Chapter 40
Chapter Forty
King
Abreeze kicks up dust in the distance. The lot lights catch the tiny particles as they spin into the air. The night is comfortably warm, and as I stuff my hands into the pockets of shorts made out of jogger material, I wonder why I went so long without wearing comfortable clothes.
I went so long without so many things.
The RV door creaks open behind me, and Josie comes down the steps. She rubs her arms and stands beside me. Everyone else retreated to their cabins hours ago, likely long asleep by now. Only Josie and I can’t seem to find rest.
“What are we looking at?” she whispers.
“I’m just getting some air.” I pull her in front of me. My arms drape her shoulders, and I dip my nose against her hair to smell that tea-tree scent. “My favorite smell.”
“I’m your favorite flavor, your favorite smell—you might as well admit it, King. You’re in love with me.”
The world spins for a beat, and then it feels like it stops.
“I am.”
Two words tumble out of me without hesitation. I don’t want to fight it anymore. In a few days, I’ll likely be dead, and I want to tell her at least once that I love her.
“I know you are,” she whispers. “I’m in love with you too.”
“I know you are.”
I kiss the crown of her head and keep my lips there as I indulge a little more. The night quiet seems so loud as silence pulls us closer.
“So does that mean I won the bet?” she asks.
“Absolutely not.” I close my eyes. “I don’t even remember what we wagered. Let’s say we both won and call it a draw.”
“You really can’t stand to lose, can you?”
“I cannot.”
She takes a step away from me, but her hand catches mine. She pulls me toward the RV door, and I follow her. I’ll follow her anywhere tonight. To the ends of the earth, preferably. Far from what waits on the horizon behind us.
I help her inside. She strolls to the back and sits on the mattress, patting the space beside her.
I take a seat and pull off my shoes, then flop back.
She snuggles up to my side and drapes her leg over my lap.
Her head rests on my chest. When her hand splays over my stomach, warmth unfurls behind my ribs. I want more nights like this.
“Do you still want to know why I haven’t kissed you?” she asks.
I stroke her arm and hope she can’t hear the way my heart kicks up its pace. “If you’d like to tell me.”
“I think I’m ready.”
She explains everything to me, even telling me how she ran it by the girls first because she was so worried it was silly.
Now I’ve never felt like a bigger heel in my life.
There I was, forcing her into corners and dangling my lips in front of her as she fought to hang on to the one thing that hadn’t been stolen from her.
It isn’t silly at all, and I only wish I hadn’t been a cad.
“I’m so sorry for the way I behaved. I was a brute. A fool.” I hug her closer. “Had I known—”
“But you didn’t know, and I was too afraid to tell you. I thought you’d think it was stupid.”
“The furthest from it.”
“I just have to be sure before I share that with someone. I have to know it’s forever.”
“Are you sure now?”
She doesn’t answer. How could she? She needs forever, and I may only have four days.
“That was selfish of me. I apologize. I can’t expect you to give that to me when things may not end well for us.”
Her hand moves to my chest, and she looks up at me. “Without sounding like a desperate, needy bitch, I have to ask. If you weren’t dying at the end of this, would it have to end?”
I chuckle, and the movement bounces her precious, big head. “You’ve successfully ensnared me, my beauty. The strings have been strung, and I’m tied up tight. If I had it my way, this wouldn’t stop at the end of this trip. We’d have many more nights of annoying each other.”
“Then let’s just focus on bringing Aven and Bennett around to our way of thinking.” She relaxes against my chest again. “There’ll be time for working through our idiosyncrasies if we can just find a way to help them heal.”
I thought I’d gotten closer to both of them, but our closeness doesn’t seem to mend the wounds the way it did for Frankie and Ezra.
There is a palpable disconnect, and they hoard their hatred for me as their father while also drawing closer to me as their father figure.
One doesn’t disperse the other, however.
Josie yawns. “Which kid was the control group?”
“What’s that?”
“For the experiment. Which one of the Carter kids was the control? Every good experiment needs a control group.”
“I’ve never considered that. I suppose we didn’t have one.”
“Not a very good experiment, then.”
No, it wasn’t. The Carter siblings were the only good that came out of it.
“Oh, wait,” I say. “Jim’s son would be the control, I suppose.”
Josie’s head rears back a bit. “Jim has a son?”
“Yes, Jeff, but he stays quite busy. He hardly ever sees his father. In fact, I’m not sure we’ve seen much of him in several retreats. Sometimes, I forget he exists.”
“You forget your own nephew?”
“I never knew him as a child. I didn’t know he was a thing until Jim introduced us when he was already a young adult.
You have to understand that while we’re very close now, we weren’t always.
When we were young men, he was more about science and experimentation, and I was more about murder and . . .”
“Pussy. You can say it.”
“I wasn’t afraid to. I was just trying to find something more eloquent, but yes. That, you crass little thing.” I hike her leg higher on my waist and pop her ass. Hard.
She lets out a little moan and grinds herself against my hip.
“Stop distracting me. I was explaining that when it came to our personal lives—our relationships and work lives—we were complete strangers. But if murders were involved, Jim was interested. In the watching more than the killing, but sometimes the killing. He’s an odd one like that.”
“Then this experiment brought you closer?”
I shake my head. “The experiment didn’t. The realization that we’d squandered something precious did. Jim was first afflicted with the bug, and I followed soon after.”
She’s quiet for a moment, then whispers, “Do you regret the experiment?”
My eyes slide shut, and I swallow. “If I had it to do over again, I would begin the same, minus the memory rewrites, but I’d change one thing for the children. In every moment where they needed me, I would have been there.”
“You should tell them that.”
I will. If given the chance, I’ll let them know how much I regret the time I’ve missed.
This final trip was a way to give back some of what I stole. But in some selfish ways, this final trip was a way for me to get those experiences too. I wanted them just as badly, but they’d already long passed me by once I realized it.
Josie starts to snore against my chest, and I’m just dozing off when I hear a gentle knock on the RV door. I ease out from under her and pad to the front of the RV to see who’s calling at this late hour. When I peer into the darkness, I see Cat.
I step outside and ease the door shut behind me. “Is something the matter? Has Bennett wedged his manhood inside another food item and gotten himself truly stuck this time?”
“No, he’s fine. I just wanted to thank you for the soap-box race.”
“It was a good win, wasn’t it?” I push my hands into my pockets and lean against the RV.
“I don’t mean the win. I mean the way you helped Bennett.” She looks down at her feet. “That night was the first night he didn’t cry since his mom died.”
I’ve never been happier to hear something so damn depressing. Perhaps I’m not so far off from supporting my son in the ways he needs.
I consider taking a risk and telling Cat everything. Instead, I pat her shoulder and thank her for letting me know. No sense burdening the poor girl when she likely can’t change his mind either. I send her off to bed and climb back into my camper.
Josie is right by the door.
“That’s promising,” she whispers.
“Do you ever turn off those satellites you call ears?” I grab her hand and lead her back to the bed, where we resume our positions.
But it is promising, and as I hold Josie and consider how close I am to repairing the damage I’ve caused to the people I care most about, I can’t tamp down the bit of hope still rising in my weary soul.