Chapter 33
Ellie
Being wrapped up in Patrick’s sheets with his arms around me makes everything feel a little bit more okay.
His room is dark and cozy like the rest of his house, and I am comforted by his smell everywhere. If I could stay here and never leave, I would do it, but I’m going to have to face reality at some point.
I knew that dinner with my parents was going to be bad, but how my mom acted at dinner was inexcusable, even for her. I thought Patrick would act as a buffer; unfortunately, it only took her about thirty minutes to start criticizing every aspect of my life.
It doesn’t matter how many times I tell her that I would rather do something I enjoy and make a little less money than do a job that I hate and make a lot of money, she doesn’t care.
God, I even compromised by telling her that I would look into technical writing as a ‘suitable’ job choice after I get my degree, which got her off my back for a while. But obviously, that didn’t work.
When I was younger, I tried talking back and using reason, but it never worked.
Genuinely standing up for myself has never been an option either because I have always been terrified of what might happen.
They’re all that I have, besides Nick, and back when I had nowhere else to go, they supported me—for the most part.
Being my parents' only child has always put an unnecessary amount of pressure and attention on me, but as much as I hate when she talks to me like that, I had always accepted that it’s better to just take it than to cause a rift between us.
While it has always made me miserable, it’s been easier now that I don’t live with them anymore. At least, I thought it was easier.
It wasn’t until Patrick stood up for me that I realized that it doesn’t matter if they are my parents, being treated like that is not okay. It took me the entire car ride to reflect and come to the realization that there is nothing wrong with what I want to do with my life.
Somehow, I got stuck in another cycle of emotional abuse.
Without Patrick’s help, there was no way I would’ve stood up for myself, but now that it has been done, there is no way I can go back to the way it was.
I can’t pretend like it’s okay, and I refuse to try.
Now all I can do is put more distance between myself and my mom until she can accept that what I want to do is valid.
Patrick hasn’t tried to talk to me about what happened yet, and I’m grateful he was able to temporarily take my mind off of it.
When we got to his house, I was not in the right head space to talk about it, but now that I’ve had some time to process everything, I don’t want to leave him in the dark.
He deserves more than that. Even after trying to make sense of it all, I still don’t know if I’m ready, but it needs to be said.
The sheets are soft as I shift, causing us to face each other, and Patrick looks strikingly handsome in the shadows of the room. His eyes are dark and comforting, and his hair is pushed back and a little messy. The corners of his lips move up slightly as he watches me examine his features.
Taking a deep breath, I find my voice. “Thank you for what you did tonight. I really appreciate you standing up for me.”
“So, you’re not upset with me?” His expression is filled with genuine concern, making me feel awful for not talking to him until now.
“No, definitely not.” Pausing to find my words, I place my hand on his cheek and offer him a reassuring smile. “I didn’t know how to feel at first, but it needed to happen. I’m truly grateful that you said something because I don’t think I could have done it on my own.”
He lets out a sigh of relief and leans forward to place a kiss on my forehead.
“You are everything, Ellie. You are caring and thoughtful and intelligent and—” My heart warms at the compliment, and as he continues, he reaches up to place his hand on top of mine. “If anyone can’t see that, that is their own fault. You deserve better.”
Even though we’ve had sex multiple times, this is by far the most intimate moment we’ve had.
Being able to talk to someone without judgment is a sacred thing for me.
My chest gets tight, and it scares me how good this feels.
I chalk it up to the fact that it’s been a long time since I’ve been with someone, but I can’t stop thinking that this might be more.
He looks like he is about to say something, but nothing comes out.
His body scoots in closer to mine and fills the space between us.
Moving the hair out of my face, he places a soft kiss on my lips, and I feel myself drifting.
I know I shouldn’t sleep here, but it’s been a long time since I’ve felt this safe.
Sitting on the couch in my apartment, I find myself daydreaming about Patrick. The way he stood up for me to my parents and to Rebecca is enough to make me swoon when I think about it too much. I haven’t had anyone stand up for me before, other than Nick, but this feels good. It feels right.
