Chapter 41
FORTY-ONE
Elle
LIKE AN ADDICT SCRAMBLING FOR their next fix, I spent my time alone in Austin’s office looking for anything that could numb my unknowing until he returned. I couldn’t access his password-protected computer or get into his locked filing cabinets, which defeated me.
“I can explain everything. It will all make sense.” Austin’s empty words replayed in my brain, taunting me.
I needed clarity like I needed air. Only he was the air that had kept me alive since Jesse.
Had I foolishly allowed him to steal my breath and revive me at the same time?
My hands quivered while I inventoried the small room for anything useful.
A metallic flash near the ceiling caught my attention, drawing me toward the tall mahogany bookshelf against the wall next to Austin’s desktop.
Five bracketed shelves—overflowing with accolades, historical books, and figurines—faced me.
The first four shelves were filled with Blue Angel mini models, a globe crafted from opalescent pearl and jade, and handwritten letters addressed to Chief Petty Officer Carterson, thanking him for his contributions to the naval boot-camp program.
The top shelf housed a lone, framed photo of a couple, who I recognized from some of the pictures that hung at his house on Haroldeen Lane. His grandparents.
The one in his office was different though.
Framed in pewter, the dapper couple, captured in black-and-white, embraced on their wedding day.
Their love radiated from the glass-preserved memory, tapping into my unease.
Austin’s grandparents had saved his life.
I wanted to believe he was as good as they had been made out to be—that he sought a love like the one they shared.
Too often though, photos of strangers concealed things the naked eye could never see.
I assumed the one staring back at me was no different.
I pulled the photo off the shelf to get a closer look, revealing a deep tin, the size of a shoebox, situated behind it.
After grabbing it and flinching at its impressive weight, I placed it on Austin’s desk before settling into his chair.
Before removing the lid, I closed my eyes and found a deep breath.
No matter what, you’ll be okay … I thought.
The contents of the box said the opposite. The stack of letters I’d written to Jesse sat neatly piled inside.
Every letter.
Every photo.
Every detail of my life over the past two months had been stolen and stuffed into the box my adrenaline-weakened hands could barely grasp, a metallic prison holding the most intimate parts of me.
“No,” I released. “This doesn’t make sense …”
Since I’d arrived, my heart had endured so much pain, my spirit drained. I’d be damned if I didn’t take back what was rightfully mine, this time without the help of a man.
Austin wasn’t my knight in shining armor after all.
He couldn’t be the villain—Jesse had already filled that role.
The role of jester was up for grabs though, and if Austin wanted to play games, the queen of hearts was ready to meet him at the front gates with ropes made of velvet to strangle him with.
I vowed never to allow someone to trick, deceive, or turn me into a love-blind fool ever again.
I collected the letters and photos of myself and stuffed half into my purse and the other half into the pockets of my coat, replacing the tin box and wedding photo on the shelf where I’d found them. My discovery didn’t explain everything, but it explained enough.
Enough pouring my all into people who couldn’t be trusted.
Enough questioning my future.
Enough allowing others to dictate how I felt.
Enough.
I’m not calm, no one is safe, we’re better alone than together. My mantra might have changed, but one thing remained the same: I needed a way to cope.
I chose the strategy I should have explored when I realized Jesse wasn’t at his graduation.
I left.