Chapter 19 The Last Insecurity #2
"Do you want me to walk with you?"
Ethan hesitated.
Then he nodded.
They left the cafeteria together.
For several minutes, neither spoke.
The campus was busy around them, but Ryan didn't fill the silence.
Eventually, Ethan said, "I'm sorry."
Ryan looked at him.
"For what?"
"Being distant."
Ryan shook his head.
"You don't have to apologize for needing space."
Ethan looked down.
"I don't know what's wrong with me."
Ryan stopped walking.
"Nothing is wrong with you."
Ethan looked at him.
Ryan continued gently.
"Something is hurting you."
Ethan's eyes filled with emotion.
"I thought I was better."
Ryan waited.
"I really thought I was."
They sat on a bench beneath a tree.
Ryan didn't touch him immediately.
He wanted Ethan to know that he could speak without being pressured.
Ethan stared at his hands.
"The fear came back."
Ryan nodded.
"I figured."
"It felt exactly like before."
Ryan remained quiet.
"I started checking my shirt again. I kept thinking people were noticing me. Yesterday, someone moved toward the door during class, and I immediately thought they were trying to get away from me."
Ryan's expression softened.
"Ethan..."
"I know it might not have had anything to do with me."
"But your mind told you it did."
Ethan nodded.
"Exactly."
He rubbed his face.
"I hate that."
Ryan waited.
"I hate that one stupid moment can make me feel like I've gone backward months."
"You haven't."
"It feels like I have."
Ryan understood.
Progress was difficult to measure when fear returned.
Sometimes one bad day could make every good day feel unreal.
Ethan's voice became quieter.
"I thought I had finally stopped caring."
Ryan looked at him.
"You don't have to stop caring."
"I thought that was the goal."
"No."
Ryan shook his head.
"The goal was never to become someone who doesn't feel anything."
Ethan looked at him.
"The goal is to stop letting the fear decide everything."
Ethan looked away.
"But yesterday, it did."
"Yesterday."
Ryan emphasized the word.
"Not forever."
Ethan was quiet.
Ryan finally reached for his hand.
Ethan let him take it.
"I think I'm scared that I'll always be like this."
Ryan squeezed his fingers.
"You might always have moments when you feel insecure."
Ethan's expression fell.
Ryan continued before he could misunderstand.
"That doesn't mean you'll always feel this way."
Ethan looked at him.
"There is a difference."
Ryan smiled gently.
"You don't have to become a completely different person to heal."
Ethan's eyes became wet.
"I don't know how to do this."
"You don't have to know everything today."
"What if it happens again?"
"It probably will."
Ethan stared at him.
Ryan gave him a small smile.
"You're human."
Ethan laughed weakly.
"That's not very comforting."
"It is if you let it be."
Ryan leaned back.
"You've had difficult days before. You will have them again. So will I."
Ethan looked at him.
"You?"
"Of course."
Ryan nodded.
"I still have moments when I remember things people said to me years ago."
Ethan's expression softened.
"Even now?"
"Even now."
Ryan smiled.
"The difference is that I don't believe those people anymore."
Ethan nodded slowly.
"And you don't have to believe yours."
Ethan looked down.
"What if I do?"
"Then tell me."
"What?"
"Tell me when you believe them."
Ethan's eyes lifted.
"Tell you?"
"Yes."
Ryan squeezed his hand.
"Don't disappear."
Ethan's lips trembled slightly.
"That's what I did."
"I know."
"I'm sorry."
"I know."
Ryan moved closer.
"But you came back."
Ethan nodded.
"I almost didn't."
"Why?"
"Because I was embarrassed."
Ryan's expression softened.
"About what?"
"About being insecure again."
Ryan shook his head.
"You never have to be embarrassed with me for being embarrassed."
Ethan laughed quietly through the emotion.
"That's a confusing sentence."
Ryan smiled.
"You know what I mean."
"I do."
They sat quietly.
Ryan looked at Ethan.
"Do you remember what you told me after your competition?"
Ethan thought.
"That I didn't have to win for you to be proud of me."
"Exactly."
Ryan's voice softened.
"The same thing applies here."
Ethan listened.
