11. Evan
As soon as they left,I opened a browser on my phone and searched for a new farm-to-table restaurant in the valley. I wanted to know where he was taking her. Not so I could go spy on them, but so I’d know where to go pick her up if things went south. At least that’s what I told myself.
There were two places that might fit the description he’d given me, along with a few other restaurants that had opened in the past year. I guess I’d been so used to my routine that I hadn’t paid any attention. Figuring the best person to ask about hot new places in the area was my little sister, I pulled up Ruby’s number and waited for her to answer.
“What’s wrong?” She didn’t bother with a greeting, just launched into assuming I’d only call in case of an emergency.
“Hey, Ruby. Nothing’s wrong. Can’t I just call to catch up with my little sister?”
She let out a sigh. “Seeing as how the last time you actually called was to tell me the Army was sending you home, you can’t blame me for thinking something’s wrong.”
“I’ve called you since then.” Hadn’t I? We talked almost every day at the distillery and were in the same family text chain.
“I’ve called you,” she said. “It’s not the same thing.”
“Potato, potah-to,” I mumbled. “It doesn’t matter who calls who, as long as we check in with each other every so often, right?”
“What’s going on? It’s Saturday night and I’m out with friends.” She sounded a little irritated, but any one of my siblings would drop everything to pitch in if one of us needed it. Our parents had always drilled into us to put family first.
This was the tricky part. I’d have to phrase my question just right or I’d have Ruby all over my ass wondering why I needed info on new fancy restaurants. “So, a friend of mine wants to take his girlfriend somewhere nice for their anniversary next weekend. She mentioned something about a new farm-to-table place in the valley that’s supposed to be opening soon. Do you know anything about that?”
“What friend?” Ruby asked.
“Does it matter which friend?” There were a number of names I could toss out if necessary, but Ruby probably knew more about what was going on in their lives than I did. I’d lost touch with the guys I’d hung out with in high school. They’d gone on to play college football or stayed in Beaver Bluff while I moved half a world away. When I got back to town, the ones who’d stayed had settled down and had wives and kids. The ones who’d gone away hadn’t come back. I’d lost touch with everyone except my family and Frannie.
“Yes, it matters. If it’s James, then he has to be careful to go somewhere that doesn’t serve shellfish because his wife has a wicked allergy. She accidentally got a piece of shrimp on her seafood salad and ended up being rushed to the ER because her throat closed off.”
“What was she doing eating seafood salad if she’s allergic to shellfish?” Maybe the more important question was what kind of reputable restaurant in landlocked Tennessee would have the confidence to serve a seafood salad in the first place.
“Geez, Evan. When’s the last time you visited the Catfish Corral? They’ve got a great seafood salad with salmon and crab.”
“Isn’t crab considered a shellfish, too? Maybe she was allergic to the crab and not the shrimp.”
“It’s not real crab. They make it from some kind of white fish. Why are we still talking about this? Is it James or someone else?” She sounded frustrated, and I didn’t blame her. I was getting a little irritated at our lack of progress as well.
“It’s not James, but I can’t tell you who. He wants it to be a surprise and you can’t keep a secret to save your life.”
She might try to deny it, but it was true.
“Fine. You’ve got two options. There’s a place on the north end of the valley called Market that’s supposed to be opening in a month, and another on the south end called Tommy’s. Both of them are good, but if you want something with a more romantic ambience, go for Market.”
“Thanks. I’ll tell him.” Romantic ambience definitely sounded like something Andrew Fucking Stewart would have in mind.
“Who is she?” Ruby asked.
“Who’s who?” I’d gotten what I needed thanks to my little sis. It was time to hang up and figure out what I was going to do with the hard-won information.
“The girl you want to take to Market?”
“I thought you were out with friends and needed to get going. Besides, it’s not for me, it’s for a friend.” Ruby was a lot easier to get along with when she was younger. As the only girl in a family with four older brothers, she’d been pretty sheltered as a kid since we all looked out for her. Once my younger brother Miller went away to college, Ruby didn’t have anyone being overly protective, so she came out of her shell and we hadn’t been able to stuff her back in since.
“Mm-hmm. You don’t have any friends who would think to ask you of all people for a restaurant recommendation, but nice try. Let me know if you need help picking out something appropriate to wear. They won’t let you in the door of that place without a tie, and I know you’ve never mastered the art of tying one the right way.”
“I’ll pass that along as well. Thanks, Ruby. Gotta go. I’ll see you at Mom and Dad’s tomorrow night for dinner.” I disconnected before she could press me for any other info. Damn. Why did everything have to remind me of Frannie? Even Ruby’s mention of not being able to tie my own tie brought up memories. I could still picture the look on Frannie’s face when she’d tried to help me with my tie the night of our eighth-grade choir concert. Her dad had taught her how to tie a proper Windsor knot, and even at fourteen, she was much better at it than any of our classmates. She’d fixed all the guys’ ties except mine. Even then, I was too damn proud to let her help me.
