29. Evan
The dayof the race dawned with blue skies and not a single cloud. I”d been training for weeks and was ready to finally prove to everyone that my leg was good as new, and I no longer needed their pity or support. After a light breakfast, I woke Frannie so we could drive to the starting line together. She needed to be there early to get all the runners checked in, and I decided to go with her, even though I didn”t need to be there that early. Staying at home would only give my nerves more time to wind up and I”d rather be with her.
Pete the Dog was the official race mascot, so Frannie tied a black-and-white checkered bandana around his neck, and we set off in my truck. The route of the race had to be moved at the last minute due to a grain truck spilling onto the road. I wanted to have a chance to drive through the course and make sure I was familiar with the path before I took my spot at the starting line. I dropped Frannie and Pete the Dog off so she could get to work.
“Are you sure you”re ready for this?” she asked.
I nodded. I couldn”t wait to get out on the course. I”d done a couple of practice runs the week before and had been improving my time with each attempt. I wasn”t planning on finishing first, but just finishing would be an accomplishment and something I hadn”t dared to dream of a year ago, or even as recently as a month ago.
“I”ll see you at the starting line.” She leaned across the console to wrap her arms around my neck and pull my head down for a kiss.
I lingered, not wanting to say goodbye. Frannie climbed down from the truck and got Pete the Dog out of the back seat. He was always up for an outing and didn”t bother looking back. I gave her a final wave, then followed her directions to where I”d be able to do a quick tour of the course before they closed down the streets. Though the terrain around Beaver Bluff was full of foothills, she assured me they”d done their best to keep the course as flat as possible. I wasn”t worried about my leg since I”d been practicing on pavement. Had we been doing an off-road run, it would have been a whole different story.
While I drove, I cranked up the radio, trying to get myself amped-up and in the mood with my favorite Black Sabbath album. If anyone knew how to overcome odds, it would be the lead singer of that band. Ozzy had been through more than I could even imagine and still played the kind of music that could inspire a guy like me to take on the odds. I’d almost reached the end of the course when my phone rang. My sister Ruby’s number flashed across the screen.
“Hey, what”s up, little sis? Aren”t you coming out to cheer for me this morning?”
“You know I”ve got an event at the distillery. I just wanted to call to wish you good luck.”
I’d forgotten she had a private group tasting this morning. “Thanks, I appreciate it. Are you planning on joining us to celebrate later tonight?”
Frannie had invited my family over for a BBQ this afternoon as a way of mending fences after the last meal we’d shared together at my parents’ house. The fences weren’t necessarily hers to mend, but she still felt bad about not telling them herself that she’d been seeing a Stewart. Her feet were firmly planted on Bishop ground now—a fact I wouldn”t hesitate to remind her of after the race.
I’d heard through the grapevine that Andrew Stewart was pretty much a professional marathoner, because why the hell wouldn”t he be? I couldn”t seem to get away from that guy, no matter what. He’d probably lap me on a stupid 10k, but I wasn”t there to impress Andrew. I was there to prove to myself and everyone else that I could do it.
Ruby agreed that yes, she would be coming to the barbecue and planned on bringing a few bottles of whiskey from our private collection at the distillery to honor my accomplishment.
“Did you tell Dad you’re doing that?” I asked. We kept at least one or two bottles from every special release so we’d have them on hand for family celebrations, but I wasn”t sure if this would count as something to commemorate, as far as my dad was concerned.
“Dad”s retired,” Ruby said. “Cole told me it would be okay. I figure as long as he or Vaughn are good with it, it shouldn”t matter what Dad thinks.”
I held back a laugh. Dad might have given up the reins as manager of the distillery, but as long as there was still breath in his lungs, he would never give up his hold on the place. I imagined all of us would feel the same way when it was our turn to step back and let the next generation take over, but for Dad especially, it had been a hard pill to swallow when Mom begged him to retire. He’d been at the helm for so long. Running the distillery was just as much a part of his life as eating and breathing.
“Be careful out there, Evan,” Ruby said. “I know you feel like you have to prove something to everybody, but don”t overdo it.”
“Not you, too,” I said. “Frannie’s been trying to give me an out for the past two days. I feel great. There”s no reason for me to not do the run today. I”ll call you after and let you know what my time was, okay?”
“Just promise me you won’t do anything stupid.”
“If I promised you that, I’d never get to have any fun.”
