17. ZARA
ZARA
“Are you sure I’m ready for this?” I’d been working with Morpheus for nearly a month now, and he had decreed I was ready to deliver a message without him guiding me. I didn’t share his conviction. “What if I mess up and he runs around clucking like a chicken for the rest of his life?”
He gave me one of his ‘seriously, Zara?’ looks. “You’re a dream walker not a stage hypnotist. If you’re not ready, the message won’t take and we’ll come back in a few nights and try again. It’s not a big deal.”
“Alright. Run me through what I need to do one more time.” Another exasperated look. He was getting really good at them with all the practice I was giving him.
“You don’t need a reminder, Zara. You’ve done this enough times alongside me.
It should be second nature by now. The only thing that’s different tonight is that you’re doing it on your own this time.
I’ll still be right here observing in case you need me to step in.
Now get on with it will you. The sooner we’re done, the sooner we can go and find a nice bar and relax with a glass of wine.
” He placed his hand on the man’s temple so he could tune in to what I was doing and gave me an ‘I’m waiting’ look.
Right. I could do this. I’d done it more than once along with Morpheus.
I placed my hand gently on my unsuspecting victim’s forehead and… nothing.
“It’s not working.”
“Push harder then. You’re not going to make his head explode.” That hadn’t even occurred to me, but now he’d mentioned it I couldn’t think about anything else. I snatched my hand away in case thinking about it actually made it happen.
“Now what’s wrong?”
“You really had to say that didn’t you? Can’t you do it with me? Please?”
He heaved a sigh. “You’re making this a much bigger deal than it needs to be, you know. Here, give me your hand and I’ll start you off. But you’re delivering the message on your own.”
I placed my hand over his and let him guide me to the thoughts I needed, paying close attention as he sought out the perfect place to plant our seed.
“There, do you see it?”
“I think so.” Normal thoughts were like a web of fine, brightly coloured threads filling a dreamer’s mind, but the troublesome ones tended to be much darker in colour. The thoughts I was looking at now were a deep burgundy, a stark contrast to the blues and greens of the others.
“Good. Now for the love of the very large glass of wine I’m going to need when this is finally over, get on with it.”
I felt him draw back so I could take over, although I could still sense him as a comforting presence in the background, ready to step in if I needed him to. I tentatively pushed my way into the man’s thoughts, admittedly with much less finesse than Morpheus had.
“You’re doing fine,” he murmured as I tweaked here and pushed there until I was satisfied the message had been received.
“That’s the last time I’m doing it with you,” he warned when I’d finished. “You’re more than ready to fly solo. And that one was so simple you could have done it in your sleep.”
“Very amusing.” I smiled despite myself. “Thank you for helping.”
The truth was, I just wasn’t sure I was cut out for this.
Messing around with people’s thoughts, and lives, was serious business and I wasn’t at all convinced the gods had the right to do that.
Not that we were encouraging them to do anything nefarious, but I was a firm believer in free will and this felt very much like taking it away.
This visit hadn’t been on behalf of the gods though, it was the result of one of the stray prayers Morpheus had told me he sometimes heard.
He’d decided it would be the ideal opportunity for me to cut my dream walker teeth on, and I was much more comfortable responding to a prayer than interfering with someone’s life without their consent.
The fact that I hadn’t felt ready to do it only served to reinforce my doubts about whether this job was right for me.
“Come on. You look like you need that drink even more than I do, and I know just the place to get one.”
He always did. No matter where a visit took us, he always seemed to know a good bar in the vicinity. I still wasn’t sure if it was because he’d been around so long or if he looked places up before we came to try and impress me. If it was the latter, it was working.
“Are you having second thoughts about working with me, Zara?” he asked, once we’d got a drink and found a table. The question took me by surprise, and I took a slow sip of my wine to buy myself some time to think about my answer.
“I suppose I am,” I admitted, when I couldn’t put off answering him any longer. “I mean, I do enjoy working with you, but I can’t deny that I find some of the visits questionable.”
“In what way?” His hand fell on mine as I went to raise my wineglass to my lips again. “Stop stalling and tell me exactly what’s bothering you.”
“It’s just… it seems wrong to be interfering in people’s lives without their consent.
And just because the gods see fit to make something happen, or stop it from happening, that doesn’t mean it was supposed to turn out that way.
What if the changes we bring about have a ripple effect on other people’s lives? ”
“That’s a fair question. But the gods have always interfered in mortal affairs.
It’s their nature. I can’t help thinking this has more to do with your own situation than it does with the people we visit.
Are you sure this aversion doesn’t stem from the way your life and Seth’s have been shaped by prophecy? ”
“I suppose it does, in part,” I admitted. “Every time I see someone being pushed in a certain direction, it makes me think about whether Seth and I would have felt the way we do about each other without Aphrodite’s spell.”
“Hmm. My understanding is that the spell was to help the guardians find their soul mates, not to create them or force them to love each other.”
“But if it’s real, how could he just leave me?” I blurted. Dammit. I hadn’t meant to say that out loud, even if the question had been tormenting me for weeks now.
