her at length before now, but she knew Debra wasn’t her type; not physically and not in other ways, it seemed, either.
Debra appeared to want to slow down. She wanted the cottage, the book, and the fire.
All of that would be amazing for someone else, Carrie had no doubt, but she wanted something else for herself, and while she sympathized with Debra’s situation, she wasn’t sure she wanted her first relationship with a woman to be one where she’d constantly compare herself to the love of Debra’s life.
Even if Debra didn’t do it herself, Carrie knew she would, and that wasn’t what she wanted right now.
“Everyone is different. Coming out isn’t easy. I lied to my family for a while and told them my girlfriend was my roommate,” Debra shared.
“It took me longer than some to figure it out. I wasn’t so much not out because I was worried about how people would take it.
That was a small part of it, yes, but only after I realized it myself, which was the larger part.
It’s just like everyone else, probably: thought about it, wasn’t sure, thought I was bi, maybe, dated guys, didn’t like it, kept doing it because I still didn’t realize it, realized it, and here we are now. ”
“I think every story is different, even if some of the big, overarching themes are the same. We’re all born. We all die. But what happens in between those two points is as unique as our DNA, right?”
Carrie smiled and replied, “I guess so. I just feel like a cliché most days.”
“You’re not. I don’t feel like I’m a cliché, even though I lost my wife, and so many other people lose their spouses.
I sit on my bench at the cemetery and talk to her like she’s sitting next to me and we’re talking about our days, but not everyone does that in the first place, and not everyone continues to do that five years after the loss. The differences continue from there.”
“You’re right,” she agreed with a nod.
“I don’t want to presume anything, but is it possible that you might not want to be anything more than friends?”
“Why would you ask that?”
“You’ve never been with a woman, Carrie. I am older than you, and I lost my wife. If I were in your shoes, I might be thinking that I don’t want that cottage vacation with the woman who spent the better part of our night talking about a woman she lost and not the woman she hopes to find.”
“I’ve enjoyed talking to you,” she replied. “You’re nice, Debra.”
“But I’m not the one for you, I don’t think. Truthfully, I don’t think I should be the first woman you’re with. Not that I’m saying you even wanted that; just that I’m not sure I’m up for it.”
“With anyone? Or me?”
“With you. If I met a woman who was just out and felt that she might be the one for me, sure. But while I think you are great, I’m not getting that feeling.”
“You mean the feeling that it’s supposed to be more?” Carrie guessed.
“Yes. Are you?” Debra asked.
Carrie shook her head no and said, “And I don’t think I want us to sleep together, but I wouldn’t mind doing the rest of the cards with you or just talking if you’re up for it.”
“I’d like that,” Debra said. “Maybe we should get some drinks or something from the bar for maximum fun effect.”
“Good idea,” Carrie agreed and laughed.