Chapter 13
T his morning I woke up with a pounding in my head and a weight on my chest. Poor Knox, that look on his face, I’ll never forget it as long as I live. Things were worse than I’d originally thought.
Scott and I had talked about the way Knox was ignoring Casey and Coralie, and I feared now he’d seen Wren and me together, and not just in Cupcake, he’d think Scott was taking sides too.
The issue was that none of us were.
I wanted to reach out to him, but I knew he was shutting down right there in front of me and calling him and trying to explain would make this all a lot worse.
I blew out a huffed breath. Last night was one big fat disaster.
Watching Wren crash and burn hadn’t been fun either. By the end of the night, she’d shored herself up and was determined to try again, but that had taken a lot of encouragement and a ton of alcohol.
There was a feeling I couldn’t shake though.
Through the tears, the expletives, the pining, and anger, I realized there was part of me that envied that do-or-die mentality of hers.
Sure, she was hurting, but she wasn’t going down without a fight was she?
She was going after what she wanted and, come what may, that meant she was moving forward.
She wasn’t stagnant, she wasn’t stuck, and she certainly wasn’t going to stay chained in the past.
I wanted some of that grit.
I’d succeed in making my career goals a reality. I loved being a small business owner, and financially I was headed in the right direction. I was getting to know myself better, was becoming more settled in my own skin.
But my social life, or more accurately my love life, was in tatters. I worked my days around my best friend’s schedule. I basically busied myself until he was free to spend time with me.
Don’t get me wrong, I knew I was lucky to have Scott in my life. How many other people could say the first friendship they’d ever made would still be as strong today as it was in kindergarten?
We’d grown together, become pretty decent people together, navigated higher education and the beginning of adulthood together.
But now we were just existing. Or at least I was.
I stared harder into the mirror.
What are you doing, Jenna? What. Are. You. Doing?
My reflection didn’t hold any answers, just stood looking at me the way I was looking at her.
Enough.
It was time to start growing again. It was time to make a new plan.
A plan for future Jenna.
I wasn’t going to look back all alone at ninety and think well at least I was a good friend .
I mean, obviously I wanted to be a good friend, I just meant that couldn’t be my defining quality. I also wanted to be a good wife and a good mom. I wanted to have traveled and learned and lived a good life.
Last night had been a wake-up call. I knew it, but still, my head whirled as I took two Tylenol and a quick shower.
As the water sluiced over my tired body, I knew what I had to do. It wasn’t as brave as Wren’s full-throttle approach, but it would give me an idea of what my next plan was going to be.
I was going to give Scott an in .
I was going to tell him I needed something more. That it was time to open myself up and be a bit more receptive to the possibilities of romance. I mean, I wouldn’t say it like that, but it meant that he’d know I was ready.
If he took the bait, then I’d finally know he had feelings for me too. If he didn’t, maybe it would set me free.
I was beginning to like this idea more and more. It seemed safer than blurting out,
“I’ve loved you my whole life, please love me back.”
Ugh, no, this was safer—it would keep our friendship intact but give me the answers I needed.
Better I cut the cord this way than have him fall for someone else while I was still pining for him. I wasn’t going to be Julia Roberts in My Best Friend’s Wedding , but I wasn’t going to harbor these feelings anymore either.
You could fall out of love with someone right?
Right.
Yes, Jenna. This was going to work .
One way or another, this was going to work.
The Tylenol kicked in and I was dressed and ready for a morning of baking.
Baker’s gotta bake and all that.
I tied my hair back from my face and headed downstairs, skipped across the four steps to Cupcake, and took a nice deep breath as I entered the shop.
“Buongiorno,” I greeted Kate with a flair of my hand. She looked up from her perch at the counter. She probably had her phone or a textbook stashed where customers couldn’t see on the built-in shelf below.
“Well, look at you, strolling in here past 8 a.m. I like this new you.”
“Yep, new me.”
“Yes! Taking vacations. Going out on a Friday night. It’s good for you. Well, I mean I wouldn’t do it every night, but once in a while can’t hurt, can it?”
