Chapter 36
Ellie
My class is finally over, and I can breathe again.
It is a grad school tradition to go out for a drink after the last class of the semester, so we’re packed in like sardines at Marley’s since it’s the only bar around with decent food options.
The reward of mozzarella sticks and a crisp cider feels like a sufficient exchange for working my ass off for the last eight weeks.
When I turned in my final paper, I felt the stress evaporate off of me, and it’s amusing how relaxed everyone is now with their drinks in hand.
The bar is loud for a Thursday night with different conversations about nothing and everything filling the space.
It's nice to be able to talk about something that is not early twentieth-century authors and have some time to just hang out with each other without the weight of school assignments. While it is a lot of fun, I would be lying if I didn’t say the highlight of the night was the text from Patrick.
Knowing that he is thinking about me and wants to celebrate my accomplishments made me feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside.
Patrick: El, I’m so proud of you! You worked incredibly hard, and you deserve some time to relax and enjoy the rest of your summer. I am swamped this weekend, but let me take you out to dinner on Monday to celebrate! Come by my office at 5.
Reading it over for the third time, I look up to see my classmate Claire with her eyebrow quirked. “You’ve got it bad girl, smiling at your phone like that. Are you seeing someone?”
Although she has no connection to my life outside of school, I don’t want to drag anyone else into our fake relationship lie, especially since a lot of these people will be in the same classes this fall and spring, so I tell her he is just a friend.
And, while it doesn’t feel like a lie, it still feels like an omission of the truth.
My fingers run over the different fabrics as I wander around, letting the texture be the first indication of if I should buy something or not.
Natalie is on the other side of the store with a growing pile of items in her arms and no signs of stopping.
We’ve only been here for a half hour, and she is already obsessed.
This boutique is my favorite hidden gem in Walford, and Natalie’s been begging to come here ever since seeing my dress a few weekends ago.
Honestly, I’m just glad she’s not disappointed.
I’ve been coming here since I was in high school, and their focus on sustainability and accessibility is what has made me a customer for life.
It’s also impressive that they are able to carry so much variety in one storefront.
A lot of places nowadays say they have extended sizes, which isn’t always true, but I love knowing that anyone who walks in will be able to find something that fits them here.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m lucky that I can fit into standard sizes for the most part, but sometimes, it takes a lot of effort to squeeze into items that I like—and then I have to pray that they won’t bust open if I bend the wrong way.
It’s nice that if I find something cute here, there is always the option to choose the next size up.
No squishing or maneuvering myself into something just because it’s the only choice.
When Natalie reached out last week, I was excited. Actually, that’s not true. My first instinct was to be on the defensive.
Maybe I should consider going back to therapy.
I find that when people say that they want to hang out 'in the future', they very rarely mean that; it is more of a formality to appear polite. Although, Natalie doesn’t seem like that type of person, and her actually making these plans prove it. It feels kind of weird hanging out with my fake boyfriend’s friend, but at the very least, Patrick and I are at the point where we would consider each other friends.
Assuming by the way that we chat and hang out, it has to be true.
Waiting for Natalie to try on her countless outfits, I make myself comfortable in the ridiculously cushioned chairs right outside the changing rooms. The couple pieces that I liked, I was able to try on and purchase before Natalie got halfway through the store.
However, Natalie has most of the store in there with her, so it’s going to take a while.
I might as well make myself useful and act as a constructive critic.
This type of stuff makes me miss having girlfriends.
Don’t get me wrong, I love Nick, but I can’t do everything with him.
While he makes a perfectly decent shopping buddy, it's more fun when both people get to try on clothes—and do a little fashion show. Over the last few months, I’ve thought about asking Lily to hang out, but considering our schedules are basically the exact opposite right now, I think I will have to wait ‘til I graduate for a time that works for both of us.
Instead of distracting myself by scrolling on my phone, my thoughts are stuck on that night in the hotel room , and I can’t help but feel ridiculous remembering what happened.
My brief, but intense, jealousy when Rebecca lied to me about Natalie and Patrick.
It's crazy how it seemed so believable in that moment.
My mind is still drifting through that chaotic night when Natalie walks out of the fitting room. She is gorgeous, and I know I could not compete with her if Rebecca’s lies were anywhere close to the truth.
Watching her do a little spin, I get pulled back in the moment.
Her short black hair hits right above her shoulders, showing off the tie detail on the shoulder of the blouse, and the yellow is a perfect complement to her olive skin tone.
