Chapter 14
Evan
She won’t wait for you forever,
There’s no way she ever could.
Time changes by the day and life,
Brings both the bad and good.
It creeps into who you are,
Deep down in your soul.
The person that you left behind,
Will never again be whole.
I t’s fitting it would snow today. I shudder as I watch men dig the hole my father will be laid in tomorrow. The ground’s hard and stubborn. Like my father, in a way.
The frigid air isn’t doing a damn thing to aid me in keeping my composure.
All day, all I could think is that it was James who somehow found a way to kill my pops. Mason’s the only reason I didn’t go back to his office and kill him. Even if he wasn’t there, there’s no place he could run.
I’m paranoid. I’m desperate. I’m fucking lonely.
I want my wife. I need her. A weak man would go to her and she’d be made a target. Mason assured me she’s safe, and this would only help reinforce to James that Kat and I aren’t together anymore and she shouldn’t be on his radar in the least.
The snow crunches to my right and I turn toward the small parking lot. Mason’s early. I didn’t even hear him come up behind me until now.
“Thanks for coming, man,” I greet him and take his outstretched hand.
“I’m so sorry,” Mason tells me as he looks behind me to the gravesite. He found Kat downstairs and I’m still devastated that I wasn’t there for her like he was able to be.
Every piece of me is begging to go to her. She can make me feel better—not right, but better.
“You hear anything from your guy?” I ask Mason as I turn from the two men digging my father’s grave.
I’m desperate for someone to blame this on.
It’s hard to grasp it’s real, let alone just a random occurrence.
I’ll fucking lose it if he says yes, but that’s what I’m praying for.
I’m already on edge. Anger is so much easier to handle than despair.
If this was because of me, I’ll never forgive myself.
My heart clenches as Mason stares back at me.
“It was natural causes,” he says lowly with more sorrow than I anticipated. I have to turn from him and face the nearly empty parking lot as the wind whips at my face.
I bite back the need to cry and simply nod my head.
Just a blood clot. Just bad luck. There’s no one to blame or kill.
That’s what hurts the most.
“I’m sorry,” Mason says, offering his condolences again. He gives me the space I need as I walk off a few feet closer to the empty plot and I’m grateful for it.
“Your girl,” Mason starts and then clears his throat. “You’ve got to do something for her.” His voice is weak like he’s begging me.
“You’re the one who said I can’t,” I remind him as I turn back to face him. He told me not to. To not even think about texting her back. James is tracking my phone, just like we’re tracking his. He’ll know the moment I message her.
“When I asked about her being followed, you said it wasn’t your guy,” I add.
“This is different,” Mason says like it wasn’t devastating that someone could’ve been watching her. If they’re watching her, they could be setting her up. If she really felt eyes on her, that is. There’s not a hint of activity at our place and we haven’t seen anything ourselves.
“She’s not doing too well.” My blood turns to ice as I wait for him to spit it out. Not her. I swallow thickly.
“This morning she said, ‘everyone in her life dies,’” Mason tells me with a deep crease in his forehead. “She needs someone.”
“You’re the one who said she has to believe it too. That we’re over with.”
“I know, I know,” Mason says.
“So, which is it?” I practically scream, the words ripping their way up my throat. Light-headed, freezing and desperate for this all to be over, my world spins around me, too fast for me to keep a level head.
“I’m sorry, I just … it’s rough seeing her like this.” I can’t stand it. This is torture. Maybe it’s the punishment I deserve but it’s as if I’m dying from a thousand tiny cuts, and I can’t stop a single one.
With a chill hammering into my bones, I finally face Mason.
My voice is ragged when I ask, “Do I go to her, or not?” If it was up to me, I would.
I would hold on to her and lie in bed, denying everything and hiding away with the woman I love.
All I can imagine, though, is that the door would be kicked in at some point.
He’d come for me, and she’d be right there.
