Chapter 20
CHAPTER TWENTY
ERIN
“ T his is the worst news,” I tell Liza, trying to hold it together.
I never thought I'd be staring at a scan picture of a child that was growing inside me, and feel pain.
“It’s not the worst news, it just makes things a little more complicated.” Liza tries her best to sound upbeat.
“Things were complicated enough.” I get into her car and close my eyes, hoping that when I open them, I’ll be back at home with Luke and all this will have been a nightmare. But when I reopen them, I’m still in Liza’s car and the picture of Matthew’s baby is still in my hand.
“You're gonna love this kid no matter what; it’s built into us. Mother Nature, and all that.” Liza starts her engine and starts heading for home.
I know what she says is true…. in most cases.
But she’s not carrying the child of a monster; hers may not have been conceived through love, but it wasn’t forced inside her by a man who abused her.
How am I ever going to love a child that belongs to him?
“I don’t know how you did all that by yourself. You should have let me come to your appointment with you.” I change the subject when I start feeling sick again.
“It was no big deal.” She shrugs, driving us toward home.
“Well, it was to me, and it meant the world that you were there,” I tell her, grateful that she took the morning off work to come with me for moral support.
“I was so sick this morning, I’m sure it was all from nerves,” I admit, feeling like I could puke again any moment. I can’t keep lying to Luke. I'm gonna have to tell him the truth, and when I do, I know I’m gonna lose him.
“It’ll be fine. Just remember, I’m here for you,” Liza reassures me.
“I feel so selfish, you got problems of your own. I can’t believe we’ve got ourselves into this.” I rest my head back against the seat. “At least we’re in it together, huh?” I roll my head so I’m facing her and manage a smile.
“It’s a welcome distraction,” she tells me with a long, heavy sigh that tells me that the weight on her shoulders is just as heavy as mine.
I expect to find the house empty when I get home, so I’m surprised to hear the shower going.
I take a seat at the table and decide to wait for Luke to come out.
I can’t lie to him anymore. I can’t pretend that everything's okay when I know all this happiness is going to be pulled away from me. I’m telling him right now, before I have a chance to change my mind.
The first thing I notice when he steps out the bathroom is the state his hands are in, his knuckles are bleeding, and the ball of clothes he’s got under his arm is covered in blood, too.
“Luke, what happened?” I rush over to him, checking him for injury, but other than his torn, open knuckles, there doesn't seem to be any.
“I had a fight with a bull.” He laughs as he looks down at his knuckles and pulls his hands out of mine.
“Where did all this blood come from?” I take the clothes off him.
“Don’t touch those!” he yells, snatching them right back out of my hands and carrying them over to the machine.
“Luke, you need to tell me what happened.”
“You didn’t wanna tell me where you were going earlier; I guess we’re all entitled to our secrets.” He fixes the dial and gets it going, then turns to look at me like he’s waiting on an explanation.
“I think you should sit down.” I start rubbing my temple when I feel my head start spinning.
“I’m good standing.” He folds his arms over his chest, and I try not to cry as I start to explain.
“I found something out yesterday, and today I had it confirmed.” I watch his brow furrow deep as he waits for further explanation.
“I’m…pregnant.” I let the words release and brace myself for his disappointment.
“You found out yesterday, and you had it confirmed?” he checks, confusing me when I notice the slight twitch his lips make.
“Yeah, I went to one of those private clinics and got a sonogram.” I take the picture from my back pocket and lay it out on the table as evidence.
“Holy fuckin’ hell!” He slams his hand over his mouth and laughs, before charging at me and scooping me up off my feet. My head spins even more when he twirls me around and kisses all the air out of my lungs.
“Luke. Luke. Put me down!” I shriek, completely shocked by the reaction I’m getting
“Oh, shit.” He carefully places me back down on my feet and takes my face in his hands. “I didn’t hurt you, did I?” His eyes frantically check me over.
“No, you didn’t hurt me, but we do need to talk.” His excitement is making this even more heartbreaking, and getting a little glimpse at how happy he would be if things were different makes me even more devastated that the baby I’m carrying isn’t his.
“Luke, I’m sorry, but the scan showed that I’m eleven weeks.” My voice cracks as I break it to him, and I slowly watch the spark fade from his eyes as he takes in what that means.
“I see…” He slowly nods his head and tenses his jaw, trying hard to disguise how hurt he is.
“I’m sorry. I only kept it from you for one day, and that's because I wanted to be sure. Luke, I wanted it to be yours.” I burst into tears, and when I feel him scoop me up in his strong arms, it only causes me to sob even louder.
“Hey, come on, don’t get all upset. It’s not good for ya.” He keeps me tight against him as he strokes his hand through my hair. “It’s gonna be okay. It’s gonna be fine.”
“How can it be fine when I’m gonna lose you?” I hear the distress in my voice as I pull away. “I can’t. I…I.”
“Whoever said anything about you losing me?” he questions, shaking his head and smiling. Granted, it’s not as wide as the one he was wearing a few minutes ago, but it’s a smile nonetheless.
“You understand what I’m telling you, don’t you?” I check, taking his arm in my hands and clinging to it just in case I’m imagining all this.
“I understand, Erin,” he assures me, taking his free hand and placing it over my tummy. “I’m gonna be an uncle.” He shrugs. “It’s gonna be a little hard to explain that I’m also gonna be the kid's father, but we’ll figure it out,” he tells me in that calm, soothing tone of his.
“You want that? To be its dad?”
“Well, I sure as hell don’t want anyone else to be. Unless you wanna get Koben back here to make you another offer.” He laughs, and I grab the man by his face and kiss him so hard I choke on my happy tears at the same time.
“No. I don’t want that at all. All I want is you and me.” I look down between us to where his hand is still resting. “Luke, I’ve been so scared,” I admit.
“Scared of what?”
“Losing you; having a baby that's his. I don’t know how I'm gonna love it.” I sit down when the giddy feeling in my head starts to make the room spin
“Now that's the most stupid thing I ever heard.” He kneels down in front of me and takes both my hands. “You are gonna love the hell outta this baby, Erin. You're gonna love it because it’s half yours, and because we are gonna raise it to be a beautiful human, just like its mom.” He wipes the tears from my eyes and somehow makes all the doubts inside me vanish. He’s right, of course, I’m gonna love my baby.
How could I ever blame a defenceless child for the sins of its father?
I was brought into this world by monsters, but I never became one.
“I thought you’d be angry.”
“Angry? This isn’t your fault, Erin. This isn’t your kid’s fault either. But we’re one hundred percent making sure that the next one’s mine.” He raises an eyebrow at me cheekily, and I smack him on the chest and laugh.
“Let’s see how we go with this one first,” I tell him, unable to stop smiling. Of all the ways I imagined this conversation to go, I never expected this.
“You know I’m kidding, right? I’m this baby’s father,” he tells me, stroking his hand over my tummy again and making it flutter with pure joy. “I’m gonna go get dressed, then I’ll head into town and pick up something from Dolores’ diner.” He kisses me before standing up and heading to his room.
“Luke,” I call after him, and when he turns his handsome face around, I smile. “I love you.”
“Always have, always gonna.” He winks back at me, closing the door behind him, and when I’m alone, I look down at my flat stomach and for the first time since I saw that pink line, I feel excitement.
“And that's gonna be your daddy,” I whisper with a smile on my face so wide, it aches my cheeks.