Armed with the knowledge that Frannie was probably sitting down to dinner at a place called Market, I paced the length of my family room and tried to figure out what to do. Spying on her would be a bad idea. If I’d been flirting with crossing the line into stalker territory before, showing up at a restaurant where she was having dinner with a date would put me squarely in the center of having lost my mind.
But it wasn’t just any date. It was the third date. And she’d expressly told me not to wait up. I’d been okay when she was just casually seeing someone. Now I’d met the guy and despite his unfortunate bloodline, he didn’t seem all that bad.
“What do we do, Pete the Dog?” I stopped in front of the couch where the dog had made himself at home on top of one of Frannie’s prized quilts. “You’d better get off of there.”
His eyebrows lifted, and he followed me with his eyes as I tried to pull the quilt out from under him.
“She’s not going to like it if you get dog hair all over Grandma Masterson’s handiwork.” It wasn’t like Frannie to leave something so special lying around like that. She must have been distracted by her big date and forgotten to take it to the bedroom. I rolled the dog’s back end to one side and worked the quilt free. Then I did the same with his upper body.
Pete the Dog refused to make eye contact as I folded the quilt.
“You could have helped me out, you know.” I left him lounging on the couch while I took the quilt into the bedroom I’d set up for Frannie. It felt like I was invading her personal space when I entered the room. She’d closed the blinds while she was getting ready, so the only light filtering into the room came from the hall. I tried to keep my gaze limited to a few feet in front of me, afraid of seeing something I wouldn’t be able to unsee later. All I needed was to catch a glimpse of her underwear and end up with blue balls all night.
My bedroom had a walk-in closet, but this one had annoying doors that slid back and forth on a track. I pushed the door to the side so I could tuck the quilt up on the shelf. Instead of easily sliding over, it got stuck.
“Dammit.” I’d been hoping to get in and out without disturbing anything. I set the quilt on the edge of the bed so I could use both hands to get the door back in line. With a little grunting and a few curse words, I finally had it moving freely again.
That’s when I turned to pick up the quilt from the bed. I grabbed hold of it and stuffed it up onto the shelf in the closet. It would be safe there until Frannie decided what she wanted to do with it. As I moved to close the closet door, something fell to the ground. I reached down and picked up a medium-sized box. It must have been knocked off the shelf when I slid the quilt in place.
It had a little weight to it, but the box wasn’t very sturdy. I flipped on the lamp sitting on the nightstand to get a better look. My mouth watered as I recognized the logo of my favorite store-bought snack when I was a kid. I thought Frannie had given up carbs, but she had a secret stash of moon pies hidden in the closet. Thinking I’d teach her a lesson about not leaving sweets sitting around, I slid the top open and reached inside.
My fingers felt around for the familiar crinkle of plastic. Instead, I touched something rubbery. What the hell. I dumped the box out on the bed. A thick pink dildo slid onto the comforter, and I stared down at it in shock.
Frannie Masterson had a vibrator. The principal of Beaver Bluff Elementary owned a battery-operated boyfriend.
I didn’t know whether to laugh out loud or shove it back in the box and try to bleach the knowledge from my brain. So I did a little bit of both. Of course, I’d seen dildos before. I’d just never thought of Frannie owning one. I pressed the big pink dick against my hand and turned it on. It buzzed a little. Pretty lame for a sex toy.
There was another button below that one, so I pressed it to see what it would do. The whole shaft swirled around like a hula dancer in slow motion. Pressing the button again increased the speed of the swirl and also the intensity of the buzzing. Pete the Dog must have heard it from the other room because he came in to check things out.
“What do you think about this?” I pressed the button again, wondering just how far the little pink toy would go. It was already moving and buzzing at warp speed. If it went any faster, it might take off from my hand and shoot across the room.
Pete the Dog sniffed the air and whined.
“There’s only one more setting.” I looked over at him for encouragement to take it all the way. “Here goes nothing.”
I turned the dial as far as it would go. Heat shot through my palm and smoke billowed out from the base of the rubbery cock. I dropped it to check on my hand. Damn, that hurt. It must have shorted out or had a wire loose. Satisfied I wouldn’t be scarred for life, I reached down to grab it and turn the annoying toy off. Before I could get my fingers wrapped around it, Pete the Dog beat me to it. He picked it up in his mouth and ran out of the bedroom. The smell of burning rubber and wisps of smoke trailed behind him.
“Give me that!” I chased after him, through the front room, then back down the hall. He jumped onto my bed and stood in the middle of the plaid comforter I’d had since high school, daring me to take it away from him. “You’re going to catch yourself on fire.”
I lunged and missed. The damn dog ran back toward the front room. My leg gave out halfway down the hall, and I fell forward, half in and half out of the living room. From my vantage point on the hardwood floor, I could clearly make out the front door opening.
With every ounce of my being, I prayed that it wasn’t Frannie coming back for something she forgot. I closed my eyes, bracing myself for the sound of her voice.
Instead, it was my brother Miller whose voice I heard. “What the hell is going on in here?”