12. Brooke
brOOKE
Ibarely remembered falling asleep.
One minute, I was staring at my phone, smiling as I waited for another text from Brayden, and the next, my alarm was blaring from my nightstand. I hadn’t gotten much sleep. Maybe four or five hours. I should’ve felt exhausted, but I wasn’t.
I wasn’t exactly rested either. Not even close. Every muscle in my body reminded me that I’d stayed up way too late, but for the first time in months, it didn’t feel like I was dragging myself out of bed. Instead, I was eager to get up and start my day.
The thought gave me pause, but I didn’t have time to overthink it.
I had a full day ahead, so I threw on a pair of slacks and slipped into one of my favorite button-downs before hurrying down the hall to Anslee’s room.
She was already standing in her crib, stepping side to side as she held onto the rails.
Her eyes lit up when she saw me. “Mama!”
“There’s my girl!” I couldn’t help but smile as I scooped her into my arms and kissed her chubby cheek. “Did you sleep good?”
“EEK!”
Her morning happy squeals were always a good sign. It meant she was in a good mood and wouldn’t mind a few extra kisses. I leaned in and nibbled on her neck just below her ear, and she squealed even louder. “Alright, little missy. We need to get you changed.”
I changed her diaper while she babbled nonstop about things only she understood, and she continued babbling as I tried to pull her dress over her head.
I quickly realized she’d already outgrown it and sighed, “Oh, man. There goes another one. I guess we’ll have to go do a little shopping this weekend. What do you think about that?”
She didn’t respond.
She was too busy playing with the tie on the yellow dress that no longer fit. I stepped over to her closet and grabbed a pair of blue overalls and a t-shirt. A few minutes later, she was dressed and sitting in her highchair with a handful of Cheerios.
I finished buttoning my shirt and twisted my hair into a messy bun before pouring myself a cup of coffee. The smell alone was enough to have my mouth watering. I was in the middle of my first sip when Anslee called out, “Mama!”
I looked over, and she was holding up a handful of Cheerios. “You’re gonna share with me?”
I leaned down, and she shoved them in my mouth. I pretended to gobble them up and said, “That’s the best breakfast I’ve had in weeks.”
She clapped, and I smiled as I leaned down and kissed the top of her head. I reached over, grabbed her daycare bag from the hook, and looked inside, making sure there were plenty of extra clothes, diapers, wipes, and snacks.
I added her juice and lunch for the day, then zipped it up and set it aside. I’d just reached for my own lunchbox when I heard footsteps behind me. I glanced over and spotted Ryan walking in with sleepy eyes. I kept working on my lunch as I said, “Hey.”
“Hey,” he clipped. “You’re up early.”
“I wanted to get an early start.”
“You got a big day ahead?”
“Hope so.”
He opened the cabinet, grabbed a coffee mug, and started filling it as he watched me make my sandwich.
I pretended I didn’t feel his eyes on me, but I did.
I could feel them burning against my skin as I wrapped my sandwich and started gathering my fruit and yogurt.
As soon as I started putting it all into my bag, he asked, “Where’d you go? ”
“What?”
“Where did you go?” His voice was strained as he told me, “You’ve been gone since you left here yesterday.”
“I’m standing right here, Ryan.”
“You know what I mean.”
I continued packing as I told him, “I’ve just got a lot on my mind.”
“I know.” He wasn’t accusing me, and somehow, that made it worse. “You were up pretty late last night.”
Silence settled over us, but I kept moving.
I knew if I stopped, he would expect an answer, and I didn’t have one to give. Anslee banged a spoon against her tray, completely oblivious to the weight filling the room. After a few moments, Ryan took a slow breath.
“Were you talking to him?”
“Yes.”
“About.”
“Anslee.”
“Anything else?” he pushed.
“Ryan.”
I was avoiding the answer.
I didn’t want to lie to him, but I wasn’t ready to get into it with him or anyone, for that matter. I didn’t know how to explain what was going on in my head, especially when he knew our history.
There was no way to explain how I took one look at Brayden and all the love I’d once had for him came rushing back.
And there was no way I could tell him how I longed to feel his arms around me, his mouth on mine, and to spend the night tangled in the sheets, staring up at the stars like we used to.
It didn’t matter.
He already knew.
He looked down into his coffee for several long seconds before asking so quietly I almost missed it. “Do you care about me at all?”
“You know I do.”
The answer came without hesitation. I did care. I’d cared about him from the start. He looked up at me, searching my face, and some tension left his shoulders. Then he asked the question I wasn’t prepared for.
