38. Roxy
Roxy
The bus is almost empty. I’ve been on it for hours, watching people get on and off, getting further and further from the club and the entire city that holds everything I love and everything I hate.
My phone trills in my hand again, Maddy’s name lighting up the screen. My fingers ache to answer it. To hear her voice and explain everything. But I can’t.
One word from Maddy, and I’ll break. I’m barely hanging on as it is.
Huddled in the corner of the seat, I watch a drop of rain drizzle down the glass until it disappears.
The phone stops before immediately ringing again.
Her face appears on the screen. That damn smile with those brown eyes.
The Long Island iced tea, in the hand of my first friend.
I whimper and an old woman sitting two seats ahead of me glances over her shoulder.
I turn towards the window before she can see the tears running down my cheeks.
Fuck. I hope Maddy’s okay.
By now, the twins would have seen my note. My brothers would have used the door. I just hope the Devils were prepared. They are strong; I know that. Stronger than I ever could be.
My imagination runs wild. Of guns, and knives, and pain, curdling gut-wrenching fear in my stomach. Outside, darkness swallows everything. Streetlights blur as we roll through the next city, carrying me farther away from Havenport Harbour.
My forehead falls against the cold glass, just as the bus rolls to a stop.
“Last stop!” the driver calls out.
Slowly, I stand, with only a bat, my phone, and enough cash for a meal or a room. Not both.
Just as I step off, rain bites into my skin. My phone rings again. She’s worried about me. Little does she know, I should be the last person she should worry about.
I betrayed them.
And ran.
With my tail tucked between my legs.
With a strangled cry I throw the phone on the ground, screaming as I stomp my boot over it. The glass crunches under my boot, and finally, the ringing stops. The older lady from the bus looks at me like I’m insane and darts off into the night.
So I’m scaring old ladies now. A new low.
I trudge in the rain, empty, mindless, alone, darkness the least of my problems. Nothing can hurt me now. Not more than I’ve hurt myself.
If I die, so be it. Bring it the fuck on.
Who knows what is happening to the Devils right now… Finally, I make it to a depressing motel. The red flickering VACANCY sign reminds me of Devil’s club. The place I was once so afraid of.
I pay the money and find my room, pushing open the door with the end of the baseball bat.
The room looks like it’s one blue light away from disintegrating.
Pink wallpaper peels and bubbles, and it’s got a smell I can’t quite put my finger on.
Scrunching up my nose, I fall onto the hard bed, drawing my knees to my chest.
The silence is fucking deafening.
Without Kai hovering around me and Kaleb appearing out of nowhere, I feel more alone than I ever have been. The feeling settles around me, consumes me. Presses down on me until I can’t breathe.
I’ve always wanted freedom. Now I have it.
And all I want to do is go back.
A sob breaks free; my arms barely holding myself together.
Burying my face between my knees, I let myself fall apart.
Alone. No Maddy to wrap her arms around me and tell me how great I am.
No Kai to wipe my tears away and fix all of my problems. No Kaleb to tie me down and take away all of my thoughts until there is nothing but us.
Just me.
Alone with all my horrible sins. My scary thoughts.
My shoulders shake as I weep. Images infiltrate my mind behind my closed eyes. Of the people that I fucking love. Of the door that I left unlocked. Of a door left unlocked. Of their pain.
How tiny the sound was, of that door shutting, for something that might be destroying people’s lives.
I had no choice.
Even as I think that, I know it’s not true. I could have stopped. Could have locked that fucking door and ran straight to the twins and told them everything..
Instead, I did exactly what Isaac and Ethan have always taught me to do. Obey them.
My stomach rolls and I scramble from the bed. I fall to my knees on the grimy floor just in time for me to empty the contents of my stomach into the yellowing toilet bowl.
Nothing comes up but bile and spit. My stomach is empty, but my body tries anyway.
Tears spill from my eyes and spit slips past my lips as I heave and sob into the toilet. Falling apart on the rusty, mouldy bathroom in this dilapidated motel.
I’ve made a mistake. The thought makes me heave into the toilet again.
A huge fucking mistake.
My stomach contracts until it aches, but there is nothing left to give. I fall against the tiles, curling into a ball and hugging my knees to my chest. The cold seeps through my jumper. My tears dry up.
Numbness soaks in.
