26. Chloe
CHLOE
Things have shifted between me and Liam. Ever since our night together a month ago things have shifted.
And I think that they shifted in a good way.
I won’t lie and say that we haven’t repeated that night because we have. Almost every night, I wind up in his bed and he makes me feel so damn good that I sleep all through the night which helps when you have a watermelon attached to your body.
Not only am I sleeping in his bed and let him take care of every single urge that my body has, we’ve also been a lot more affectionate towards each other.
We hold hands when we go to the grocery store.
He wraps his arms around me when we sit on the couch and watch Knight game replays or a movie.
And we’ve been kissing each other whenever we want.
That one right there, has taken me some time to get used to but now, I look forward to every single kiss that Liam gives me. No matter how small.
The big question though is, are we together?
And all I can say is, I don’t know.
We’re acting like a couple. We have sex like two individuals that are in a relationship. Hell, I only step into my room to grab a change of clothes.
But we haven’t talked about it.
There hasn’t been any conversation regarding our relationship status and I don’t know if there ever will be.
I made myself clear from the beginning, even before I found out that I was pregnant, that I wasn’t going to jump into a relationship. That I had priorities to take care of.
But now I might unknowingly be in a relationship with someone.
Liam and I should really talk about that.
It’s been something that I’ve been wanting to bring up but something always gets in the way.
But today though, it has to be the day because I’m tired of being unsure.
Unsure of my relationship status isn’t the only thing that has been taking over my mind this morning.
Another thing has been homesickness, something that hit me like a pound of rocks this morning.
In all of my adult life, I can’t remember a time where I was so homesick that just the thought of seeing my mom brought tears to my eyes.
Usually before I got to this point, I would book the first flight to Austin and spend enough time with my family that I can hold myself over until the next time.
But since I put myself on the no fly list because I didn’t want to risk anything, I didn’t go home. Now that I want to, I really can’t because I’m so far along in my pregnancy that Dr. Long says it’s a risk.
I should have taken Liam up on his offer to fly my family here, but I couldn’t do it given everything he’s already done for me and the baby.
Letting me live at his place without paying a dime.
Silently paying for all my doctor visits and blood work. I found out about this one because I called my insurance one day after being told that I didn’t have a copay when I did. They told me that they haven’t received a single thing from my doctor. So I asked Shawna, she told me.
He was doing so much already, I didn’t want to add another thousand dollar bill to it.
I should have pushed pride aside and let him do what he wanted because now it’s hitting me so hard that I’m sobbing looking at my mom’s contact on my phone.
Thank god Liam isn’t home.
Him seeing this meltdown would scar me. He’s already seen one meltdown, he doesn’t need to see another.
I do my best to push down my tears and press on my mom’s name on the screen.
Maybe talking to her for a little bit will help me stop being such a mess.
“Hola, mi nina.” My mom’s voice sounds through, filling my ears.
The second I hear her voice, a sob escapes me.
So much for not being a mess. These hormones are kicking my ads and not taking any prisoners. I hate them so much.
“Hi, mami,” I say, hiccuping through my sobs.
“Chloe, what’s wrong?” instantly my mom’s voice is filled with worry.
I would be worried too if my pregnant daughter called me sobbing.
“Nada, I just miss you.” I say, sniffling and wiping away my tears.
“I miss you too, honey,” she says, and even by hearing her voice I know that she is smiling. “You know that we’ll see each other soon.”
“I know, but I still wish you were close by.” I say through another sniffle.
“Me too, mija, me too,” she says through a sigh.
Being pregnant and living in a different state is not only hard for me, but also hard for my mom.
She has always been a nurturing person, so me being pregnant and her not being able to be there by my side the whole time, hurts her.
Growing up, she always told me that she had wished that her mom had been alive during her pregnancies. That way she would have someone there to guide that wasn’t my dad or a doctor.
That’s how I feel. I have Liam and Betty, but I really wish I could have my mom here too. I can text her and call her every single day, but it’s not the same.
