Chapter 6 #2
“I’ve been keeping an eye on her for you, Mabel.
That’s one of the reasons why I chose to join Delta instead of staying in the dorms,” he confesses, taking a more serious note.
“I know how much she means to you. You worry about her, but trust me, you have nothing to sweat over. She’s one of the strongest girls I’ve ever met. ”
His words hit the spot because I find myself struggling not to cry. Blinking tears away and unable to speak because there’s a lump in my throat.
“Thank you,” I whisper.
“Of course. She’s like a little sister to me too.”
I don’t have the heart to tell him that Carmen would eat him alive if she heard him saying that. She can barely handle me calling her my little sister, let alone having someone like Aidan doing it as well. So I simply change the subject and ask him what his short film is about.
The minutes pass by too quickly as he talks, because the next thing I know, the buzzer goes off and Aidan looks at me, expectantly.
“So . . . smash or pass?”
Now there’s no hiding that he’s flirting with me. I don’t know how I feel about it. Aidan is a cute guy and clearly is interested in me, but my obnoxious heart can’t forget about Danny. His hold remains lassoed around it, holding me hostage.
Inevitably, I look for Danny in the crowd again.
I find him almost immediately. Though he’s moved a few meters from his original position, he’s still focused on me and my companion.
There’s no sight of the petite blonde he was talking to earlier, and I assume she must’ve gotten away when the buzzer went off. I guess it was a pass.
“I . . .”
“Are you guys smashing or passing?” a black-haired girl cuts me off. She’s staring directly into Aidan’s eyes, slightly pushing out her chest to get his attention. I spend too long forming a word, and it’s all she needs because she grabs his arm and drags him with her. “Perfect, my turn!”
Aidan’s eyes widen, completely blindsided by the girl.
“I’ll see you later!” I tell him, chuckling at the absurdity of the interaction.
I can’t say I’m not relieved by the interruption, because I wasn’t sure how to respond.
While I want to continue catching up with Aidan, I don’t think I have it in me to lead him on.
Nor do I want him to get the wrong idea.
Primarily because he’s been a close friend, but also because my first instinct when he asked was to check Danny’s reaction.
The last thing I want is to give him false hope. It’d be unfair on him.
Considering I’m free to do as I please now, I decide to find Cerys.
I spot her in a corner talking to Bethan.
My friend keeps her brows arched as she listens attentively to what the other girl is saying.
I can’t hear her words, but it must be something important by the way Bethan’s eyes are glistening with unshed tears.
While I want nothing more than to run to Cerys and hug her, they seem to be caught in a deep conversation, so I opt for grabbing a drink in the meantime. I don’t want to interrupt them.
I approach one of the drink stations and ask for a bottle of water with the cap on.
“I’m surprised to see you here.”
Turning my head, I frown at the guy standing next to me.
I don’t recognize him. He’s tall, probably around Danny’s height, with sandy blond hair and a perfect smile that makes him look like a Ken doll.
He’s wearing a white polo shirt, khaki pants and a gold watch that’s probably too expensive for a party like this.
Everything about his cocky stance and attitude screams that he’s one of those guys who can get away with whatever they want because his daddy pays for it.
A guy like Brian Manders.
I clench my jaw and ignore his comment, focusing on the bottle of water.
He laughs. “You have quite the attitude.”
“Do I even know you?”
“Maybe you will after I’m done with you,” he says and then he leans in closer to me. “I always thought Brian wasted his time with that blonde girl. You were much hotter.”
The blood freezes in my veins. Pure disbelief lodges in my system as the initial wave of shock courses through my body. Did I hear him right? Has my paranoia gotten out of hand? Because there’s no fucking way he dared to make that comment.
Who even is he? I don’t remember him, but he clearly knows me.
“What the fuck did you just say?”
If he dares to repeat what he said, I’ll wreck his perfect nose so that he can’t look in a mirror without remembering me.
My fingers clench into a tight fist, making sure I don’t stick my thumb into my palm.
My dad might’ve been too busy with work most of the time, but he taught me how to throw a punch.