“No, I think you’re right. It won’t hurt now and again.”
“So, tell me about this morning,” I said as I took in the café.
“Not really much to tell . . . In a good way,” she added quickly.
It was empty in here. Poor Kate.
“We had a bagel rush about half an hour ago. Pastries too. But I think everyone is having a sleep-in kind of day and Seb took off twenty minutes ago.”
Good. I wanted the kitchen all to myself and I knew he’d have done everything he possibly could this morning. This new recipe wasn’t going to take me down. Today I was going to nail the lavender Crème Patissière alternative if it killed me.
“What did that shit do?” came a roar from behind me as I spilled lavender essence all over my hand.
“Scott.” I shook my head. “Don’t worry about it.”
I didn’t need to ask him to know what had gotten him into such a tizz.
“No. How fuckin’ dare he. Wren said he completely iced you out.”
“He’s hurting. Just leave it be.”
I felt sorry for him. I couldn’t imagine this was easy.
“I don’t want to leave it be! Nobody talks to you like that. Nobody.” He raged, punching at his phone, Knox’s name flashed across the screen and he lifted it to his ear. His face grew menacing as he was swiftly diverted to voicemail.
“You fucking call me back, Ace, so help me God, you little shit.”
He exited the call and slammed his phone down on the counter. “Goddammit, Knox!”
“Hey, calm down,” I said, moving toward him.
“You’re practically his sister,” Scott seethed. “He saw you, what, every day for nearly fifteen years growing up and then at every significant and non-significant event in our families lives . . .”
There was that flashing neon sign that said platonic again. He just called me his sister. AGAIN.
My stomach plummeted as he continued.
“And this pity party of his is pathetic. Talk to the girl, don’t talk to the girl, but don’t treat your family like shit. You don’t treat my Jenna like that. That kid is cruising for a bruising.”
I rolled my eyes. “Okay, Danny Zuko, that’s enough.”
“I’m fine.” He took a deep breath. “I just can’t have him upsetting you, Jenna. I just can’t.”
“Oh, come on. It’s okay. His heart was broken and we’ve all just dredged up some feelings he’d rather run from. Okay? Surely you can see it from his point of view.”
He huffed again but nodded.
“Now go get the kid,” I told him. I was really looking forward to some Jack time.
Then I had a better idea.
“In fact, you know what? Sod it.”
I returned the eggs to their little compartments.
“Sod it?” It was Scott who chuckled this time. “Those words are addictive, huh?”
“Honestly they say them once and I’m hooked.”
Lexie and Anna were always dropping these English curses and I just loved them.
“Okay, what are you sodding?”
I scrunched up my nose. “That can’t be right.” It definitely didn’t sound right.
Now Scott rolled his eyes. “Just answer the question, Jenna.”
“I’m coming with you. It’s a nice day for a drive and I think I’ve seen the inside of this kitchen enough this week, don’t you?”
He nodded. “Okay, I’ll help you reset.”
I flashed him a playful wink. “I love it when you talk prep to me.”
His ears tinged pink and I hid my growing smile.
“What’s your type?” I asked him as he reversed his truck out of his parking spot.
“Huh?”
I shrugged. “What type of girls do you go for? I mean, Briany Stevens, junior year, was blonde and tall. Roxanne Willows was shorter than me, and a brunette. That girl at Penn, gosh, what was her name?”
“Monica,” he gruffed out.
I snapped my fingers. “That was it. She was?—”
“Where are you going with this?” he interrupted.
“I haven’t seen you with a woman in a long time. Are you seeing anyone at the minute?”
His brow furrowed. “When would I be doing that? Unless I’m at work, I’m with you. When would I have time to see other women?”
“That’s just it Scott—you said other women like we’re in a relationship. Aren’t you lonely?”
“Again, why would I be lonely when I have you?”
“But”—I shook my head—“we’re not physical. We’re not dating.”
“Well, I know that.”
“Don’t you think that’s strange?”
“No.”
“Don’t you have needs?”
He blushed. If I wasn’t so worried about where I was intending to steer this conversation I’d have laughed.
