Chapter 24 #2
The air fully exhales out of my lungs then.
I’m not sure what I expected from him, but I realize an apology wasn’t it.
Even after the way he reacted, I don’t know that I thought he would apologize.
And really, why should he? At least to me.
While I’m angry with him, I’m angry at the way he treated Liam, even if I am nursing a broken heart thanks to the latter.
If it hadn’t been for Nate’s lashing, I don’t think Liam would have done what he did.
Nate doesn’t owe me an apology—I wronged him through and through—he owes one to Liam.
“Christ. Thank God,” he mutters.
The corner of my lip twitches but I can’t bring myself to smile. “It’s not me you should be apologizing to. As hurt as I am because of him, you were a real ass to Liam, and he didn’t deserve it.”
He nods and pushes his hand through his brown hair. “Yeah, I know.”
My eyes prick with tears, and I tighten my hold on the blanket, pulling it taught as I look down.
The fabric probably looks stretched to the max at this point.
I’m not only using it to shield myself from Nate, but to keep myself together through this conversation.
The one person I would normally run to and talk things out with, is the one person who I need to talk about.
I’m not sure if the ache in my chest right now is because I love him or hate him.
“I had to talk to you before I could talk to him,” Nate says, pulling me from my thoughts. A good thing considering where they were headed. “Do you really love him?”
I push back against the lump growing in my throat, pressing myself into the couch in hopes it will swallow me whole before I have to think about these things.
Unfortunately, it does no such thing. I don’t want to think about that question, let alone give voice to an answer that will make my heart crack wide open again.
I haven’t cried in a few hours. Nate threatens to destroy all my progress.
He waits me out, scrutinizing me from his spot. His patience is maddening. He can sit and wait for an answer for ages, not saying a word as you process. It probably makes him effective at his job, but as his sister it’s annoying.
Finally I nod, the picture I was just looking at seared into my mind, and a tear slips down my cheek. I reach up and brush it away with the blanket.
“Actually love him or is it just the…” He clears his throat and shifts uncomfortably. “Is it lust?”
Goddamn it. Another tear slips down the opposite cheek.
My voice is quiet when I answer because I don’t trust it not to crack and break.
“I love him like Savanna loves you, Nate. I’ve been falling in love with him for months and I had no idea.
” My brother becomes blurry as more moisture spills silently down my face.
“It was supposed to end in Vegas. We were supposed to go our separate ways, and that was supposed to be the end of it. We never meant to hurt you, but we couldn’t stay away from each other. ”
“Does he love you?” Nate asks with a gentle but firm tone.
I inhale sharply, turning my head to look out the window across the room.
I felt certain that he did, the picture tells me he did.
All week I’ve been convinced of it, going through my memory of all the little moments.
The looks he’d give me, the way he’d hold me, or touch me.
But now that Nate is asking me out loud? I’m hesitant to say yes.
“I don’t know,” I answer with a heaviness I feel deep in my soul. “I thought so, but maybe it was just hope.”
“He’s a mess,” Nate confides, leaning forward in the chair to rest his elbows on his knees again. His eyes are dark and gloomy as they meet mine. “I’ve never seen him like this.”
“Quinn mentioned he wasn’t well.”
“’Bout as good as you judging by those nachos,” Nate responds, nodding at the abandoned plate next to me.
“Has he been in the bar drinking every night, looking for a new girl to hook up with?” I ask before I can think better of it.
The question has plagued me for days, and I really don’t know if I want the answer to it.
I haven’t been to the bar since before Nate and Savanna got home, sluffing off every responsibility when it comes to it.
“He hasn’t set foot inside since I’ve been back.” Nate’s hand is back in his hair. “Besides what we’ve had to say to each other at work, we haven’t talked. I told you—I had to talk to you first.”
Chewing on my bottom lip, I release my hold on the blanket, letting it relax around me.
A weight as heavy as the world lifts from my shoulders hearing that.
Not that Liam would be foolish enough to go to the bar that I half own, where Nate, Savanna, or myself might be at any given time, and try to pick up a woman.
He’d be smarter than that and go somewhere else. I hope.
“Do you want him back?”
My stomach swirls with unease, dreams, desires, and fears. That’s a loaded question that comes with too many feelings. Feelings I’ve been trying to avoid while simultaneously being confronted with, every second of every day, since I walked away from him.
“Thinking about that makes too much hope swell inside of me when I have no idea what he’s thinking or feeling,” I whisper to my brother, twisting the ends of the blanket together as I pull it taut around me again.
It brings a false sense of security to my aching heart.
“He doesn’t think he’s any good at this.
He doesn’t believe in himself. Which is irritating beyond belief because he’s the most confident man I’ve ever met in my life. ”
“I tore a pretty good strip off him,” Nate comments with a sigh.
The sound of defeat from my brother causes me to glance at him. Despite his bowed head, I can see the furrow between his brow and the wrinkles in his forehead. He knows he screwed up, and he regrets it. Just like I know I screwed up with him and regret it.
“You know this isn’t high school, right? Liam is not Anthony.” Anthony. The one who would have done God knows what if Nate hadn’t burst through my door.
His head snaps up, and I can see his nostrils flare, the muscles of his jaw grinding together. We don’t ever talk about it. I don’t think I’ve mentioned Anthony’s name since the party all those years ago. But it seems like now is as good a time to talk about it as any, even if Nate doesn’t like it.
“I’m not a freshman anymore, Nate. I’m an adult.
A grown woman. And while I definitely need you at my back, knowing I’m safe and taken care of no matter what, I can also take care of myself.
” I’m soft with my words, gentle but firm, ensuring that he knows I’m good, but there are times I still need him.
Nate is the kind of guy that needs to be needed.
If he weren’t helping someone, in some manner, I don’t think he’d know what to do with himself.
“I know.” Another sigh as he ruffles his hair with a hand. “But Christ, Jor, when I saw the two of you, I’d be lying if I told you I wasn’t transported right back to that day when I… when you… when he…”