Chapter 44 Faye #2
“Stop lying to me, Grimwood!” I shouted, standing in his way as he stood from the sofa with pain inflicted upon his face.
“I feel it, I can’t explain it, but it keeps me awake at night, Jax, these deafening secrets that are kept between us.
Please, look at me!” My skin and fingertips were boiling in a wrath I couldn’t hide any longer.
“Dammit, Faye, we couldn’t just have one night of normalcy, could we? I’m not the only one with secrets, am I?” Jax winced as he eyed me down suspiciously. What the fuck did he know that I didn’t?
“What exactly are you getting at, Jax?” I asked him. Now I was getting angry.
“You picking this fight, when everything has been so good between us, what is this really about? You miss your lavish lifestyle? Is what I give you not enough!” I could sense his immediate regret as the words left his mouth.
Wow, the nerve of this man. “If you want a lavish lifestyle, by all means. But that’s not the life I want, it never has been!
” I was shocked at his outburst, but I could see the pain. He was wearing it all over his face.
“That’s not what this is at all about, Jaxon, how dare you!” I pointed my finger at his firm chest.
“Fuck, Faye, I’m never going to be good enough for you, am I?” Jax’s voice cracked.
A lump formed in my throat, the burn moving to my nasal passages. “That’s not fair, I deserve the truth before we start a life together.” His words shattered me to a million sharp pieces.
“So you’re saying you don’t think that’s possible with me if I don’t tell you these stupid fucking secrets that aren’t even mine to hold?
” he rebutted. My confusion was building with his statement.
Jax stood from the sofa. “You know what’s not fair, me breaking my back to be there for you this past year, for you to sit here and tell me what I’m giving you isn’t enough. ” Jax paced through the living room.
“Jax,I—” I was attempting to deescalate the situation.
“This is who I am, Faye. I come from a family line of Nordic farmers and you know what? I love it, I love what I do. It makes me happy, it gives me purpose!” His words were stern and hard like cement smacking me in my face, leaving its indent.
I stood there in silence, not knowing what to say. “You’ve twisted everything!” I shouted back at him, angry tears wanting to surface.
“I may not be able to give you a million-dollar home, but I would break my back for you and Birdie, I’m sorry that it’s not good enough for you,” he barked at me, a misplaced pain in his eyes.
How did we go from me swallowing his come just ten minutes ago, to this?
“I didn’t realize wanting the truth was such a problem, Jax, what is it that you’re hiding, what is it that you’re so afraid of?
All you do is think about yourself! It’s not about just us anymore, it’s about Birdie!
If I have to sit here and explain that to you, then maybe this was a mistake.
” My voice cracked with each word. I grabbed my purse and put on my boots.
“There she goes, running again. Go ahead, it’s what you always do!” Jax shouted after me.
“Oh, fuck you, Jax!” I croaked.
“You’ve already done that, Faye, literally and figuratively. It’s always fuck me, isn’t it? Who cares about Jaxon. Surely not you!” Jaxon plopped himself back on his sofa, cracking open a soda.
“You are such a fucking child!” I screamed, his windows bursting and shattering on his kitchen floor. A silence too loud for even the both of us. Jax looked at the shards of glass, and then back to me, as if not surprised. Jaxon smirked, gazing at the shattered window. Not a flinch, nothing.
“I’m not the one running, Faye,” he whispered under his breath, refusing to look at me, terrified somehow he would find me out. I made my way to the front door, infuriated with this man.
“You’re scared, Faye, because you’re finally happy, but this…” He pointed to his head and then his chest. “These two are at battle, constantly. You don’t trust me, Faye, and I need you to trust me. Trust me when I tell you, I’m giving you what I can right now.” His tone was broken and soft.
“It’s not enough anymore, Jaxon. How can you sit here and ask me to trust you when you’re keeping things from me?” I questioned, standing by the front door.
“Gods dammit, Faye, because I am trying to protect you, don’t you fucking see that? Don’t you see I would never hurt you?” Jax pleaded with me with his somber, begging eyes.
“Loving someone who keeps things from you hurts.” My words were thrown out like poisoned daggers, my admission taking Jax by surprise as I slipped out the front door.
I hoped giving Jax and I some space would ease the tension between us, but I had ignored him now for five days straight, which is something I’d only done once.
And I hated ignoring him, but I needed time to think.
I was half way through my shift and hoped he’d make an appearance at least once this week, but nope.
He was evidently really mad at me and I couldn’t help but think maybe I deserved it?
I could see how badly it hurt him when I left, after he told me to stay.
I needed truth if he wanted trust. I couldn’t find the words to tell him I really wanted to know everything, because I was keeping the truth from him, too.
Weird shit was happening and I had no way to explain this to him, not without sounding like one of the older townspeople who talked about the urban legends all damn day over briskets and tea at the Stone Plaza.
We had been back together for months and he still hadn’t told me he loved me.
Even though I knew he did. Even though I felt it every time he kissed me.
Held me. Made love to me. So why couldn’t he say it?
Was he having second thoughts? Did he think this was a mistake?
Was this a mistake? Maybe it was. Maybe we were fools to try this again.
We weren’t kids anymore and life was so much more different than it had been back then.
Things were easier then. It was so much more simple.
It seemed like no matter how hard we tried, we could never get it right.
I watched the Minx girls dance on the bar and decided instead of sulking in my misery, I’d get my body moving and my mind off Jax.
Plus, I could use the tips. I had left over legal fees after the divorce was finally finalized.
At least I had one thing going right for me.
Though this was not how I imagined celebrating.
I imagined Jax and I together with Birdie in perfect harmony, not in complete shambles.
This all felt too similar, the way it did the very first time Jax and I broke up, not speaking to each other for years.
The memory was unsettling and triggering.