“Do you still love him?”
The air left my lungs.
“Do we have to do this right now?”
“It’s just a simple question between friends.”
“It doesn’t feel that way.” I looked over at Anslee, hoping a glimpse of her might ground me. She was smashing what was left of her Cheerios and looked quite proud of herself. Despite the hard look Ryan was giving me, I smiled and said, “Careful there. You’ll make a mess.”
“I’m just asking a simple question.”
I picked up a washcloth and gently wiped cereal from Anslee’s chin, then lifted her into my arms. “I still care about him, Ryan. I always have.”
Ryan stepped in front of me, blocking my way as he pushed, “Even after what he did.”
“It’s complicated.” I rested my forehead against Anslee’s for just a second before finally looking at him and saying, “I don’t want to hurt you.”
“Then don’t.”
“I’ve always been honest with you.”
Ryan looked like I’d just stabbed him in the heart, but he didn’t say anything. He just gave me a simple nod, like he expected my answer, then stared at the wall. Eventually, he looked back over to me and asked, “Do you still want me to be a part of your life?”
“I can’t believe you asked that.”
I couldn’t imagine a question that could hurt more. Ryan had always meant the world to me. He’d stepped up in ways no one else did, and he’d done it without question. He was such a great friend, but in my eyes, that was all he’d ever been.
A friend.
Regardless, he was right. He did deserve an answer. He deserved certainty.
“Of course, I do.” I couldn’t look at him as I said, “But not in the way you want me to be. I never have.”
He let out a breath. It wasn’t dramatic, but it was enough to let me know I’d hurt him. And I hated myself for it. I held Anslee a little tighter than usual as I grabbed her diaper bag and the rest of my things. Ryan followed me to the front door and muttered, “Can we at least talk about all this?”
“Yes, but right now, I’ve really got to go. I have a meeting and…”
“Just tell me one thing,” he interrupted.
“Ryan…”
“Have I ever stood a chance?”
The question hung between us like a wall of hurt and regret. All I had to do was say yes. It was one simple word. One tiny little lie. It would’ve put an end to this conversation for good, but I stood there, silently staring at the doorknob while tears filled my eyes.
“Brooke,” he pushed again.
“I can’t do this right now.” I turned, and his eyes searched mine one last time, looking for hope that I couldn’t give me. “I’ll see you tonight.”
Without another word, I opened the door and carried Anslee to the SUV.
I opened the back door and tossed our things inside, then buckled her into her car seat. I kissed her once more, then rushed around to the other side of the vehicle. I climbed in and quickly started the engine.
As I backed out, I spotted Ryan standing at the door, watching me pull out of the driveway. He was hoping I would look back. I couldn’t. I wasn’t sure which one of us it would hurt more if I did, so I eased onto the main road and drove toward Anslee’s daycare. Drop-off went by in a blur.
Anslee seemed completely unaware that I was struggling as I kissed her goodbye and handed her bag off. I got back in the SUV and tried to shake the heavy feeling that was wearing me down.
I turned on the radio, hoping it would distract me, but I only drove a couple of blocks before I had to turn it off. I couldn’t stand the noise. Every song seemed too cheerful for the knot sitting in the middle of my chest.
By the time I pulled into the agency parking lot, I’d managed to convince myself that work would be a welcome distraction. It usually was. My personal struggles didn’t begin to compare to what I saw in that office, and I had a feeling today would be no different.
As soon as I’d parked, I grabbed my purse and hurried inside.
The familiar scent of copier toner and stale coffee greeted me the moment I stepped through the doors. I smiled at the receptionist as I scanned my badge and headed toward my office.
I’d just rounded the corner when I spotted Dr. Mayfield, Dylan’s counselor, standing next to my cubicle. The second he spotted me, he stood up straight and said, “There you are.”
“Hi, Mark. I wasn’t expecting you this morning.”
“I’m sorry. I sent you an email yesterday and was hoping you’d seen it.”
“I had a busy weekend. I didn’t get a chance to even open my laptop.” I skirted past him and placed my bag on my desk. “Is there something I can help you with?”
“I have some news about Dylan.”
“Oh, I hoped you were going to say that.” I reached for my notepad and pen as I asked, “What’s going on?”
“I think it would be best if Lisa joined us.”
His tone was serious in a way that made my stomach twist into a knot, and it didn’t help matters that he’d asked for Lisa to join us. He wouldn’t ask for my supervisor unless something major had happened. I gave him a quick nod and said, “I’ll check to see if she’s available.”