Chapter 1 Cocoa and Heartfelt Confessions #2
After we string the lights, Kara sends us into the kitchen to "make cocoa" as an excuse for us to talk privately while the little ones "help her" finish decorating the tree.
I text an order to the kitchen for cocoa and include the guard on the entrance to our wing in the text thread so he expects it.
"That's your idea of making cocoa?" Fitz asks with preteen sarcasm.
I lift my brows. "Aye. You have something to say about that?"
"No, da. Not at all." Fitz tries to hide his smirk.
I roll my eyes. "I'm not your mam. I'm more like to scorch the milk than anything."
"There are packets. You only add hot water."
"I like it made from scratch better." More to the point, so does Kara.
Fitz rolls his eyes. "As long as you're not the one making it."
"Aye. A smart man learns to use his skills and let others use theirs." I lean against the counter.
"I'll remember that." There's no sarcasm in my son's tone now.
I nod. "You'll be glad you did."
Fitz looks around the kitchen, his gaze landing everywhere but on me.
When he finally lets our eyes meet, I know he's ready to talk. "Uncle Adam had his hand up the lady's skirt and he was kissing her like you do mom sometimes."
A lot more than sometimes, but if I'm right about the kind of kissing he's referring to, we save it mostly for our time alone. Not because I think our chisselers shouldn't be exposed to passion between their parents, but because with them around that kissing can't lead anywhere.
And as good as it feels, it's an exercise in frustration.
"You sure it wasn't your aunt?" I ask.
Fitz shakes his head. "She was still at the table when I got back."
"Not all people believe that their vows of fidelity are binding." I don't say men, because there are plenty of women who are the same.
The woman my brother had been kissing being one of them.
"You do though, right?" Fitz asks. "You'd never kiss another lady like that."
"Nah. I wouldn't. I keep my promises. You know that." I've taught Fitz to do the same.
He knows that breaking a promise isn't just letting someone down, but it's breaking faith with me too. Kara is more understanding about it, but I'm training my son to take over the Shaughnessy Mob one day and to be my underboss before that.
I expect more of our boyo and he delivers.
"But you love mom, right?"
Where is this coming from? "I do. You've heard me say it." Many times. "You know I don't lie to her. Ever."
Fitz's shoulders relax and he smiles. "I knew that, but the kids at school say stuff."
"Like what?" And who thinks they can talk shite about my feelings for Kara?
Those kids aren't getting their ideas outta their asses. They're hearing stuff at home and repeating it to my son.
"That you only married mom so you could be the boss someday." He looks at me like he wants me to deny it.
This conversation isn’t about what my son saw in Dublin. Although I’ll be having words with my brother about allowing my son to see something he shouldn’t.
Other parents would be more worried about violence, but that is part of our life. Compromising our honor isn’t.
"When I married your mam, your great uncle was still alive. He was supposed to take over from your grandfather." At that time, Fergal Shaughnessy was still the boss and hoping his oldest son would remarry and provide him with an heir.
The deal with me to give him a grandson was a backup plan in case that didn't happen. I got Kara and a captaincy out of it.
Fitz slouches, his shoulders hunching. "But my last name is Shaughnessy."
"Aye."
The addendum to the contract for me to become boss came later, after Derry and Fergal died so close together (one murdered by a cult leader and the other killed by me).
I allowed my son to carry the Shaughnessy surname and in exchange Fitz was named Brogan's official heir, with the caveat that I will take over as boss when my father-in-law retires.
"Your name is also Fitzgerald," I remind him.
"But my brother and sisters all have Fitzgerald as their last name."
"And they have Shaughnessy as their middle names. You are mo mhac whether you are a Shaughnessy, or a Fitzgerald and you are both."
"I know that da, but the other kids say that you had to let me be named Shaughnessy so you could become boss after grandda."
That feckin' contract is still causing trouble and that addendum isn't the secret that Kara having to use IVF to guarantee a boy child the first time around is. "It's important to your grandda that the Shaughnessy name lives into the next generation."
"There are plenty of Shaughnessys. One of them is an eighth grader at my school." Fitz crosses his arms, pulling in on himself further.
"He'll not be a direct descendant of your grandda's."
"But we're related." And if I'm reading my son right, he's not thrilled about that.
"Is he the one saying stuff about why I married your mam?" Little bastard.
Fitz looks up again, eyes the same green as mine burning with anger. "Yes."
"Contract marriages are common among the children of syndicate leaders." Both inside and outside the mob.
My son knows this. One day, Fitz will probably have an alliance marriage too.
"I know." Fitz gives me an earnest look. "But you love mom, right?"
"Aye. More than me own life. She is the heart beating in my chest, mo mhac. The only people as important to me are you, your brother and your sisters."
"I remember when I was little…" He pauses and grimaces. "I used to think mom wasn't as important to you as me."
"You know differently now though."
He nods but his green gaze so like my own is still troubled. "Kenny Jr. says that it's not fair for you to become boss. He thinks his da should take over from grandda because he has Shaughnessy blood."
So that's who has been speaking out of turn at home. The boy's father, Kenneth Shaughnessy Sr., is Brogan's second cousin and a lieutenant on his crew.
Brogan promoted him because he's family and he trusts him, but the two men who turned out to be rats several years ago were on Kenneth's team. He took the punishment for that like a leader should though.
But to question my right to lead is to question my son's right to be boss one day. And I will not let that stand.
"What do you think?" I ask Fitz.
"No one could be as strong of a boss as you, da," my son replies fiercely.
"Aye. And do you know why?"
"Because you're disciplined and not afraid to do what needs doing?" Fitz asks, like my question is part of his training.
But I shake my head. "Na. It's because I would burn down New York to keep your mam and you chisselers safe."
And I'll kill anyone who tries to get in the way of my doing that.
"We're more important to you than the rest of the mob." Fitz stands straighter. "We're the family that counts."
"Aye. Before I met your mam, I protected my family and mob out of duty. But love is a fierce emotion boyo, and it'll drive a man harder than duty ever could." Something I only learned after Kara threatened to divorce me.
Not that my chisselers will ever know about that either.
"I don't like Kenny Jr. even though he's family," Fitz admits.
"Nothing says you have to like family."
"That's not what grandda says."
"You know your grandda and I don't agree on everything."
Fitz nods. "I love grandda, but I'm glad you're not like him. Uncle Brice says you're more ruthless. Is that because you don't feel emotions like other people?"
"Aye." Brogan can be plenty ruthless, but my father-in-law is hindered by feelings I don't have for anyone but my wife and children.
I won't feel a moment of guilt or regret if I have to kill Kenneth Sr. that's for feckin' sure.
"Kenny Jr. says you don't feel emotions at all, but that's not true." Fitz watches me, waiting for my response.
We're back to this then. "Nah. It's not true. You just said you love your grandda. Is it true?"
Fitz nods earnestly.
"I don't, but I'm loyal to him." As long as he remains loyal to me. My son will never know how close I came to killing his beloved grandda. "But the only people I love—"
"Are me, my sibs and mom," my son says, interrupting me.
"That's right."
"Does it bother you not to love other people?" Fitz asks with curiosity but no condemnation in his voice.
"Nah. Does it bother you that I don't?" I ask to be sure.