I’m ready to do whatever it takes to defend myself.
To my disappointment, the guy just shakes his head mockingly and pushes his body away from the station. I fight the urge to go after him and beat his audacity to a pulp, but I know how easy it is to get on the wrong side of everyone around here. Tonight is not the night for me to lose my temper.
Saliva turns thick and sour in my mouth.
I uncap the bottle, making sure that I’ve broken the seal, and take a long gulp.
Every muscle in my body is tight and hard with accumulated unease.
What is wrong with men and their privilege?
Why do they think they can mock someone’s sexual assault and infer they would’ve preferred it had happened to you instead?
It’s not funny, nor a compliment. It’s insulting, infuriating and demeaning.
Is that how they see us? Like a warmer fleshlight with legs? My chest aches.
“Hey, are you okay?” Danny’s voice somehow manages to both relax and annoy me.
I can’t even shit on the male gender in peace without the universe reminding me that he’s the opposite of everything I hate about men.
It’s almost as if God created him as an apology for giving the male of the species infinite amounts of audacity. “Was he bothering you?”
I tighten my jaw. “Do you know him?”
Danny tilts his head. “He seems familiar, but the name escapes me. What did he do?”
A long sigh abandons me.
“Nothing. He made a distasteful comment about Cerys and now he’s on my shit list,” I mumble.
“I can find out his name for you,” he offers.
I consider it for a moment. But I end up shaking my head.
“It’s not worth it.”
“Let me know if you change your mind.” The part of me that was enraged with men begins to melt at his feet. Why does he have to be so darn sweet and perfect all the time? Isn’t it tiring for him? “Are you having fun tonight?”
I arch a brow at him. Is this his version of making small talk?
“I’m not really here to have fun, remember?”
The sides of his jaw contract as he grinds his molars together. Is there something bothering him? Aside from the obvious concerns of the letters.
“You looked like you were having fun with the guy I saw you with.”
“The asshole from just now?” I spit out.
“No, the one that hugged you and made a scene.”
I scoff, almost choking on my saliva. Surprise jolts through my spine at the hint of bitterness in his words. Throughout our friendship, he’s always been a laidback guy. Never interrogated me about my friends or any of the guys in my life. Why is he doing it now?
“A scene?”
“You know what I mean,” he says.
Do I? Because if I didn’t know better, I would say he’s jealous. And there’s no way in hell he’s jealous of Aidan . . . right?
“I’m not sure I do.” I cross my arms defensively. “Besides, does it matter that I was having fun with Aidan? We’ve been friends for ages.”
Why am I even explaining myself? It’s not relevant and, frankly, it’s none of his business. He shouldn’t be questioning me about it when he was flirting with a girl before.
“Is that his name?”
“You’ve met him before. He was always filming with me, used to hang out with me at the fountain?” I jog his memory.
Danny shrugs. “Can’t say it rings a bell.
” There’s something in his voice that makes me believe he’s lying, but I can’t call him out on it.
Maybe it’s the crinkle in his left eye. “He must’ve not left an impression.
” I gape at him. He’s being completely unrecognizable.
Where is this behavior coming from? Just hours ago, he was being the sweet and kind guy I’ve always known.
This is a new facet of him. After a moment of silence, he says, “Oh, wait, I think I do remember.”
“Yeah.”
“He’s into you,” he points out casually, though there’s nothing casual about his tense expression.
“I gathered that,” I confess, snorting. “But he’s just a friend.”
Danny’s eyes scan my face as if he were trying to catch a hint that I’m not being truthful. But I’m not hiding anything. Aidan is nothing more than a friend and that won’t change regardless of how he might feel about me.
“Just a friend,” he repeats, his voice straining like he’s forcing the words out of his mouth.
“Yup. Like I was to you.” The words roll off my tongue before I can do anything to hold them back.
“What do you mean?” Danny questions as he turns briefly to ask for a soda.
Like me, he’s taking the sober route tonight.
