28. Deacon
Chapter 28
Deacon
Cade knows how to kill a buzz faster than anyone else. The Leviathan rises to the surface, and all the fluffy feelings that were finally taking hold start to evaporate. I grab a pen and paper off my desk to write myself a note.
Pulling the pen out of my hand, Cade snaps, “No one’s heard from you in days.”
“And that’s my problem?” I laugh, running a hand back through my hair. It’s gotten long and tangles a bit around my fingers. “I told you what I was doing. You asked me to do it here rather than go to the Wisconsin house. You don’t get to be upset that I did exactly what I told you I was going to do.”
Cade grabs my wrist and rolls my arm over, revealing the injection sites in my arm. As quickly as he grabbed me, he lets go, shaking his head with a grimace.
I wince, pulling away from him. My lip curls up into a snarl, and I force it down. “Skip the fucking lecture. It’s just going to piss us both off more than we already are. What do you want? I thought I had a couple days before I was back to being your lap dog. ”
I clench and unclench my fists. Drawing deep, ragged breaths, I hold everything back, struggling against every fiber of my being that demands to lash out and release some of the emotions I’ve kept bottled up about him, about this, locked away.
In the silence of my struggle, there’s a shift in the room.
Cade’s anger fizzles out as he tucks The Leviathan away. It leaves us with cold, sharp fear and sweet sorrow, not putrid pity.
Even his voice changes as it drops in volume and tone. “What can I do, Deacon?” He pulls me into a hug. “I’m sorry. Fuck. I’m sorry.”
I hadn’t realized how long I’d been isolating until Cade’s touch grounds me.
It’s like he’s remembered I’m a person.
“I can’t keep doing this anymore,” I murmur into his hug. “I’ve tried so fucking hard with the ancestors and now with her. I’m sick of spending my days questioning what’s real and waiting for some intervention.”
He nods against my head. “What do you need, Dea?”
“I...” Pushing away from him, I draw a deep breath.
Cade lets me go but watches, interested, focusing on me.
I pace, trying to keep myself focused on the present situation above the thrum of other thoughts running through the back of my mind. “I don’t want you to think this is just something I came up with one night and thought, ah, fuck it, why not?”
“Okay. Walk me through it.” He encourages.
Who is this guy? I know it’s my brother because I’ve seen him before. I’ve seen Cade be this person before, but never toward me.
“Revecca made the ancestors stop when she was here.” I look away from him. “It’s been months of thinking about what she did to me and how good it felt. Cade, she cut open my hand, and it was days before I saw them again. It was...” I scrub my hand down my face, yawning, jaw creaking as I release the tension. “I’ve spent weeks trying to figure out how to ask you about this.” I laugh because what else can you do in a situation like this? “High Deacon has run through every single scenario of how this conversation could pan out between us.”
Panic quickens my heart rate again as I try to push down the thoughts, feelings, and emotions in anticipation of how Cade might respond to what I’m about to say.
“I don’t want to be a wolf anymore.” I let the words drop. “I don’t want the gift, and if the gift comes with the wolf, then I’m okay giving up the wolf too.”
Cade’s eyebrows shoot up in surprise. He waits for more information, cocking his head to the side.
But my words end there. There’s no more for me to say.
“Well, I don’t want to be unsupportive, but while you were”—Cade gestures to me from head to toe—“busy. Your mate broke up with her boyfriend. So, maybe don’t ditch the wolf as the first-choice option, maybe hold that for after a conversation with Revecca about how to possibly make your gift more manageable?”
In the thousands of scenarios I’ve run through my head about this conversation, not once was this a potential outcome. I come to a full stop, standing there looking at him as he watches me.
“Shit,” I hiss.
“Changes some things, huh?” Cade runs his hand back through his hair.
The wolf is still numb inside me. Awake, alive, but numb. It’ll be a while before he truly comprehends .
It’s weird leaning on Cade for answers, but I try. “What do I do?”
He pulls out his phone and checks the time.
There’s daylight outside and it’s March, so chances are it’s an acceptable hour for him to make the call. Assuming he’s dialing Revecca.
Revecca’s voicemail picks up with information on how to contact her staff in Romania.
