Chapter 24
Chapter Twenty-Four
Walker saw her car pull away from his house, and he watched the taillights as she drove down the driveway.
And he stood there. He had no idea what to do or say.
He could barely remember how to breathe.
But there was nothing to say, because he had sent her away.
Because the shit that she had made him feel tonight was unacceptable.
Absolutely unacceptable. He had spent his whole life minimizing everything, trying to control everything, and last night when he had come in for dinner, everything had started slipping.
It was like he couldn’t hold back anymore.
And then tonight, Alan had become the focal point for every bad thing that had ever happened to every woman in his life, and he had been damn near ready to kill that bastard.
Because his feelings for her were just so strong, and he didn’t know what to do with feelings like this.
And he thought that maybe if he twisted the knife, took it out of his own chest and stuck it into hers, then it would be something like revenge, and it would give him closure.
But he didn’t want it. He didn’t want to win this game, because it wasn’t winning, and it wasn’t a fucking game.
It was... She’d said that she loved him.
Addison Carey. Addison Carey had said that she loved him, and what the fuck was he supposed to do with that?
Because nobody loved him. And the last time he had ever loved another person more than they loved him...
It was so easy to be angry at his mother.
So easy, because it was easier to be angry, or to act like he didn’t much care, than it was to feel the deep ache of loneliness that he had felt when he was a child.
The fear that he had felt when she wasn’t there and they had to find food, so he made it so that everything was a game and nothing really mattered, because living beneath the weight of that hurt, of that abandonment, it was just too much.
Addison had just been another one of those things.
Something he wanted that he couldn’t have, and he fucking hated that.
He hated wanting. He hated longing. He was supposed to be able to buy whatever he wanted now.
He was supposed to be able to make the life that he wanted, and why did he still just want her?
Why was he still so miserable? He took a deep breath that was something like a sob, and he couldn’t remember the last time he had ever felt emotion that deep.
Before he could think of anything else, he was driving to Cody’s. Then he was on his brother’s front porch, feeling like he was bleeding from a hole in his chest that wasn’t even there.
It was Marlowe that answered the door. When she saw his face, she looked stunned. So he must look as terrible as he felt.
“Walker?”
“Yeah. Let me... Let me get him.”
Cody had overheard, clearly, because then he was there at the door, stepping out onto the porch and closing the door behind them.
“I assume you want some privacy?” he asked.
Walker just didn’t say anything.
“What happened?”
“I did something really shitty.”
“What was that?”
“I told Addison that I couldn’t love her, or I guess, really, I rejected her.
Told her that it didn’t mean anything now, because she only wanted me when I could help her.
” His face twitched, the movement involuntary, and his eyes stung.
“I don’t know what to do. I think I might be having a heart attack. ”
“You’re not having a heart attack,” Cody said.
“You don’t know that,” Walker said. “I feel like I’ve been stabbed in the fucking chest.”
“That’s heartbreak, asshole. That’s what that is. Because you hurt yourself trying to hurt her.”
“I wasn’t trying to hurt her. I just... I can’t do this. I can’t do it. It’s turning me into something that I don’t want to be. Because I’m not supposed to feel this anymore.”
“What?”
“I hate needing someone to care about me. I hate it. You need that when you’re a kid, and when the adults around you let you down, you can’t do anything but sit there feeling like shit, and I hate it, and I don’t want to do it anymore.”
Cody reached out, wrapped his arms around Walker and pulled him in tight for a hug.
“I’m so fucking sorry. But you need people, you idiot.
You just do.” He pushed Walker away from him.
“Do you know what your life looks like when you don’t love the people in it?
It looks like Mom’s. It looks like my dad’s.
It looks like your dad’s. The bullshit that lets you grift people, the obsession with a man and not with your own kids, the ability to treat the mother of your kids the way my dad did, and never see those kids, that is what happens when you close off your heart.
And then there’s you, Walker, because you’ve always wanted to be that, you have.
I’ve watched you. But you don’t have to be that.
You don’t. You try to make sure that we all think you’re not bothered by anything, but you are.
I know that you’re angry at Mom. Because you loved her so much. Because you needed more from her.”
“I don’t want to.”
“Too damn bad. That’s how life works. You need people. And if you don’t, you die alone. I tried to run away from the thing with Marlowe. I tried. I didn’t want to get hurt. But look at my life. Now I have her. I have this. Don’t punish yourself forever because you got a bad start.”
“I don’t think I can do this.”
“Walker Grayson, you came up from nothing, and now you’re a millionaire. Champion calf roper, got a degree, good with investments, great at PR and marketing. You shouldn’t be good at any of those things. You had to work for it. Why would you think you wouldn’t have to work for this?”
“What if I just can’t?”
“Then you’re not as amazing as I thought you were.”
To his outrage, Cody turned away from him, and walked back inside, and closed the door.
Walker knew then that pounding on that door would mean admitting that his brother was right. That he needed him. That he needed people.
So he didn’t knock. He just turned around and got back in his truck, and went back to his empty house.