We spent most of the day on Saturday snuggling in his bed, trading orgasms, and watching reruns of Parks and Rec.
If I had the choice, I would have stayed forever, but we both knew it had to end eventually.
Despite my body’s protests, it was time to leave, so I managed to peel myself from his bedsheets and made my way home to work on my final paper.
“I would appreciate a text if you are not going to come home." Nick plops onto the couch next to me, sipping on a smoothie. "I was worried sick.”
“You’re not my mom, Nick. I don’t need to keep tabs with you,” I say sarcastically and try to keep my focus on my laptop. It’s not until later that I realize the bad choice in comparisons.
“So?” Nick huffs. “You’re really not going to give me any details?”
“You really want the details?” I huff back, pulling my attention away from my paper.
“Do you want me to talk about how my mom was worse than her typical self? How about the part where she ripped me and everything I care about apart in front of Patrick? Oh! What about the part where Patrick actually stood up to her and whisked me away like some kind of fairytale shit? Or there’s also the part where I jumped his bones as soon as he put the car in park and had too many mind blowing orgasms to count? ”
Nick’s jaw hits the floor, and it’s funny because I’ve never seen him speechless before. I guess that is what I get for going from zero to a hundred with juicy details.
After about a minute of silence, he finally responds, “All of the above, please, and tell me everything.”
In graphic detail, I recount the events of the dinner and don’t leave anything out.
Nick and I have always had the type of friendship where we can tell each other everything, and I’ve appreciated it immensely.
While most of the time it’s Nick confiding in me, it feels fun to be on the other side of it.
To say that there is no judgment in these moments would be a lie, but no matter what is said, we don’t criticize or chastise each other.
I finish my story with the make out scene in the car and leave the rest up to the imagination. If Nick wanted to know, he could ask, and I would tell him. But, I like the idea of keeping what happened a secret.
“Ellie, if you don’t marry that man, I will.”
Thinking he is making a joke, I start to laugh, but when I look at him, his expression is oddly serious. “Oh, um, it’s not like that, Nick. We’re just friends. Well… friends with benefits.”
“Ugh, this is getting ridiculous. We both know that you want more than that! You are just afraid because you don’t have a good track record with the whole relationship thing.
Come on, Ellie. I am the most confrontational person you know, and I don’t even have the balls to stand up to your mom.
You need to take this as an actual sign that he likes you.
” He cups my face, squishing my cheeks together and forcing me to stare directly at him.
“The only other explanation would be that he has a death wish because it would not surprise me if your mom has already put a hit out on him. Please, Ellie. Just tell him you like him and want to date him for real. What’s the worst that could happen? ”
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I mock, feeling a little too bitter. “I have four years of therapy that answers that question.”
Nick sounds sympathetic as he tries to backtrack. “Ellie, you know that’s not what I meant. I just think that you should—”
“No.” I shift out of his grip and pull my laptop back on my lap. “I’m going to ignore you and get back to working on this.”
Nick sits with me for a few more minutes before he realizes that I’m actually ignoring him, so he proceeds to get up and go back to his room.
I try to focus on my paper, but I can’t.
My mind keeps drifting to Patrick, and I hate that I’m scared. He’s been nothing but nice, but my insecurities and past trauma are hindering my decisions.
I hate to admit it, but Nick is right. I should just tell Patrick that I can’t stop thinking about how he makes me feel.
But, I’m still wondering if he is just being nice to me because we are in this situationship or if it is something more.
If he wanted something more, Patrick seems like the type of guy who would say something—who would go for what he wants.
So, if he does like me, why hasn’t he said something yet? Why hasn’t he told me how he feels?
All I know is that I cannot be the one who makes a move first. There’s no way I could live through the embarrassment of Patrick letting me down gently because I misread the situation and made it all up in my head.
Until he does something to show that he is 100% interested in me, I am going to sit back and stay in my lane.