“Nothing,” I mutter quickly. “Why aren’t you taking advantage of the night?” Changing the subject is such a cop-out, but I find myself too close to an edge I can’t back away from. It’s too revealing. “Find a girl to talk to before the buzzer goes off again?”
Danny moves his head to the side. “Who says I’m not doing that already?”
My heart races at his unexpected response.
He shoves his hand into his pocket, pulls something out, and gestures for me to take it.
I frown as I grab the small Ziplock bag. It’s full of green apple gummies. There would have been other flavors in the bag, but Danny has taken the time to pick out the ones I like best.
“Those are still your favorite, right?” he asks, his brows arching like he’s begging for a hint of validation.
I end up taking a step back, hoping the distance will give me some perspective. Are my feelings clouding my judgment or did he mean what I think he meant? The gentle flirting and bringing me my favorite candy are confusing.
I look up from the candy to stare deep into Danny’s eyes.
They’ve softened around the edges now that we’re not discussing Aidan and he’s solely focused on me.
I hope to find the answer I desperately seek in his gaze, but what I see there only makes the hazy confusion thicken between us.
There’s a layer of intensity in his pupils, mixing with flashes of memories of The Incident.
When I chose to kiss him on an alcohol-induced impulse.
It’s the same kind of gaze, the same level of yearning swimming in the honey of his irises.
What does it all mean? Because he can’t use the same gaze he had when he rejected me to flirt with me tonight. It doesn’t work that way.
Or maybe I’m the problem and he can’t figure out what he wants because there’s something wrong with me.
I’m aware of my flaws. My personality comes off as rude and blunt, as I’ve had to wear thick layers of protection to avoid being hurt by the world.
I’m avoidant. My flight or fight instinct constantly leans towards the former rather than the latter.
And physically . . . Well, I wouldn’t consider myself ugly, but I don’t even know what his preferences are. For all I know, his type is the girl he was talking to earlier. She was petite and blonde. Everything I’m not.
So why is he doing this?
“Do you think I’m ugly?”
This is not what I meant to say. Honestly, it might be the worst possible conversation starter, but it still opens the door to the conversation we need to have. This is my way of jumping off the edge I was hanging on to. I want to know the truth.
I’ve run away from it for far too long.
By now, it’s no longer just curiosity; it’s a need.
A need to understand why he’s giving me mixed signals, like a stoplight that has all its lights flashing at the same time.
The mixture of red, yellow and green becomes a dizzying and confusing mess.
How should I act when I’m unsure of how to proceed?
Do I stop my advances, proceed with caution, press the pedal on the gas and carry on? Maybe not the latter.
The last time I threw myself at him, it all went wrong. I lost a friend.
“What?” Danny blinks, confusion permeating his expression.
“You heard me,” I say, not daring to form the question again. “It’s fine if you think I am. It’s nothing personal and it won’t ruin my life.” Though it might hurt my ego. “I just need to know.”
Danny’s shoulders drop an inch as his eyes roam over my face, his head tilting slightly to the side. He appears to be taken aback by the conversation, like he can’t fully piece together where this is coming from.
I stand awkwardly in front of him as he inspects my looks, making up his mind. Insecurity creeps into my brain. Is he trying to figure out a gentle way to say I’m not pretty enough for him?
“No, Mabel, I don’t think you’re ugly,” he says a moment later. “In fact, I think you’re quite beautiful.”
His words make my heart flutter and heat rush to my cheeks.
I push through the symptoms of my lovesick soul.
This is the first time I’ve felt brave enough to confront him about The Incident.
Maybe because we might not see each other again after tonight, living as we do on opposite sides of the country.
Or maybe it’s the influence of the party with its hearts and romance, forcing me to face one of the biggest regrets I have.
This is my chance to let it go completely.
I can’t move on and find someone else when I have this uncertainty haunting me and holding me back.
That much became clear when Aidan was flirting with me, and I couldn’t even try because I was too focused on Danny.
He’s going to keep on holding me back.
I push the candy into the back pocket of my jeans and arm myself with all the courage I can summon to articulate the next question.
“Am I a bad kisser, then?”