This big bruiser was blushing over the word “physical.”
“I get by,” he said gruffly.
I had to will myself not to react, so I just went for it.
“Well, that’s exactly what I’m talking about. We’re nearly thirty. We should be having all the sex we can get.”
He choked on nothing. “Excuse me?”
“Look, I’m living the life I always dreamed of. I got everything I wanted. Now it’s time for phase two.”
“Phase two,” he repeated robotically.
“Yes. Phase two. Time to work on other aspects of my life.”
“Like sex.”
“Well, no, maybe not straight away. But maybe putting myself out there a little more. Know what I mean?”
“I . . . think so,” he grimaced. Was it that awful to talk about me and sex in the same sentence? Was I that unappealing to him?
I needed to push harder. So I did. With all the courage I could muster, I took a deep breath, plastered on a thinking face, and rambled.
“Okay, so you think I should start dating? Do you think I should sign up for an app? Or like Bumble or Tind?—”
“No!” Scott barked and my head snapped to him. I had to do a double take, though, because he’d turned a deep shade of red.
“Okaaaay,” I drew out, frowning. “I suppose that does seem like quite a big step. I’ll speak to Kate, oh, or Jason. They’ll know what I should do.”
My insides rioted and begged for him to open his eyes and hear what I was really trying to say. But either he couldn’t hear me or didn’t want to, so I just continued on.
“Hmm, maybe I should just think about being more open to opportunities. Like, what if someone has been flirting with me and I’ve never noticed? That kind of thing should register, huh? Perhaps I should finally ask Seb if he wants to cover more than two mornings a week. You’re always telling me I work too hard. Too many hours.”
“Uh-huh.” Was that panic I saw flash across his face? He was in profile, but I swear it was there. Or maybe it was my hopeful imagination getting the better of me.
I doubled down.
“Okay, so I’ll just be more mindful. Get myself into a good vibration—or whatever it is. Yes. Good talk. Thank you. Oh, and you should do the same. You’re not getting any younger.” And because I was feeling a little riled up, I sent him a wink and stomped my feet in the footwell.
“I’m excited.”
He nodded . . . and nodded . . . and then nodded some more. Jaw clenched. Lips tight.
Say something, I screamed inside.
Say. Anything.
But he stayed silent as he navigated the car through Gunner and Coralie’s gates.
The air was thick inside his cab, and I felt like my heart was beating outside of my chest, it was so loud.
I took his deafening silence as the green light to pursue dating.
Dating other men.
Men who weren’t Scott.
I wanted to cry, but I held it together.
“Ooop. Looks like our little guy is ready.” I pointed out the windshield to where Jack was standing in the doorway, backpack over his shoulder, and Biscuit the dog sitting next to him.
I reached for the door handle at the same time Scott’s hand pulled me back to look at him.
I sucked in a breath, too scared to release it.
Was this it? The moment I’d been waiting what felt like my whole life for?
“You should get out there, Jenna. You deserve to live your life to the fullest. I do think you should cut down your hours, even if it’s just for a couple more mornings, you’ll burn out otherwise. And as for the dating thing . . .” He swallowed, and I waited.
His eyes zipped between mine. He sucked in a breath and then something stuttered in his gaze.
“Whoever you meet will be one lucky son of a bitch.”
But it wouldn’t be him.
I could read between the lines.
My heart broke right there in the passenger seat of his truck. There was no denying I had given him the perfect opportunity to talk about any feelings he might have had for me.
And then, like the lovesick fool I was, I couldn’t look at him. So, I turned my head and pulled out of his reach.
“Yep, so lucky.” I scrambled out of the car as fast as my body would move, willing the tears that threatened not to fall.
This was what I wanted, though, wasn’t it? To be able to put my feelings for him to bed. To start to get over him. To move on from him.
Yeah, he’d been blasé about women and his love life in general, but he was nothing short of adamant that I should date.
I’d taken my shot, being careful not to make things awkward between us, now it was time to end this stupid crush that I’d been harboring for him.
I just had to pray that now I knew for certain he didn’t want me, I’d be able to let it go.