28. ZARA
ZARA
I woke with a smile just as dawn was breaking and rolled over in search of Seth, wondering why I wasn’t still wrapped in his arms. Nothing but empty space greeted me, and the smile dropped from my face as the pale light seeping into the room revealed that his side of the bed looked untouched, as if it hadn’t been slept in at all.
Trying to convince myself that he must have just woken up early and straightened the covers out when he got up, I heaved myself out of bed to go and find him.
A memory surfaced as I was pulling on my dressing gown, of him pulling the covers up around my neck and whispering something to me as he kissed me softly. I closed my eyes and chased the memory, willing the words to come back to me, and eventually they did. But they weren’t words I wanted to hear.
“Go back to sleep, my love. Be strong for me until I come home to you. I love you.”
The living area was deserted and there was no sign of the clothes that should have been lying on the sofa, where my memory told me they’d been hastily discarded.
The earrings sat on the coffee table though, along with Seth’s note and a handful of crumpled tissues.
So it had just been a dream. Tears threatened, but I forced them back where they belonged.
I’d done enough crying. Be strong for me until I return to you.
Dream or not, that still meant something, regardless of whether it had been a shared experience or just my subconscious mind telling me something I needed to hear.
Last night I’d let my emotions get the better of me, blindsided by a combination of missing Seth so desperately on my birthday and then reading his note straight afterwards.
But that didn’t mean I was going to let myself spiral.
I was stronger than that. I’d made a promise to Seth not to put my life on hold while he was gone, and it was one I fully intended to carry on keeping.
And even if last night had been a dream, it was still the best birthday present I could have hoped for.
Heading into the bathroom, the first thing I noticed was that the clothes I’d worn last night were sitting on top of the laundry basket.
Apparently I’d got myself undressed in here then, even if I couldn’t remember doing it.
Picking up the jeans, which were good for another wear, I tossed the rest of them into the basket and hit the shower.
My heart almost stopped when I emerged from the bedroom, showered and dressed, and saw that there was someone in the kitchenette.
For one beautiful second I thought it was Seth, until my brain processed that it was Nero standing there, scowling at the little coffee maker I’d bought so I didn’t have to go downstairs every time I needed a caffeine fix.
Before I could ask what he was doing here, he muttered what I was pretty sure must be a swear word in ancient Greek, then snapped his fingers, and a steaming mug appeared on the counter.
He turned and gave me an appraising look, laced with just a hint of worry.
“Good morning. How are you feeling?”
I swallowed down my disappointment and forced a smile, because it wasn’t his fault that he wasn’t Seth. Although that didn’t excuse the fact that he’d invited himself into my apartment. I could have been wandering around naked for fuck’s sake.
“I’m fine. Why wouldn’t I be? And, not to sound unwelcoming, but what are you doing here?”
“I just wanted to check up on you. You seemed sad when I was leaving yesterday and I was worried about you. I was going to come back last night but then I thought maybe you needed some time alone.” Thank the gods he hadn’t, because last night had felt so real I still wasn’t totally convinced that I’d been dreaming.
“Here,” he handed me the mug of coffee he’d magicked up then peered at me a bit more closely. “Are you sure you’re okay? You look like something’s bothering you.”
I debated whether to tell him about last night or not, but it couldn’t hurt to get a second opinion.
“I had a strange dream last night,” I admitted. “Or it may have been a dream walking experience. Or even a real experience. I honestly don’t know what it was.”
“Well, I’m happy to try and help you work it out, but you’ll have to give me a bit more than that to go on. Come and sit down and tell me what happened.”
I hesitated. I wanted to confide in him and get his opinion, but most of what had happened between me and Seth last night was far too intimate to share with anyone else. I decided to start at the beginning and gloss over the middle and ending as much as I could.
“I came back up here after the party, and these were waiting for me.” I pointed to the note and the earrings. “They’re from Seth. He left them with Eli to give to me before he went to the Underworld. I got myself in a bit of a state over it.”
“What an imbecile,” he grumbled, sounding less than impressed. “I’m sure he meant well but he should have known it would only make you miss him more to get something like that on your birthday.”
“No,” I protested. “It was a lovely idea. It was just too much after missing him all day, and seeing Eli and Rachel together, and Phoebe and Jed, and being tired and… well anyway, I was crying and suddenly Seth was here.”
“By ‘here’, I take it you mean you fell asleep and dreamed he was here?”
“I don’t know. That would be the logical conclusion, but it felt so real.”
“I think perhaps you do know, Zara,” he said gently. “You just don’t want to admit it. If it was real, then where is he now?”
“I suppose,” I said with a sigh. The way he’d made love to me had certainly felt real though. “But even if he wasn’t really here, I can’t work out whether it was just a normal dream or if it was a shared dream experience.”
“Was there anything that happened in it that wasn’t something you could have created in your own mind? Anything he said or did that you wouldn’t have expected? Anything at all that might indicate that he was an active participant rather than just a figment of your imagination?”
“No,” I admitted reluctantly. “He acted exactly as I’d have expected him to. He looked a bit different though,” I added, my hopes rising as I remembered his stubble. “He hadn’t shaved for a while, and he’s usually very fussy about shaving.”
He tutted dismissively. “You’re clutching at straws now. Are you telling me you’ve never seen him with a few days of stubble, that the thought would never have crossed your mind?”
“I suppose not. Do you think it was just a normal dream then?”
“It certainly sounds that way to me, Agapiméno. But look at it this way, at least now you have a lovely dream memory. I’m assuming it was quite lovely?” he added with a mischievous grin and I felt myself blush. Time to shut this conversation down.
“Thank you for being here for me, Agapitos Daskalos.” I sounded the words carefully, hoping I’d pronounced them right.
After the first couple of times he’d called me Agapiméno I’d asked him what it meant and he’d just smirked and asked me if ‘the google’ was broken.
With my total lack of experience in spelling Greek words, it had taken me ages to find out what it meant, and I’d been half expecting it to be some kind of variation of slave, so I’d been touched to discover that it meant dear one or cherished one.
I’d spent a bit longer searching for the words to represent a beloved teacher or mentor that I could use when the occasion presented itself.
Surprise, quickly followed by pleasure, flitted across his face when I called him that, making me feel glad I’d made the effort.
“I’m not even going to ask how much practice it took you to get the pronunciation right.” Yay, nailed it. “But I have to say I’m very touched by your thoughtfulness. And as for being here for you, if you ever need me you only have to call me, and I will come to you.”
“It would probably help if you gave me your number then,” I said and he tutted.
“I don’t have a number. Just call my name with intent and I’ll hear it. I will always come if you need me. I give you my word.” That was a bit intense, and I wasn’t sure quite how to respond so I just nodded and said ‘okay, thanks’.
“Good. I’ll see you later then, Mathitevómenos. Don’t be late for work. Oh, and don’t forget your uniform.”
Chuckling to myself, I finished my coffee before venturing downstairs to see if my house guests were up yet.