18. Brooke
brOOKE
“Ryan?”
I thought I was dreaming, but the second I saw the pained look in his eyes, I knew this was no dream.
He was here, and he seemed just as surprised to see me as I was him.
I eased up on the sofa, trying to shake off the cobwebs of my nap.
It didn’t help matters that my heart was hammering against my chest so hard I could barely make a complete thought.
I blinked, trying to clear the fog from my head as I asked, “What time is it?”
“Just after three.”
“Really? I can’t believe I slept that long.”
“Why aren’t you at work? Are you sick or is Anslee…”
“Anslee’s fine. I am, too. I just haven’t been sleeping well, so I took the day off.”
“Oh, okay. I’m sorry. I thought you wouldn’t be here.” His eyes searched mine. “I just came by to grab some clothes and stuff.”
“It’s fine, Ryan. This is your house. You can come by any time.”
My words settled like a weight on my chest. I had no idea how we’d gotten here, and I hated it. All of it. It hurt to even look at the man I’d always considered my best friend, so I looked toward the window, sighing as I looked at the afternoon sun stretch across the living room floor.
“You okay?”
I opened my mouth to answer, but nothing came out.
For the past two years, Ryan had been my person.
I talked to him about everything from issues with my parents to crazy stuff that had gone on at work.
I trusted him to be honest and forthright, and I did the same for him.
We relied on each other, we were always there for each other, and we’d built a special relationship that I’d come to treasure.
I thought it was enough. But that was before.
Before that night at the fair.
Before I knew my heart still belonged to Brayden.
Before he packed up everything and moved out. Things were different between us now, and justifiably so. I’d hurt him. I didn’t deserve his friendship, his thoughtfulness, but that didn’t mean I didn’t want it.
I did.
I didn’t want to lose him.
But I feared I already had. And if I hadn’t, it was only a matter of time. That thought made my heart ache. My life was unraveling so quickly I could barely remember what normal felt like. I wanted to say that to him, but I couldn’t find the words.
He could see that I was struggling, so he dropped his duffle bag and sat on the edge of the coffee table, facing me with a look of concern. “I’ve been trying to give you space. I thought that was what you needed, but…”
“It was.”
“Why doesn’t it feel that way?”
“Because it’s all so hard.” I looked down at my hands as I told him, “I wanted to make sure I’m doing the right thing.”
“And are you?”
“Yes. Without a doubt.”
Silence stretched between us. He knew I’d made my choice, and it wasn’t him. In true Ryan fashion, he didn’t get angry. He didn’t yell and tell me I was wrong. He simply let the truth of the realization sink in. Eventually, he asked the question I knew was coming. “What happens now?”
“I don’t know.”
I wished I’d had a better answer. He certainly deserved one, but that was all I had. He let out a quiet breath that almost sounded like a laugh. “You know, but you just don’t have the guts to say it.”
“Ryan.”
“You want him… You’ve always wanted him.”
His words took my breath. Not because they weren’t true, but because they weren’t that simple.
“I never told you I didn’t. You knew I loved him and how hard it was to lose him.
You also knew how much I cared about you…
You’re my best friend. I’ve been closer to you than anyone, and the last thing I want to do is hurt. ”
“Too late for that.”
“I’m sorry, Ryan. I never meant for things to play out like this.”
“And yet, here we stand.”
“I know, and I’m sorry.”
“When you finally told me about Brayden, I kept hoping that this was about Anslee.”
“It is.”
“It was never just about her.” His eyes met mine. “It was about him, too.”
He was right.
Seeing Brayden again hadn’t brought on new feelings.
It had simply confirmed that they’d never gone away.
There was no way to explain that to him, so I left those words unsaid.
He glanced back over his shoulder and stared down the hallway to Anslee’s room as he said, “I loved her like she was my own… I still do.”
“I know, and she loves you. She has from that first day in the park.”
“I loved you, too.”
The crack in his voice was almost too much to bear. Tears filled my eyes as I told him, “Ryan...”
“I kept thinking if I was patient… if I loved you both enough, eventually you would come around and feel for me the way I do about you.”
“I shouldn’t have moved in here. I shouldn’t have let us get so close. That’s on me, and I’m sorry. It wasn’t fair to you. I was just too selfish to see it.”
“I wanted you here. I still do.”
“I know, and I’m so sorry.” I had to fight back my tears as I told him, “I wish things could’ve been different.”