Mason’s expression falls and he runs a hand down his face before taking a half step closer. “My mistake, man, I’m sorry. Jules is there. She’s not going to leave her. Just … just wait a little longer.”
“How much longer?
“We don’t have shit. Lapour’s record is clean and there’s no evidence of anything. We’ll have to plant it. Including tampering with his emails and credit card data.”
“How long?” I question again, not bothering to hide the irritation in my voice.
“Only days.”
Days … I can wait days. Everything will be right again after that, and I’ll make it better. I nod, pacing in a short circle. Just days. The seconds tick by so slowly.
“After what happened in his office …” I voice the concern that’s repeating in my head on a loop. “The way he brought her up. Like he was …”
“She’s safe. I have her locked away with Jules and she doesn’t even know it.”
“Locked away?” I ask, stopping in my tracks.
“No one’s getting into that house. And Jules knows not to take her out. If Kat wants to go somewhere,” Mason says and snaps his fingers, “there’s a security detail that’ll be on her the second the door is opened.”
“So, she’s safe?” Knowing she’s all right makes not being with her a little easier to swallow. She’s protected and that’s all that matters. I can’t lose her too.
“She’s safe and this helps take any heat off her,” Mason answers me. “We’re tracking his emails and calls, and her name hasn’t been mentioned. Yours is, though.”
I snort at the idea of James planning a hit on me. “And what’s he saying?”
“Wants eyes on you. Wants to know what you’re doing and who you’re seeing.”
My heart sinks at the thought. “Who I’m seeing,” I echo, feeling crushed. It’s like he wants me to have to stay away from her.
“Yeah,” Mason says with a defeated tone. “Could mean his ex, could mean lawyers or cops …” He doesn’t finish but I hear the unspoken addition, could mean Kat.
My resolve hardens, but it sends a shooting pain down my chest. I twist the wedding ring on my finger and look back at the grave. I’ll be buried with this ring. Either now or years from now. Forever hers.
“Call her from a different phone, just one call?” Mason suggests as I watch the men shoveling piles of dirt. “Not with your phone. From someone else’s.” I barely register Mason’s words.
“If I see her or talk to her,” I say, my words coming out as numb as my body feels, “I don’t know how I’ll walk away again.”
“It’s a tough call,” Mason says faintly.
“She’s not at risk now?” I ask him again. It’s fucked up, but part of me wants her to already be in the line of fire. Just so I can go to her. To hold her, and take back everything. I hate myself for thinking that for even a second. I’m weak. I need to be stronger for her.
Diary Entry One
Dear Pops,
I’ve seen Kat do this a few times.
Writing a letter to talk to her parents. It’s how I knew back then that she wasn’t doing too well. I’d give her extra attention and keep a closer eye on her whenever she took out that journal. I’m not doing too well now, and I need you. Thought I’d give this a try; I don’t have anything else.
I miss you already.
If you’re with Ma, tell her I miss her too. That I love her and wish you two were here.
God, I do. I need you two.
I’m sorry I wasn’t there. I’m sorry I wasn’t a better son.
I’m so damn sorry that the last conversation we had was about how disappointed you were in me. I promise I’m trying to do what’s right. It’s so hard to know, though.
It’s too many lies to know what the truth is. Too many secrets to hold on to what’s real.
I’m afraid of losing everything. It’s like it’s all crumbling around me and I can’t stop it.
I’m so damn alone, and it’s my fault. I’m terrified to be close to anyone right now.
I need you to do me a favor. You gotta look out for Kat.
She misses you and she’s not okay.
She used to say that when she’d write, her parents would be there in some way. She said she knew they were watching. She knew they heard. I hope you can hear me now.
Can you go to her? Please?
Give her a sign that you’re there and that you love her.
I’m trying, Pops, but it’s so hard to know if I’m doing the right thing.
If I lose her too, it’s over for me. There’s nothing left.
So please, don’t watch over me. Stay with her.
I love you forever.