I would love to get a hug from her right now and eat some of her flautas. I’ve been craving my mom’s food so much these last two weeks. I’m so tempted to ignore my doctor’s orders and get on a plane just to have her coffee and maybe tacos de papa.
or maybe if desperation gets to the level, it was a few weeks ago, I can try to convince Liam to take a road trip down to Texas with me.
He would spend countless hours in the car with me and drive across the country to satisfy my cravings, right?
Not with them finishing up the season and possibly going to the playoffs.
“Maybe I can move things around and I can head to Chicago sooner or maybe even stay for longer.” My mom suggests taking me out of my thoughts.
A small smile forms on my lips.
We already talked about this in February, and we have decided, Liam included, that my mom would come stay with us for a little bit leading up to the birth and after.
That way she didn’t miss anything, I had my mom in the room while my insides were getting ripped open, and Liam and I had help figuring things out afterwards.
I would love to have my mom come here sooner, but she’s a school counselor and her school year isn't over yet. So, her coming sooner means that her kids won’t have her if they need anything.
The fact that my due date is in June works out perfectly for her. I just have to hope that our little surprise doesn’t decide to pull a fast on us and come early.
As for the longer part, I will definitely take her up on that.
Liam and I haven’t talked about it yet, but me moving in was only until the baby was born. So when that happens, it would be nice to have my mom there when he’s a few neighborhoods away.
Besides, I don’t know what hockey off-season is like for all I know, he could be gone for weeks.
“You don’t have to come early. It’s okay,” I say, wiping my nose with my sleeve. “But if you want to stay longer, I’m okay with that.”
“Liam wouldn't mind?” She asked.
I told my parents back in December that I was moving in with Liam. Surprisingly they thought that it was a good idea after a FaceTime call with him.
Even though my parents are traditional as hell, or at least I thought that they were, they were completely okay with me living with the man that had gotten me pregnant.
My mom said that it would put her at ease knowing that someone was there looking out for me and taking care of me. My dad agreed.
I just didn’t tell them a small little tidbit about me moving out after the baby is born.
“No, he won’t mind.” I say to her, not mentioning a single thing.
“Okay then we will plan for that.”
My mom and I talk for a few more minutes and as much as I want to say that talking to her helped the whole homesickness thing, I can’t. The second the call ends, I miss her more than when I first called her.
The tears are constant for the few hours. By two o’clock they are no longer tears of being homesick but tears of feeling lonely.
A feeling that I haven’t felt these last few months but all of a sudden is hitting me.
Why?
I see Liam every day.
I see Betty a few times a week, since she has more time now that she officially hung up her pointe shoes after the last winter show.
So I interact with people. I talk to them and spend time with them and I shouldn’t feel like I don’t have anyone in my corner, but I do.
I have people. People that care about me, that love me, that want what’s best for me and that will do anything to help.
But once the baby is here, that might change. I’ll have Betty and my family, but maybe not Liam.
After I leave the hospital, he doesn’t have to worry about me. I will move out, go back to my apartment, and only see Liam where the baby is concerned.
I think that’s making me feel this way.
I’m gaining a kid but I’m losing someone in return.
Someone that has been a pivotal part of my life for the last six months. Someone who has seen me at my worst and best and was even there for me through tears of ripped pants.
Liam became my anchor through it all, one of the most important people in my life, and in five weeks that will disappear.
I didn’t want to get attached but I did.
Wiping at the tears that have escaped my eyes, I start folding the baby clothes that I had washed before calling my mom.
We had a small baby shower last weekend with Betty, a few of our dancer friends and a few of Liam’s teammates and his parents. We got a lot of baby clothes, tutus, hockey jerseys, but most importantly, diapers.
Which we will have for years since Christian and Blake decided that two pallets of diapers and wipes would be the best gift in the world.
I can’t even tell you where diapers are stored. They’re everywhere.
So I thought I would keep myself busy by washing all the little clothes.
As I fold, I separate everything into two piles.
One pile for Liam’s apartment. One pile for mine. Might as well start planning the move now.
My emotions are really trying to knock me out today because even that little thought has me crying.
I try to calm myself down, but nothing helps so I just let the tears flow.
That’s how Liam finds me an hour later as he walks into the apartment after going to a team charity event in the morning. Folding clothes and crying.