“But they’re not.” He stood and walked to the window, folding his arms across his chest as he said, “You chose him, and that’s all that really matters.”
“But…”
“No, Brooke. Don’t try to sugarcoat it.” He ran his hand across the back of his neck. “I’m not going to pretend that I understand… This guy disappeared out of your life years ago. He left you to raise his daughter on your own.”
“That’s not fair… He didn’t even know about her.”
“He would’ve if he’d just picked up the damn phone or tried to talk to you about whatever was going on with you two; then he would’ve known. That’s on him!”
“It’s not all his fault… I should’ve told him.” My throat tightened as I said, “I shouldn’t have kept his daughter from him. That wasn’t fair to him or her.”
“Damn. You’re always so quick to defend him. He doesn’t deserve it.” He shook his head. “He’s in one of those biker gangs. I know you know what they’re all about… that they’re dangerous criminals who take whatever they want and don’t give a shit about anyone who stands in their way.”
“They aren’t like that,” I replied in barely a whisper.
“Come on, Brooke. You’re not that na?ve. You know what people like them can do. You’ve seen it for yourself… Women and kids caught in the crossfire of their parents’ bullshit. That’s what you’re setting yourself up for… what you’re setting your daughter up for.”
“You don’t know them, Ryan. They aren’t bad people.”
“I didn’t say they were bad.” He let out a breath. “I said they were dangerous, and they are. It’s one thing to put yourself in that, but you have a daughter to think about.”
“And I have.”
“Well, you need to think harder.” He didn’t raise his voice.
He remained calm and steady as he spoke, and somehow, that made it worse when he said, “That little girl deserves to grow up somewhere safe… You’ve spent years protecting kids from unstable homes and dangerous parents, and now, you’re actually considering… ”
His words trailed off as he shook his head.
I opened my mouth to speak but stopped myself.
There was nothing I could say that was going to make him feel better about this, so I just sat there and listened as he said, “I know he’s Anslee’s father.
Nobody can change that, but she deserves better than this. And so do you.”
I’d taken all I could take, so I tossed my blanket to the side and stood. “You’re wrong… you don’t know anything about him or his brothers.”
“Brothers,” he scoffed. “Didn’t he kill his?”
“Ryan! That’s too far!”
“Is it?” His eyes narrowed. “I haven’t said anything that isn’t true.”
“It isn’t all black and white, Ryan. I love you, and I’m sorry this has been so hard for you.
I wish I could change that, but you’re wrong about him.
You’re wrong about all of it… If Brayden is a member of that club, there’s a good reason for it.
And it doesn’t matter what name he has on his back.
He’s still the Brayden I’ve always known. ”
Ryan grumbled something under his breath.
I knew he didn’t want to hear what I had to say about Brayden, but that didn’t stop me from saying, “He spent years trying to make something of himself. There were times when he didn’t know where his next meal was coming from…
Even then, he was more worried about other people than himself…
He gave his only coat to a boy in the shelter who didn’t have one.
He gave his food rations to mothers who were trying to make do.
He never questioned it. He never asked for anything in return. That was who he was… That’s who he is.”
“Are you trying to convince me or yourself?” He stepped toward me as he said, “Because I already know who the better man is, and it isn’t him.”
“He isn’t the enemy here, and neither are you.” I let out a defeated breath. “You are a wonderful man, Ryan. You have such a big heart… You deserve someone who loves you utterly and completely, but that person isn’t me.”
He stared at me with a blank expression. I knew then that nothing I said was going to change anything, so I just stood there, silently staring back at him. After a few moments, he finally asked, “How much longer are you planning to stay here?”
The question caught me completely off guard.
It shouldn’t have. This was his home. I glanced around the room at the sofa he’d bought with his Christmas bonus, the pictures I’d found at the thrift store, and the bookcase we’d put together over Easter weekend.
I looked over at the kitchen, where Ryan had made Anslee pancakes for the first time, and the table where we’d had our dinners every night, and it hit me.
This wasn’t my home.
It never really had been. It was his, and he’d simply made room for us. And now, the welcoming, loving door was closing. Heat rushed to my face as I answered, “I’m going to need a few days. I’ll have to figure out where we will go.”
Ryan nodded. He didn’t tell me I had to go today, but he didn’t say I could stay either. He simply said, “I’ll be at Tony’s if you need me.”
There was no anger in his voice.
Just pain, and that made my heart ache even more.