As the only girl in a family with four rambunctious brothers, she probably had a valid reason to be concerned. I was amazed that none of us had been seriously injured with some of the stunts we pulled over the years. I tried to put myself in her shoes, something I”d been working on since Frannie and I got together. She called it developing my emotional intelligence. I called it making Frannie happy.
“Don”t worry. I know what I”m doing, okay?”
“Love you, dumbass,” she said.
“Love you, too.”
“Good luck at the event today.”
We hung up, with my heart feeling a little bit lighter than it had before she called. I’d been reluctant to return to Beaver Bluff after my injury. I’d come to appreciate being close to my family again. I”d missed them while I was deployed, well, most of them. I’d had to swallow my pride when I tucked tail and came crawling home, but I was done feeling like I’d been putting my life on hold. I’d been going through the motions for the past year, but now I finally felt like I had something pushing me to be better, pushing me to be the man I”d always wanted to be.
With fifteen minutes to go before I was supposed to check in at the starting line, I found a place to park on a side street and made my way toward the center of the event. Frannie sat behind a table with a long line of participants in front of her. Damn if that wasn”t Silas Stewart sitting by her side. A quick pain in my gut gave way to my nerves, and I gathered with the other runners behind the starting line.
One advantage of sleeping with the woman in charge was not having to wait in line since Frannie had given me my race number the night before. I recognized dozens of familiar faces as we milled around, shaking out our limbs, doing last-minute stretches, and trying to get our minds focused on the upcoming race. Today wasn”t about picking sides or supporting the Bishops or the Stewarts. While the feud usually permeated everything in town, we were able to put it aside on special occasions when the whole town rallied for something bigger than families and feuds, like raising money for the elementary school.
With all the runners checked in, Frannie pushed back from the table and sought me out in the crowd.
“Are you sorry you didn’t sign up to run today?” I joked.
“Absolutely not,” she said. “There”s so much testosterone around here, I can practically smell it.”
I looked around. Though there were several women who had signed up to run, the vast majority of participants were definitely male. All I wanted to do was hang in with the group in the middle and not finish last. As someone who usually set an extremely high bar for himself, I wasn”t used to having such an average goal. Once I got through today, I planned on continuing training so I could tackle the half marathon that was coming up in March.
“Will you be waiting for me at the finish line?”
Frannie tightened her grip on Pete the Dog’s leash and nodded. “Once you take off, we”ll probably start walking toward the finish line so I can cheer you on the last bit of the way. Don”t forget, you don’t have anything to prove to anyone. I know how competitive you get. Just do your own thing and ignore everybody else around you, okay?”
I cast a side glance at Andrew Stewart, who was warming up about a dozen feet away. She didn”t necessarily mean Andrew in particular, but that”s where my head went. When I’d been in the prime shape of my life, I would have loved nothing better than to leave him in my dust. Today I’d have to be happy with just finishing the race.
“I’ll see you the end.” I put my hand on her shoulder and gave her a quick kiss.
An announcement came over the speaker system for runners to take their mark. With this big of a group, they didn”t try to assign us into heats, so I stepped into a giant horde of bodiespressing toward the starting line. The blank fired into the air, and we were off.
The first quarter of the race was no problem. I found my stride and easily kept up my pace… not too close to the front and far enough from the back. I was happy to be running with the pack. People from town lined the course, blew party horns, and cheered us on. It felt more like running a marathon with national coverage than it did just running an elementary school fun run. Though for me, the stakes were greater.
The sun came out from behind a cloud and heated things up. I broke a sweat and was grateful for the hat Frannie had given me since it kept the sweat from running into my eyes. The course wound back and forth, and I noticed Andrew in the lead several hundred yards ahead of me. He had some fans lining the route, and I recognized a few of them as his Stewart cousins. They’d gone to the trouble of printing t-shirts with his face blasted across the front, leaving no doubt in anyone”s mind who they were there to support.
I reached the halfway mark a full twenty seconds ahead of my most recent trial run and was feeling very good about my progress. My leg had been holding up, and I’d been able to maintain the same pace for the last two miles. Going into the last half of the race, I just needed to be careful to pace myself and not push myself harder than what I”d gotten used to. The temptation was there, as usual, since I wasn”t used to not giving something my all. Even though I had more in the tank, I knew I”d need to save it for the final push.
