13. Evan
“They don’t havea model called Magic Mick on the website. What am I going to do?” I stared at my laptop screen, cursing myself for opening the damn box in Frannie’s closet.
Miller held what was left of the chewed-up dildo. He was getting way too much pleasure from watching me struggle. “What about that one? It’s pink.”
“It doesn’t have the ridges like Magic Mick does. See?” I pointed to the base of the vibrator. “How am I supposed to tell if it swivels?”
“I vote for that one. It’s got steel rotating beads and the little thing on the front looks like a tiny bunny.” Miller pointed to the related products section. “Oooh. It also comes in purple. What’s Frannie’s favorite color?”
“What if I just give her a gift certificate to the Kink Closet and let her pick out her own toy?” Thinking about Frannie slipping any of those fake dicks between her legs had me equal parts jealous and pissed. I wanted to be the one taking care of her and keeping her satisfied, not some rubbery piece of plastic.
“If you do that, she’ll know for sure you were snooping around her closet.” Miller shook his head. “Only you would get yourself into a situation like this.”
“What’s that supposed to mean? I was trying to save her beaver blanket from the dog, that’s all.” I’d provided a thorough run-through of everything that had happened since Frannie left to go on her date. I hadn’t had a choice. When he walked in the door and Pete the Dog rushed by with a chewed-up vibrator in his mouth, Miller pretty much demanded to know what the hell was going on. I didn’t blame him.
“No good deed ever goes unpunished. Isn’t that what they say?”
I wanted to wipe the smug grin from his scruffy face, but he was right. “You think it was a mistake for me to let Frannie move in?”
“That’s not what I’m saying at all. I think you’re a masochist for putting yourself through that kind of torture, but that’s just my opinion.” He set his hand on my shoulder and leaned forward. “Dude. Look at that one. It’s got a remote control.”
“I’m not buying her a remote-controlled vibrator.” I buried my face in my hands. “She’s going to be back in a couple of hours. I need a plan, and I need it now.”
“Whatever you order online won’t be here for a few days. How often do you think she goes at it? You might be better off checking the Kink Closet to see if there’s something you can get your hands on tonight.”
“You think they have a Magic Mick model in stock?”
“Why don’t you call and ask?” The smug smirk returned, this time even smugger than the last. “If they’ve got it in stock, I’ll even run out there with you to pick it up. Maybe even get something Amalie and I can put to good use.”
“Stop talking.” I didn’t want to have images of my brother and his fiancée playing with something he picked up at the Kink Closet floating around in my head. I picked up my phone and glared at Pete the Dog. This was all his fault. He didn’t look like he felt any remorse. While I dialed the Kink Closet, he lifted his back leg and leisurely began to lick his balls. Or where his balls would have been if they’d still been attached. At least I still had that going for me.
A deep voice answered. “Kink Closet. What’s your pleasure?”
This was going to be one of those evenings in my life I’d look back on and laugh. Once I came clean with Frannie and told her how I felt about her and we fell madly in love, we’d reminisce on this night and laugh our asses off. I just had to get through the rest of it in order for it to turn into one of those moments.
I cleared my throat and avoided looking at my brother. “Hi. Um, I’m looking for a certain model of, um, vibrator, and I wanted to see if you have it in stock.” That wasn’t so hard. I’d survived basic training. Surely, I could handle a short phone conversation.
“Is this for yourself, sir?”
“No. It’s for a friend.” Damn. Rookie mistake. Everyone knew that when you said something was for a friend, it was really for yourself. “My girlfriend,” I added.
“Is she interested in single penetration or double?” He sounded bored, like we were discussing the weather patterns over the eastern seaboard instead of my fictional girlfriend’s penetration preferences.
“I actually have a model name I can give you. It’s the Magic Mick.”
“Is there a manufacturer name?”
I put my hand over the bottom of my phone and turned toward Miller. “What’s the manufacturer”s name?”
Miller squinted at the bottom of the vibrator. “Looks like it says Make Me… I can’t figure out the last word. Part of it got chewed up.”
“Make Me Come,” the man on the other end of the phone said.
“Excuse me?”
“The name of the manufacturer is probably Make Me Come. They’re a popular vendor of ours. Hold on a moment and I’ll see which of their models we have in stock.” Instead of elevator music, soft moans played through the phone. No wonder people preferred to shop for their kinky shit online.
“Did he find you a Magic Mick?” Miller asked.
“He’s checking. Evidently, Make Me Come is one of their popular vendors.” I crossed my fingers, hoping he had a Magic Mick in stock.
“Sorry, sir. There’s been a recall on the Magic Mick model. Evidently, it can short out and actually catch fire with prolonged use. We’ve got a Thick Rick or a Girthy Garth in stock if you’d like me to set one aside for your, um, friend.”
“It really is for my friend, my girlfriend.” I couldn’t believe he was giving me shit about that.
“The Kink Closet is a safe space, sir. There’s no judgement here.”
“It’s not for me. I’m buying a gift,” I said. The rational part of my brain recognized there was no value in continuing the conversation. It shouldn’t matter if a guy who worked behind the counter at the Kink Closet thought I enjoyed shoving a vibrator up my own ass or not. But a part of me couldn’t let it go. “My dog ruined her Magic Mick, and I’m trying to replace it.”
“Did you want the Girthy Garth? We’re open until two.”
