Chapter 38
Chapter Thirty-Eight
Molly
“Hey, Dollface.”
I jump in my chair with a surprised yelp, spilling coffee down the front of my fleece robe. “Holy crap, Blake. You scared me.”
“Hey, Mom,” Matty pops out from behind his dad, handing me a wad of paper towels.
“What are you guys doing here?” I take them from him and start blotting the front of my robe. Matty is supposed to be staying with Blake until school starts back up again next week. “I might have to confiscate everyone’s keys to avoid third-degree burns.”
“Sorry about that,” Blake says, resting a hand on Matty’s head. “The spawn forgot his headphones.”
Matty steps toward the hall but stops at the last second and turns to me, giving me a quick hug before rocketing off again.
I watch him go and turn to Blake. “A hug? What did you do to him?”
“Let’s just say we had a long heart-to-heart last night, and he’s working on some feelings.”
My chest tightens. “Is everything okay?” I gesture for my ex to sit down while I grab another mug from the cabinet and fill it with hot coffee.
“Yeah.” He pauses, extending his long legs under the table. “I think it will be, that is.”
I hand him the fresh mug and slide back into my chair across from him. “That sounds cryptic. What happened?”
But instead of answering, Blake studies me for a minute and runs a hand through his hair before asking, “You and Bobby still taking a break?”
“Can we not talk about that? I’d rather talk about our son.” It’s been damn near impossible to keep the man out of my head as it is. My insomnia has gotten even worse because of all the intrusive thoughts. I finally decided at four-thirty this morning that I might need to get a cat after all. Allergies be damned, I need someone to keep me company in bed.
Blake lets out a long exhale and ignores my wishes entirely. “You know, I think I judged Bobby without getting to know him. I saw his age and his social status and made assumptions about him. About you and him. About his influence on Matty. A lot of things.”
I give up on salvaging my robe and drop the paper towels to the table. “Blake, I’m happy you’re on a journey of self-discovery and all, but what does this have to do with Matty?”
He doesn’t appear to hear me. “You know, you spend a lot more time and energy making sure everyone else is okay than making sure you ’ re okay.”
I shrug because that pretty much describes every mom I know.
“Even with our divorce, you were more concerned about me and Matty, and I let that happen. I was selfish.” He spins his coffee mug on the table in front of him, eyes trained on the movement.
“Blake, you didn’t wake up one day and decide to be gay,” I remind him.
“No, but I made it all about me—and Matty, to some extent. I didn’t focus enough on how it must have felt for you . I knew it hurt you, but looking back, I think I was more worried about you being mad at me than you being genuinely okay.” He meets my eyes again. “I’m really sorry, Molly.”
I reach out to lay my hand over one of his. “It’s been hard on everyone. And it was a huge struggle for you, so don’t downplay it.”
“Right back atcha, Dollface.” He flips our hands over so he’s holding mine now. “Don’t downplay how it all affected you either, especially considering the number your parents did on you. You spend your life waiting for the other shoe to drop, and I was supposed to keep that from happening. Then I basically smacked you in the face with the damn shoe!”
Since he did not, in fact, hit me in the face with any shoe, metaphorical or otherwise, I move to protest. But he holds his free hand up. “I know I didn’t choose to be gay, and I didn’t take the whole thing lightly, but deep down I knew, even when I asked you to marry me, I think. And that’s on me.”
“Blake, I don’t regret our years together. You’re my best friend. And you gave me Matty.”
“I don’t regret it either, but I do regret that I hurt you and made it even harder for you to trust yourself and other people.”
I shrug again because...that’s life. “I’m just wired to be wary, I guess.”
“Yeah. About that...” He gently disentangles our hands and brings his mug to his lips for a sip.
“What?”
He speaks over the rim of his mug. “Ramona might have mentioned on Christmas that Bobby asked you and Matty to move in with him, and you freaked.”
I gasp. “She had no business telling you that.”
“Well, I’m glad she did because...I’m pretty sure it’s my fault.”