This is the third outfit she has shown off, and everything has looked incredible so far.
“That is perfect for you!” I gush.
“Ellie!” She wines, and I can’t help but smile. “If you keep saying everything is perfect, I’m going to be broke by the time we walk out of here!”
She doesn’t sound annoyed, but she is letting on like she is.
I shrug. “It’s not my fault you are stunning, and your taste is immaculate.”
“Ugh, fine! I’ll get it.” She twirls around, checking herself out in the full length mirror. “You’re a bad influence on me, but I think I’ll keep you around anyways.”
I laugh in response as she finds her way back to the fitting room.
Killing time, I pull out my phone and shoot a text to Patrick.
It’s probably not weird to keep him updated, seeing that I’m hanging out with his coworker and friend.
And, there might also be the smallest fact that I want to talk to him.
Ellie: Having fun with Natalie! Why are you coworkers so much cooler than you? *sticking out tongue emoji*
Patrick: Whatever she says about me is not true!
Patrick: Unless it’s something good then it is definitely 100% true.
Patrick: Glad you’re having a good time *heart emoji*
I don’t realize that I’m smiling like an idiot until Natalie comes out to show me a flowy off-the-shoulder dress that is perfect for this weather.
She comes over to me with excitement in her voice. “Don’t tell me! It’s a text from Patrick?”
Confirming her suspicions, I nod. My attempt to wipe the grin off my face is completely pointless.
Her face lights up as she leans against my chair. “I’m not going to lie, it’s really nice to see him like this.”
“What do you mean?”
“You know, all in love and stuff.” She twirls in her dress in front of the mirror, and I feel the heat rushing to my cheeks.
Trying to save face, I laugh it off. “Oh god, I don’t know about all of that. We’ve only been dating for a few months. I don’t think he’s in love with me. That’s ridiculous!”
Sitting in the chair next to mine, she takes a moment to smooth out the front of her dress before talking.
“Listen, Ellie, I’m going to let you in on a little secret because I like you a lot.
Patrick is great. He is one of my best friends, but he’s always been a little too grumpy and much too focused on work.
I noticed a change back at the end of June, but I couldn’t figure out what it was.
Then he brought you to the happy hour and the company weekend, and it was more than obvious you were the change.
He has no clue how transparent he is, but trust me, he is obsessed with you.
It's honestly funny how much his demeanor has changed. He is just so much… happier than I’ve ever seen him.
I’ve been talking to Wes, and we both have never seen him like this.
And, that’s saying a lot since Wes and I never agree on anything.
Even if he hasn’t said it yet, he’s in love with you. Hell, he might not even know it yet.”
She glides back into the dressing room, leaving me stunned.
It is killing me that I can’t confide in Natalie right now and ask her a million more questions. I can’t let her get suspicious about anything, especially now that I feel like I've made a friend, but her words weigh heavily on my thoughts.
I always thought that Patrick was a really good actor when we were together.
His affection. His words. His thoughtfulness.
That’s not what she is talking about though.
She wasn’t talking about what he is like we are together—this is when he’s at work.
That part of him shouldn’t be affected by me, but for some reason it is.
The rest of my afternoon is spent wondering if Patrick could actually like me more than just a friend.
We are definitely compatible sexually. He makes me laugh.
I feel safe when I’m around him. He smells really good.
I am happy whenever we are together. My chest flutters whenever I get a text from him or think I get a text from him. The list goes on and on.
While I don’t want to admit that I’m actually falling for him, I don’t know what else this could be. Lust? Infatuation? But, those both feel wrong.
Despite all of this information, I still find myself hesitating, and I hate that I am scared. Shutting myself out from other people has been the main way of protecting myself after all of these years, and it would be easy to do it again.
The constant volleying in my head is giving me a headache.
I’ve been hurt before, and I refuse to let it happen again.
I refuse to let someone treat me like my ex did.
But, I think back to everything that Patrick has done over the last two months.
The way he held my hand and talked me down when he noticed that I was on the verge of a panic attack.
The way he took care of me the night I was insanely drunk and didn’t even try to make a move, despite me spilling my dirty sexual desires to him.
The way he stood up to my mother because he couldn’t handle her talking badly about me.
Patrick has shown me through his actions that he is nothing like my ex.
Fuck it, I’m going to tell him.
I’m going to tell him that I want more—I want to be with him for real. If he doesn’t want that, then I’ll move on, but I can’t go any longer without knowing if he feels the same.