“No, I don’t want the Girthy Garth.”
Miller took the phone from me at that point. “Thanks for your assistance. My brother’s in a bad place right now. He had such a special relationship with Mick, it’s been extremely hard for him to let it go.”
“You little shit.” I grabbed for my phone, but Miller had already disconnected. “I can’t wait for you and Amalie to get married. Don’t be surprised if you find a Girthy Garth and a Thick Rick wrapped up with your wedding gifts.”
“If I do, I just might have to tell Frannie all about how you snuck into her closet and went through her personal things.” He didn’t look spooked at all. In fact, he looked thrilled at the possibility of having something to hold over my head.
“I thought I was stealing a moon pie.”
“Maybe you should just tell her the truth. You were trying to save her beavers from being violated by the dog, so you stuffed the blanket into the closet. Then, lo and behold, a box of moon pies fell at your feet. Being the sack of shit you are, you opened the box, hoping to stick your tongue in the creamy center and discovered her secret pleasure stick instead.” Miller shrugged. “Or you can put the beaver blanket back where you found it and pretend like the box fell on the floor on its own. Maybe Pete the Dog was the one who ripped it open and found Magic Mick.”
I stared at my brother for a long beat. “Miller, you’re a fucking genius. Why didn’t I think of that?”
He brushed his knuckles against his shirt and puffed out his chest. “I do have an advanced degree, you know.”
“In accounting, not sneaky spy shit.” I was already in motion, pulling the closet door open and yanking the beaver quilt down from the shelf. “Pete the Dog is the perfect straw man. Or perfect straw dog. He even looks guilty.”
Miller tossed the remainder of the pink nub on the bed near Pete the Dog’s paw. “Where did you put the box? We should leave it on the closet floor. Maybe even rip it up a little like the dog pulled it apart trying to get into it.”
In under a minute, we’d staged the scene. It was the perfect setup. I wouldn’t say a word and Pete the Dog would take the fall. Frannie would be too embarrassed to ask me about it and just assume the box had fallen from the closet like Miller said.
Relieved I wouldn’t have to confess to being responsible for ruining Frannie’s vibrating friend, I headed to the kitchen. “You want to stick around for a while and catch the end of the Vols game?”
“Hell no. I’m getting out of here before your new roommate gets home. There’s no way I’ll be able to keep a straight face when she walks in the door.” He tilted his head toward my refrigerator. “I was over at Mom and Dad’s place for a while tonight. Mom asked me to drop off a couple of meals for you on my way home. I think she’s afraid of you and Frannie starving to death since she knows you can’t cook.”
I yanked on the handle of the freezer and pulled it open to find a few of my mother’s favorite dinners stacked in vacuum-sealed bags. “What were you doing over at their place?”
“Dad asked me to drop off last month’s statements. He likes keeping an eye on things at the distillery, even though he’s technically retired.” Miller bumped his shoulder against mine. “You think you can keep things under control here? Amalie and Jack are waiting for me at home. We’re on the second Star Wars movie in our outer space movie marathon. They’ve got the popcorn ready.”
“Yeah. Thanks for your help with…” I wasn’t sure what to call the experience we’d shared this evening.
“You’re welcome.”
Miller gave me the half-handshake, half-hug thing that we usually did, then made his way toward the front door. I followed, grateful I had a brother like Miller. Vaughn and Cole had always had each other. Even though they didn’t always see eye to eye, they had that twin-bond thing. Growing up, I sometimes felt like a third wheel when I hung around with the two of them. Miller got me. He understood why I’d felt like I needed to get away from Beaver Bluff after high school when everyone expected me to go to college and work in the family business.
He also understood my feelings for Frannie and had been the first one to call me out about them. The only thing we didn’t really agree on was what I should do about them.
Right before he got to the door, he turned around. “You sure you know what you’re doing with Frannie?”
“What do you mean?” I slid my hands into the pockets of my sweats, suddenly eager for my brother to go before he said something I’d have to think about later.
“I know how you feel about her. Maybe you need to tell her before she gets tight with this new guy. That’s all.” One of Miller’s shoulders lifted in a half shrug. “I mean, what if they get serious and you never get the chance? You don’t want to live your life with a regret like that.”
“Yeah, I’ll think about it.” Eager to get him out of my house and out of my head, I nodded toward the door. “Give my nephew a hug from me, okay?”
“He’d probably tell you he’s getting too big for hugs.” Miller chuckled.
“Then give him a fist bump from his Uncle Evan, okay?”
“You got it, bro.” Miller made it all the way to his truck before he turned around. “Think about what I said, will you?”
Nodding, I waited for him to turn around and head down my drive before I went back inside and closed the door. Think about what he said? All I’d been doing for the past couple of weeks was thinking about Frannie… wondering if I should tell her anything… and if so, how I should break the news. Hey, Frannie? Can we talk? I just wanted to let you know I’ve pretty much been in love with you since grade school. What do you think? Wanna get married and make babies and live happily ever after?
After she finished laughing at me, she’d probably put me on a psychiatric hold until I came to my senses.
Actually, I knew Frannie a hell of a lot better than that. She wouldn’t laugh. She’d let me down easy and then everything between us would change. I refused to be one more person she needed to take care of, one more problem she needed to solve.
I couldn’t do that to her. Couldn’t tell her how I felt. Not until I was whole again.