I pull my head back and eye him. “How could that possibly be your fault? I just said I’m wired to be wary, and that started well before our marriage crashed and burned.”
“Bobby called me,” Blake confesses.
“Wait. When? Why? ” What would possess my boyfriend to call my ex-husband?
“A few days before Christmas, he called asking for my advice because he felt you slipping away. I told him you needed to feel secure in his feelings for you so you wouldn’t wonder if he was all in or not.”
My jaw drops. “So you told him to ask me to move in with him?!”
“No! I swear I didn’t know he was going to do that. I thought maybe he needed to spell out his feelings or something. Maybe go public with your relationship? I don’t know.” Blake shakes his head.
“Look, Blake, I was already putting distance between us before he asked me that. There were a lot of reasons.”
He rolls his eyes. “So, you don’t love him?” When I don’t respond, he jabs a finger in my direction. “You do love him. Well, holy shit.”
I glance behind me toward the hall to make sure Matty isn’t listening. “This doesn’t change anything, Blake,” I whisper-hiss.
He doesn’t bother to whisper his response. “As far as I can tell, the guy is out of his fucking mind over you. So, what’s the problem?”
I cough out a laugh and chug the remains of my coffee. “Come on, Blake. We live in the real world. Bobby is basically a movie star. Our kinds don’t end up together.” I slam the mug to the table to punctuate my point.
Blake is unimpressed. “Why not? Two years ago, I was married to a beautiful woman, and today I own a dog with a man who posed for last year’s first responders calendar.”
I cock my head. “I could have guessed that about Luke. Those biceps.”
“Stop trying to distract me when I’m making an important point.”
“And what point is that?” I ask as I stand to take my mug to the sink. I hesitate at the last second and grab Blake’s from his hand as well.
“Hey! I was drinking that.”
If he’s going to lecture me in my own kitchen, I’m taking his coffee.
Unfortunately, he continues with whatever point he’s trying to make. “I could have stayed married to you and pretended for the rest of my life.”
“And we both would have been miserable,” I reply over the running water in the sink.
“It was the safe option. To stick with the status quo and not take the leap to be true to myself. I blew up our lives to live my truth.”
This is ridiculous. I shut off the water and turn to my ex as I slump back into the counter. “And I’m glad you did. It all worked out for the best.”
“I know. And I can’t tell you how happy I am that I took the chance and didn’t stay in the closet my whole damn life just because coming out would make life messy.”
I know where he’s going with this. “That’s different. That was about being your true self.”
“And it feels pretty fucking good to be unafraid to live the life I want. I highly recommend it.”
“Yeah, Mom.” We both turn to see Matty standing in the doorway. “Life is messy. Dad’s gay. You love a hockey player. We can’t just give up when things get scary. Everyone makes mistakes and then we forgive each other and move on.”
“Come here, kid.” I extend my arms and Matty moves in for a hug. When he finally pulls back, I grab both his forearms and take a good long look at his handsome face, those boyish features that will be too grown up far too soon. “I’d never give up on you , no matter what.”
“I know. Dad said the same thing when I confessed something big to him last night.” Matty and I both glance to Blake, and he nods to Matty. Our son drops his eyes to his feet and swallows hard.
“What’s going on?” I ask.
“It’s the Raiden thing.” Matty meets my eyes again. “At first, I didn’t want you guys to know anything about it, but my temper got in the way and that plan went out the window. I got in trouble for fighting, I’m sure you remember.” I fight a grin when he studies my expression. “And then you seemed kind of proud of me when you found out I was only involved because I was sticking up for another kid.” His eyes drop to his feet again. “A gay kid.”
I glance at Blake in confusion. I know all of this already. Blake gestures for me to be patient and listen, so I do.
“But that’s not the whole truth, and I’ve been struggling pretty hard with it until last night when I got mad at Dad’s place and it all just...came out.”
“What is it?” I squeeze his arms. “You know you can tell us anything, Matthew.”