The minutes ticked by, with only the sound of my feet pounding the pavement. I was close to the finish line, only about a half a mile away, when my leg gave out with no warning. I was too shocked to drop into a roll, so I face planted in the middle of the road and earned myself two skinned knees and road rash over my arms.
I hadn”t seen Frannie standing nearby, but as I landed on the ground, I heard her yell my name. She rushed over, dropping the dog’s leash on the way. Pete the Dog raced ahead, stopping to lick my face as the other runners passed. A kind of shame I’d never felt before spread from my chest, swallowing up every part of me until I was too embarrassed to even look up.
This race was supposed to be my chance to show everyone how far I’d come, but I’d failed again. Not just in front of Frannie, who I’d needed to see me as the fullest version of myself, but I’d also wiped out in front of other racers, my past teammates, my friends, and worst of all, my father.
Frannie crouched down and put her arm on my shoulder. “Oh my god, Evan. Are you okay?”
“I’m fine.” I pushed her hand away, not wanting her to touch me, not wanting anyone to look at me with pity in their eyes. It was the same look I’d seen on dozens of faces when I arrived home after being discharged from the Army—the sickening combination of sympathy and relief that it wasn”t them or one of their loved ones who’d been sidelined by tragedy.
“Let me help you up.” She wrapped her fingers around my arm.
I didn”t want her help, didn”t want her to look at me like I was weak or a failure, even though I was both.
“Leave me alone.”
“You can still finish. Let’s get you checked out by a medic.” She pulled a tissue out of her bag and dabbed at the blood flowing down my leg.
Both of my knees had been skinned. I felt like an eight-year-old who’d wiped out on his bike, not an almost-thirty-year-old man who’d tripped over his own fucking feet. In that moment, I wished I could go back and become that boy instead. No one would look down on me for falling off a bike while learning to ride, at least not the way they were looking at me now.
I staggered to my feet, falling again as my leg gave out. Pain sliced through my calf. I didn”t know what had happened, but I was no longer in control of my leg. Miller had been standing on the sidelines with his son Jack sitting up on his shoulders. He jogged over now and put an arm underneath mine, half lifting, half dragging me up to stand on the one leg that would support my weight.
“Come on, Evan. Let’s get you out of here.”
Frannie looked like someone had slapped her. I may as well have, based on how I”d shut her out, but I couldn’t stand to fail in front of her. She’d always believed in me, but now she had the same pity in her eyes, just like everyone else. I’d told her I was well enough to run, told her I was healthy enough to participate, yet I was being dragged off the pavement by my younger brother while she looked on, her eyes full of disappointment.
“What can I do to help?” she asked.
“Nothing,” I ground out. All I wanted was to disappear. I held on to Miller and hobbled over to the curb. All Frannie was doing was drawing attention. The collective weight of everyone”s gazes rested on me. I didn”t want to be seen. “Just go, Frannie. Leave me alone.”
As Miller helped me back to where he’d parked his truck, Andrew Fucking Stewart crossed the finish line. The crowd erupted in cheers. A quick glance at the timer showed he’d set a record. There didn”t seem to be anything that man couldn”t do. Frannie deserved a guy like him, not this broken-down version of the man I used to be.
“What do you want me to do, Evan?” She stood next to Miller, her eyes pleading with me, begging me for something I would never be able to give her.
“You should go congratulate Andrew,” I said. “You’re the principal of the school, and he just set a new record for your fundraising run. He”s the kind of man you should be with, the kind you can count on in any situation. The kind who won’t fail you.”
“Don”t do this.” Frannie put her hand on my chest. I shrugged it off and clung to my brother. Without him, I wouldn”t have been able to walk. I’d pushed myself too far and too hard to prove a point that I had no business making. The truth of the situation wrapped around my shoulders like a suffocating blanket. I’d never be good enough for her. I hadn’t been back then, I wasn”t now, and I never would be.
“It”s over, Frannie.” I ducked my head, unable to hold her gaze.
“This isn”t the end. We”re talking about this when I get home tonight. I”m not going to let this go.”
“You’d better find someplace else to stay.”
“Shut the hell up, Evan,” Miller said.
He didn”t get it. He’d found the love of his life. He didn”t understand what it was like to be so close to everything he’d ever wanted and have it all ripped away.
“Please take me home,” I said to my brother. I hated having to rely on anyone or ask anyone for help, but I”d much rather it be my brother than the woman I”d sworn to protect and care for… the woman I’d failed.