Time passes. Nothing feels right. The unknown of what is happening to them has every worst possible scenario playing out in my mind. If Kai and Kaleb are hurt... If they are dead... I may as well be too.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper, though no one can hear.
My voice sounds pathetic in the tiny bathroom. The’ll never forgive me. I’ll never forgive myself.
I meant what I said in my note. I love them. So fucking much.
Pressing my palms against my eyes until red flashes behind them, I scream. It doesn’t stop me from seeing their faces. Their hands. Their scars.
The way they looked at me as if they might love me back. Like they might keep me. Like I’m something worth protecting.
They are okay, I tell myself.
Because they have to be.
The Devils have been preparing for moments like this. My brothers couldn’t possibly best them. Could they?
Maybe Kai and Kaleb have already killed them. Maybe they are already celebrating in the club, cheering about their victory. The thought makes my heart beat a stupid, hopeful thing.
But even I know that’s a reach. How could they prepare for someone to betray them so badly? They wouldn’t have been prepared for whatever my brothers had planned.
No more tears come. I have nothing more to give. Numbly, I peel myself off the ground. The mirror taunts me with a reflection of myself I no longer recognise. Dark circles under my eyes and an exhaustion painting my features so stark it reminds me of something.
Of a girl I used to know. One who was so brutally tormented by her brothers and their friends. One whose body no longer belonged to her. A girl who dreamed of a different life and foolishly believed she had a shot at getting it.
And fuck, did she get it.
Before she threw it all away for her brothers, who never once protected her.
In those few weeks, Kai and Kaleb did more for me than anyone ever has.
They showed me I didn’t have to do it all on my own.
Fixed my studio and paid the bills I could barely keep up with.
They took my pain and turned it into something beautiful. Something only they could do.
Taught me how to protect myself. Put the power and choices in my hands, while standing on either side of me the entire time.
They saw every ugly and fucked up part of me and matched it with their own.
The parts I’ve tried so hard to hide, they saw.
And they didn’t look away, like everyone else would.
My gaze finds my reflection again. Staring at the same girl in the eyes. And then it shifts. To the bat, leaning against the motel bed, behind me. The stained wood. My eyes linger on it.
Kitty. My friend, who’s killed two nightmares.
No. I killed them. And when Kaleb slid her into my hands and whispered instructions on how to kill one of them, he gave me a choice. A way to fight back.
My eyes lift back to my reflection. The girl who’s spent so long running. The girl, waiting for someone to save her.
Kai and Kaleb didn’t save me. They taught me how to save myself.
“No,” I whisper.
Sliding my hands through my hair, I tug the messy strands before wrapping it into a high ponytail. I can’t undo what I did. Fuck, it’s probably already too late. That door is open. It’s too fucking late to go back and turn the lock back.
My choices have always been someone else’s. Even when I escaped my brothers. Everything I did was to avoid them. To hide. To escape.
Not anymore.
Maybe it’s about fucking time I made one for myself.
I give myself one more second. One more second of the all-consuming guilt and fear. All the horrible things I feel looking back at me.
It might be too late. I have no fucking clue what I’m doing and where I’m going. No clue if I can even help at all. I’ll most likely die trying to cross my brothers. But whatever waits for me there, I can face it.
What I can’t do is stay here. I can’t wake up in the morning in this shitty motel and wonder whether Kai and Kaleb are alive. I can’t spend the rest of my life wondering whether Maddy’s name lighting up my phone over and over again was her trying to tell me that something had happened to them.
Kitty waits for me. My fingers curl around the handle, lifting her against my shoulder.
I didn’t deserve Kaleb’s beautiful knife, but fuck, do I wish I had it now. Having that piece of him with me would be the strength that I need.
My throat aches, but I refuse to cry again. I’ve done enough fucking crying. Crying hasn’t fixed anything, and neither has hiding.
I already know where I need to go. The thought is drumming in tune with my heart. The freezer.
I haven’t been there in years. I’ve pushed the place out of my mind, since the one time Jacob dragged me there. But I can remember the fucking scent and feel of the grimy walls like it was yesterday.
If they were successful in getting into the Devil’s club, that’s where they’d go.
My stomach twists at the thought of Kai and Kaleb being there now.
My fingers tighten around the bat, all my fear and guilt being eaten up by red, hot rage.
“Time to find another victim, Kitty cat,” I purr to the bat.