Chapter 21 #2
But her dad had just made it so that she thought through the consequences of everything. And when it came to new experiences, it was hard to do that. Because who could know what the consequence was of something they had never done? Then you couldn’t walk yourself through it, couldn’t figure it out.
So the drive out to the valley where they were camping was a relatively long one, considering that they were still on ranch property.
And it was beautiful. The mountains changed, evolving from sharp, craggy rocks with evergreens growing up the side, to mountains that were more bare, and then rounded, almost hills that were striped with finely powdered sand, black and red, like paintbrush strokes.
“It’s beautiful out here,” she said. “I can’t believe I’ve never been here.”
“You’ve never even been up to Painted Ridge?”
“No.”
“Seriously? Not even to make out? Everybody used to go up there and make out.”
The ridge itself wasn’t on the ranch property, she knew. And she also was well aware that it was a popular makeout spot.
“No. I didn’t do making out in cars. I couldn’t risk getting caught.”
“Who cares? Oh, I guess... I guess you did.”
“Yes. I didn’t have sex with Alan until after graduation.
We were going to different colleges, and I felt like we should sleep together because we were going to break up and it didn’t seem right to have dated him off and on that long without...
I don’t know, I liked the idea of my high school boyfriend being my first.”
“Do you plan everything out like that? You have a rationale for every guy you’ve slept with. And it sounds to me like you gave every excuse except that you wanted him.”
“Yeah. That’s true. I did do that. Except you. I just wanted you. And that was true back then. Anna told me that she thinks you wanted me too.”
The words tumbled out of her mouth before she could stop them.
He didn’t say anything.
“Of course I did. I wanted you so much I couldn’t see straight. And you hated me.”
“I didn’t hate you—”
“I know that now. I do. But, I didn’t know it then. When you were mean to me, it fueled something inside of me, that same kind of anger that drives me now. I just love the idea of proving people wrong. And I loved doing it to you. I got off on not responding to it.”
“So you were doing that on purpose? I just thought you really didn’t... I mean, I really thought that you didn’t care.”
“Oh, I fucking cared,” he said. “I cared so much. I about made myself sick with it. You know how high school crushes are.”
A crush. He’d had a crush on her, which meant that he more than wanted her. He’d had feelings for her. Even if crushes were unreliable, didn’t actually speak to deep feelings, it didn’t much matter. It still meant something.
“Oh.”
“Yeah. Sorry. Didn’t mean to be a sad sack. It’s not a big deal. We all have crushes, we get over them.”
“You had a crush on me, and I did that to you.”
“Yeah,” he said.
She put her hand over her mouth, tears sliding down her cheeks. “I know we’ve been over this, but I’m just so sorry. Even apologizing to you, I’ve mainly thought about myself. What I was doing, what my motivation was. But I didn’t even think that you... that you liked me.”
“I liked you and I hated you. You were the absolute bane of my existence. And the person that I wanted more than anything else. And that was a pretty twisted up set of fantasies. I’ll tell you that. I got over it. Mostly.”
“Did you really sleep with somebody else that night?”
“I sure as hell did. I did not wait until graduation to lose my virginity.”
“Right.”
“Why did you?”
“To prove that I could,” she said. “Also, I was always kind of running a cost-benefit analysis on the whole thing. I had to decide at what point if I accidentally got pregnant, it would totally ruin my life.”
“Not super trusting of condoms?”
“I wasn’t trusting of anything. But I was on the pill before the first time I had sex, and I had him use condoms. We were still doing that.”
“So you don’t want kids?”
Her heart twisted. “No, I do. You know, I wanted them after I got established. Probably not until after I finished my term. Assuming I win. Or maybe I will want them during my term. But, now my whole timeline is off, so who’s to say.”
“What’s that they say about plans?”
“Man plans, God laughs.”
“Oh, I thought it was something about them making an ass out of you and me.”
“I think that’s assuming.”
“What are plans but assuming you can run the world?”
He had a point. And she felt hollowed out. Just sad and sorry. But there was no point living in the past, she supposed. It was all well and good to get another perspective on all the things that she had done, but she didn’t want to live in that space anymore.
“You know, knowing all of that, I appreciate everything you’ve done for me even more. You really didn’t have to do that.”
He pulled his truck off the dirt road and into what almost looked like a dry riverbed.
Just a long, narrow channel of sandy earth between the rolling hills.
“I did. I had to do that. Because the version of me that I was back then, no matter how much I didn’t want to like you, I would have loved to prove that I could be your knight in shining armor.
I would have loved to prove to you that I wasn’t who you thought I was.
So I had that chance. And it meant something to me to do that. To be that.”
“Well, you are definitely my knight in shining armor and more.”
She wanted to kiss him, wanted to touch him, but he turned the engine off and got out of the truck instead. She followed suit.
“We’ll sleep out here tonight. I’ll make a fire ring, and we can have a campfire. We have plenty of defensible space around here, so it shouldn’t be risky. But of course we won’t leave it unattended.”
He was obviously not wanting to talk about all of that right now.
And fair enough. They roasted sausages over the fire, and she found it all oddly satisfying. She had never really wanted to camp, but she was enjoying doing it with him.
Both of their sleeping bags were in the back of the truck, next to each other, and she climbed in the back and sat there, watching the sun go down as he made sure the fire was completely stomped out.
“I brought some camp coffee-making supplies,” she said. “For tomorrow morning.”
“Oh, I have plenty of coffee-making supplies, don’t worry about that. I have a coffee maker that just plugs into the truck.”
Of course he did. Walker did like his gadgets.
It was part of that puzzle. Because here he was, sleeping out in the bed of his truck, but she had seen his house.
“Do you like nice things because you like them, or because you want other people to see you having them?”
He turned to look at her, his eyebrows lifted. “Both.”
“Okay. Just wondering.”