Chapter 15 #3
“I guess not. I really... I guess not. But he was. I don’t really know what he thought was going to happen. Maybe he freaked out in the moment and he thought that we could come back from it.”
“Do you care?”
She dropped her hand from his back. “No. I don’t.
I don’t actually care what he was thinking.
I don’t care what he thought would happen.
I also don’t need to let myself be hurt by what he said.
Because the whole idea that I might just be my mom, that...
that’s simple. It’s not giving enough credit to me, or to her. ”
“How do you mean?”
“I don’t know how unhappy she was. I love my dad, and I think I’ve let that blind me to that aspect of the situation.
It’s hard for me to imagine him being the villain in her story, and I’m not sure that villain is even the right word, but he wasn’t the hero.
She married the wrong guy, I think, and the fact that both of my parents’ second marriages have lasted so long really seems to sell that to me.
And I think my dad cared so much about how things looked, cared so much about keeping everything together that he would have stayed.
Just like me. Just like I would have done with Alan.
He would have stayed and he would have let himself be just a little less happy than he should be.
I can’t remember what it was like for him with my mom.
But I know that he’s happy with my stepmother.
I know that he loves her. I bet it would be hard for him to admit that maybe she was the right person for him all along because it might absolve my mom in some way, and I think he’s angry at her mainly because of us.
Because of the kids. But I could never understand the nuance of adult happiness, of romantic relationships, all I knew was that my mom chose something that everyone around me acted like was beneath her over her family. ”
“I get that it’s tempting to romanticize obsession,” he said. “But my mom basically did the same thing, it was just that we kept on living with her.”
“In what way?”
He shifted, lay down on the edge of the bed facing her, head propped up on his hand. “Cody and Lila’s dad was the love of her life. And she was just obsessed with him. To such an unhealthy degree she—”
Right then, she could see that he realized what he had just said. At the same moment that she fully processed what had come out of his mouth.
“Cody and Lila’s dad?”
Walker shook his head. “He’s not my dad. I think most people suspect that. Cody definitely does. But I didn’t tell him that I know for sure.”
He spoke the words slowly and deliberately, and she held on to each and every one of them.
He was telling her something that not even his brother knew.
And why? Just because they were naked? She had a feeling he didn’t bare his soul like this to everybody that he slept with.
All she could do was watch him intently as he kept on talking.
“My mom’s whole narrative was how David was faithless.
She worked for him, out at the ranch. She was a maid.
And he seduced her when she was nineteen.
He was way older than her. And it was obsession for her.
She thought it was love. She always said there was no one else for her, but she went out at night.
She drank. I know she was with other men, but she would swear she wasn’t until her dying day, because even though sometimes I think she didn’t think of him all the time, she needed that narrative.
She needed it, because it excused her being single, it excused her having Cody with him, and then I think it was easiest for her to pretend that I was part of that too.
She wanted him to be the simple villain in the story, the faithless one, the one that didn’t take care of his kids, and he was the villain.
He was. He fucked her up, and he did it pretty damned efficiently, but I think she was afraid of people knowing how much he fucked her up.
To the extent that she was always trying to wash him away with other partners.
I think she wanted me to be his. Because again, it was a good part of the story.
I don’t think she thought she was lying.
But DNA testing doesn’t lie. Even though people do. ”
“When did you find out?”
“I found out who he was, confirmed it all about two years ago. He’s never logged back into his account. He doesn’t know. I don’t want to know him. I did a whole background check on him, and he’s actually worse than David Reynolds. Which is saying something.”
“Walker...”
“I know how you feel. Feeling like you want to outrun pieces of your parents. I always have. I don’t know if I’ve done it successfully.”
“Why haven’t you told anyone else?”
He looked like he didn’t know what to say. He sat for a moment in total silence. “I don’t know. Any more than I know why I told you just now.” He sat up again. “Mainly though, I don’t think our parents get to define us. Mainly, I think that we just have to make our own way.”
“And I don’t think I want to talk anymore.”
He scooped her up off the bed then, and she clung to his shoulders as he carried her toward the bathroom. “I think I’d rather have a shower.”