“Come on.” He was out of his seat in a heartbeat. “We should be having this conversation somewhere more private.” I cast a longing glance back at my almost untouched drink as he led me outside and into a shadowed corner so he could transport us back to his study.
“Sit,” he ordered, pouring a generous measure of Disaronno into a glass and passing it to me before filling one for himself with brandy. “How long has that question been burning a hole in your brain, Mathitevómenos?”
I briefly considered saying I didn’t want to talk about it, but I knew he wouldn’t let it go so easily and besides, maybe I needed to even if I didn’t want to.
“Ever since he left I guess. If we were really soulmates, how could he leave me so easily? As if, as if…”
“As if he wanted to?” he said gently.
I nodded miserably. “Why else would he go? Gabriel admitted the whole prophecy was just the result of some drunken game. He could have told him to go fuck himself but no, he did exactly as he was told like a good little guardian and just left me here—” My voice broke and I gave up trying not to cry.
“I forget sometimes how new you are to all this. Seth has had over two thousand years of doing his duty as a guardian, Agapiméno1. Setting that conditioning aside because he doesn’t like what he’s being asked to do would be impossible for him, however much it might cost him.
The fact that he managed to negotiate to only visit the Underworld for six months rather than just accepting his fate speaks volumes about his commitment to you. Here, dry your eyes.”
He gave me a handkerchief – not a tissue, a proper fancy linen one with an ‘M’ embroidered on it – and huffed in exasperation when I looked at it dubiously before handing it back and fishing inside my bra for a tissue instead.
“I think he did want to go.” I’d said that to him once before and he hadn’t disagreed, acknowledging that Seth had exercised his own free will in deciding to go.
“I don’t think want is the right word. He needed to go.
Not just for the Prophecy, or because he was being ‘a good little guardian’ as you put it, but for his own sake.
However he felt about the Prophecy, Lucien is his father.
A father that until a few months ago he’d believed to have been mortal and to be long dead.
I would have thought you, of all people, would understand his desire to learn more about him and his own birthright. ”
He was right. I knew he was right. And yet it still hurt like hell.
“How did Seth react when you found out who your parents were? I imagine Gideon was pushing for you to move to Fae.”
I frowned. “He was, but I soon set him straight. There was no way I was going to leave Seth.”
“And yet I imagine Seth wouldn’t have put any obstacles in your way if you had decided to do so.”
I hadn’t decided to do so though, had I? “Can we please not talk about this anymore?” Even if he was right, I wasn’t ready to admit it out loud.
“As you wish. But I hope you’ll give some thought to what I’ve said.
So, getting back to tonight’s visit,” I relaxed when he didn’t push it any further, “I understand your reluctance to deliver the gods’ messages, even if I don’t agree with it, but this one was a direct request for help, not interference from the gods.
Why did you struggle with the idea of doing it on your own? ”
“I’m not sure. You’re right that there was no reason why we shouldn’t help him. I just…” I shrugged.
“Shall I tell you what the problem is?” he asked when I didn’t expand on that.
He didn’t wait for an answer. “You didn’t want to do this one entirely on your own, because once you’ve passed that milestone there’s no going back.
And then, at some point, you’re going to have to take responsibility for delivering a message your conscience objects to. ”
I hadn’t been aware of feeling that way, but now that he’d said it, it made perfect sense.
Until now I’d only been a bystander, able to justify my involvement by telling myself I wasn’t the one delivering the message.
But the prospect of having to actually deliver one myself was looming ever closer and that wasn’t a line I wanted to cross.
“Am I right?”
“I… I think you might be. Does that mean you’re going to sack me?”
“What it means is that it’s time we renegotiate some of the finer points of your contract. Would it help if I gave you my word I won’t ask you to personally deliver any messages from the gods?”
“It would, but… can you do that? Wouldn’t the gods be annoyed?”
He scowled. “You don’t work for the gods, Zara.
You work for me. I chose to take you as my apprentice and it’s my call what you do or don’t do.
If you decide this job isn’t for you, I won’t try and pressure you into staying on.
But I like having you around and I’d be very sad to lose you.
So if you just want to come on visits and keep me company like in the beginning, that’s fine with me.
“Bear in mind before you decide though,” he continued, “that as my apprentice you have my protection from my brothers. And I’m not saying that to try and coerce you in any way.
I just want you to understand that I won’t be able to extend you my protection if you choose to end our arrangement, however much I might wish to. ”
Zeus had said pretty much the same thing that day Seth had taken me to see him. And there was no way I wanted to be delivering nightmares or freaky dreams.
“I don’t want to stop being your apprentice, and I really want to get more involved with your helper network. I just can’t reconcile the messages the gods want us to deliver with my conscience.”
“Then it’s settled. For now at least, you’ll be an onlooker only in that respect. And maybe pull prayer duty now and then?” He raised his glass and I clinked mine against it.
“You have a deal.”
1. Dear one or cherished one in Greek