“I know. I was just...ashamed.” He swallows thickly. “I mean, I did stand up for Grant. But then Raiden said, ‘If you’re sticking up for him, you must be gay too!’ and I...I...denied it and yelled back, ‘I’m not gay!’ like it was something bad. And then every time he’d say it, I’d deny it over and over.”
I look back and forth between my son and Blake. I have no idea what he’s trying to confess here. Is he saying he’s gay? I don’t even know how far along in adolescence he is to be feeling anything in any direction. Is he worried I’d be...upset? “Matthew, I’m afraid I don’t quite understand.”
“He felt like he was betraying me every time he denied being gay.”
I let out a sigh. “I see now.”
“Like, I don’t think I am?” Matty’s face screws up. “I don’t really know anything about it, if I’m being honest. I mean, I don’t like dudes or girls in that way.” I suppress a grin as he continues. “But if that’s something a kid gets bullied over, I didn’t want any part of it. And that’s not fair to Dad.”
“But you’re not ashamed of your dad because he ’ s gay, right?” I ask Matty just to make sure we’re all on the same page.
“No,” he responds. “It’s just something that makes him who he is. Like being a kickass guitar player.”
“Language,” I remind him, though it’s hard to be mad.
“Sorry.” He sobers again. “But if Raiden had said I was a kickass guitar player—even though I’m not yet—I wouldn’t have been quick to deny it like I was about the gay thing.”
“You’re right. Being gay or bi or straight is nothing to be ashamed about. It’s something to be celebrated because it’s part of who a person is. But you’re twelve, kiddo. Don’t be so hard on yourself. You’re still figuring all this stuff out.”
“And we have a plan, right?” Blake prompts.
Matty nods and musters a half grin. “Next time Raiden says I’m gay, I’m gonna look at him and laugh and say, ‘Nobody cares besides you, so why do you keep talking about it?’ Then, if he still tries to fight me, I’m gonna stay calm and take deep breaths like Bobby taught me. But hopefully he’s done bullying us after our soda trick.”
It pains me that after all the care I took to give my kid a worry-free childhood, he still ended up getting bullied anyway. I hate that I can’t protect him from everything.
As if reading my mind, Blake says, “It’s all going to be okay. You’ll see.”
“Yeah. I mean, if none of this had happened, Grant and I wouldn’t be friends, and he’s really cool to hang with. So, sometimes things happen for a reason, I guess.” Matty shrugs and I muss his hair.
“It’s good to have people to lean on. And I’m glad you finally told us about what’s been going on. Feels better to let it all out, right?”
“Andrew, my counselor, says that I probably tend to take out my troubles on you guys because I know deep down you’ll never abandon me. You’ll always forgive me and want me no matter how hard I try to push you away.”
“Andrew sounds like a smart guy,” Blake says with a grin that’s a carbon copy of Matty’s.
“Yup. We’ll never give up on you, kid,” I agree.
“I won’t give up on you either,” Matty says. “And neither will Bobby, so you can’t give up on him.”
I open my mouth to protest, but Blake beats me to it. “I agree.”
“Guys,” I begin, not sure what I can say to make a dent.
“Mom, he loves you. It’s soooo obvious. And I know you love him too. Why don’t you want to be happy?”
I stare at my child, feeling dumbfounded. Does he really think I don’t want to be happy? That I’m actively avoiding it? That’s a horrible example to set.
“Matthew, I am happy,” I start to reassure him, desperate to fix this.
“Not like you are when Bobby’s around.”
“It’s . . . complicated.” Even I am unimpressed with my reply.
“No, it’s really not,” Blake says, his grin turning annoyingly smug. “Who wants to spend the rest of their life wondering what if? Is that what you would have wanted for me?”
Dammit! I really hate it when other people have a point.
I grimace and watch my ex and my son through narrowed eyes. “I’m guessing you have a plan in mind?”
When their mouths spread in identical grins, I swallow hard and prepare my parachute. Looks like I’m about to jump.