"You don't have to be confident every day for me to love you."
Ethan's eyes filled again.
"You don't have to be comfortable every day."
Ryan continued.
"You don't have to feel good about your body every morning."
Ethan swallowed.
"And you don't have to prove that you've changed."
Ryan took his hand.
"You just have to be honest about where you are."
Ethan looked at him for a long time.
"I was afraid you'd get tired of me."
Ryan's expression changed.
"Why?"
"Because I keep having the same problem."
Ryan shook his head.
"It's not the same problem."
"What do you mean?"
"The first time, you believed you had to hide."
Ryan paused.
"Now you're afraid of feeling like you have to hide again."
Ethan looked thoughtful.
"That's different."
"Very."
Ryan smiled.
"You're not starting over."
Ethan took a slow breath.
"I don't feel like I've made much progress."
"That's because you're measuring progress by whether the fear appears."
Ethan looked at him.
"Try measuring it by what you do when it appears."
Ethan's eyes softened.
Ryan continued.
"You were scared yesterday."
"Yeah."
"You walked away."
Ethan looked down.
"Yeah."
"But today, you told me."
Ethan looked back at him.
Ryan smiled.
"That's progress."
For several seconds, Ethan said nothing.
Then he leaned into Ryan.
Ryan wrapped his arms around him.
Ethan rested his head against Ryan's shoulder.
"I don't want to fight this alone."
"You don't have to."
"I know."
Ryan held him.
"That's my promise."
Ethan lifted his head.
"What promise?"
Ryan looked directly into his eyes.
"I can't promise you'll never feel insecure again."
Ethan nodded.
"I can't promise nobody will ever say something hurtful."
Another nod.
"I can't promise you'll never have a bad day."
Ryan gently squeezed his shoulder.
"But I can promise that when those days come, you don't have to face them alone."
Ethan's eyes closed briefly.
"Okay."
"If you're scared, tell me."
"Okay."
"If you need space, tell me."
"Okay."
"If you need me to sit beside you without talking, I'll do that too."
Ethan smiled.
"Okay."
Ryan smiled back.
"But don't disappear."
Ethan shook his head.
"I won't."
Ryan believed him.
Not because Ethan had made a perfect promise.
Because this time, Ethan understood what the promise required.
It wasn't about never struggling.
It was about staying connected while he struggled.
They remained on the bench for a while.
The campus continued around them.
Students passed.
Cars moved along the road.
Someone laughed nearby.
Life went on.
Ethan didn't check his shirt.
He didn't scan the faces around him.
He simply sat beside Ryan.
After a while, Ethan looked at him.
"I think I know what scared me most."
"What?"
"I thought accepting myself meant I was supposed to stop being insecure."
Ryan shook his head.
"No."
"It means I can be insecure and still know I'm okay."
Ryan smiled.
"Exactly."
Ethan took a breath.
"And I can be afraid and still stay."
"Yes."
"And I can have a bad day without deciding that all my progress was fake."
Ryan nodded.
"Yes."
Ethan smiled.
"I think I needed to hear that."
"I know."
Ethan leaned closer.
Ryan kissed his forehead gently.
They stayed together until the tension in Ethan's shoulders finally disappeared.
The fear hadn't vanished.
Ryan knew that.
Tomorrow might bring another difficult moment.
Next week might bring another reminder of everything Ethan had once been afraid of.
But Ethan had learned something more important than how to eliminate insecurity.
He had learned that insecurity didn't have to isolate him.
He could speak.
He could ask for help.
He could let someone stay.
And Ryan could stay without trying to control or fix him.
Ethan reached for Ryan's hand as they stood.
Their fingers intertwined.
"I'm ready to go back."
Ryan smiled.
"Okay."
They started walking toward the dorm.
Halfway there, Ethan stopped.
Ryan turned.
Ethan smiled.
"Thank you for waiting."
Ryan squeezed his hand.
"I wasn't going anywhere."
Ethan looked at him.
For a moment, the words settled between them.
Then Ethan nodded.
He trusted Ryan.
Not because Ryan had promised to remove every fear from his life.
Because Ryan had promised to stay beside him while he faced them.
And this time, Ethan chose to trust that promise.
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