“Put me on a plane. I’ll figure it out when I get there. How hard can it be, right?” I blow out a raspberry, feeling more like maybe I should sleep it off before I make any big decisions.
But some impulsivity might be the answer to the calculated approach I’ve had to everything.
Henri broke up with Nathan. Should I talk to her first?
Cade rolls his eyes but continues this weird dynamic of support in an unexpected direction. “To be honest, I’m only saying yes to that plan because she waltzes in here like she owns the place, so it’s only fair one of us does the same. And you’re probably the best man for the job to cause equal amounts of chaos.”
He’s not wrong.
“Go get washed up.” Cade wrinkles his nose.
I look down and catch a whiff of my scent. Lena’s voice echoes with the thought, ew.
“What day is it?”
“Saturday. It’s been almost three weeks since Lunar New Year,” Cade answers, giving me a frame of reference.
“Nice.” I nod, getting my bearings. Some things don’t change, though, so I cock my head toward my desk. “Since I know you’re going to invade my privacy and toss out the heroin. The stash is in the top desk drawer, and my sharps container is behind the door. Don’t yell at Dinah. She’s trying to be a good nurse. ”
I turn to leave to do what will make him feel better.
“Can I—” Cade stops himself from calling me back. “Nah, go get washed up.”
“Ask.” I stop and turn back to face him.
“Sometimes you’re not the same.” He pauses and scrubs a hand down his face. “I should call Henri and have her give me a lesson on how to behave correctly with my own brother.”
“I think you’re asking why I don’t always use heroin.” I don’t give him a lot of room to interject. “Cade, I haven’t been as high as you think I have been for a very long time. I’ve been micro-dosing to keep things under control at the very least enough that I could function to be here if you ever really needed me.” I gesture to the desk. “Throw it out, things are going to change. I just don’t know how yet. Okay?”
“Deacon.” Cade sighs. “All this time, you’ve been, what?”
“Well, not all the time.” I smile at him, watching agitation and confusion cross his expression. “But yeah, there have been times I let you think I was in way worse shape than I was just so you’d deal with shit.”
“Why am I not surprised?” Cade laughs, and the tension breaks again. “Go, you smell. I’ll book your ticket.”
Stripping out of my sweats and T-shirt, I toss them into the trash can. After you live in a pair of clothes for an extended period, they never seem to get clean enough to lose that lived-in stench. I’ve tried.
Despite Lena’s disbelief in my laundry competency, I am quite good at getting stains and stench out of fabric, but sometimes it’s not worth the effort. I’m not worth the effort.
I walk out of my bedroom after a shower, dressed in a fresh pair of jeans and T-shirt, heading to Cade’s office to face the music of a stern but caring older brother. But my older brother did not leave my room. As expected, he cleaned up my desk, all drug paraphernalia out of sight and, I’m guessing, on its way to being destroyed.
He’s gone above and beyond, all the way to sanitizing the surface of my desk based on the smell of disinfecting cleaner.
Now, in true control-freak, older-brother mode, he’s going through my computer. Best guess, he’s scrolling through my history, but after a few more clicks, he locks the computer and looks at me. “Booked you a ticket, first class, to Romania. Do I need to remind you of our international incident rules?”
“Don’t get arrested. If I do get arrested, don’t confess to anything. Call Peter.” I list off the important rules.
There are others about not taking drugs from strangers and not taking something if I don’t know what it is, but this isn’t that kind of trip.
“Do you want me to go with you?” Cade offers, leaning back in my desk chair.
I wait for one of his tells, something to give me an idea of what he’s thinking. He sits there neutral with a genuine offer.
“You’d really go with me?” I quirk an eyebrow, testing his resolve.
“Believe me or not, you are worth risking being trapped in Romania forever.” Cade smiles. “I love you. You’re my brother, and I only want you to be happy and healthy.”
“Blood —”
“Fuck the fucking blood tests. I wish I had killed Robert more slowly for all this. You have always been, and will always be, my little brother.” He locks eyes with me. “I know I fucked up putting too much on your shoulders. You were already drowning with trying to exist. You handling all the shit I left behind? I owe you more than you’ll ever hold me accountable for.”
“You aren’t responsible for me being a fuckup.” I try owning my actions, but that little part of me, the dark part, likes hearing Cade tell me I’m not responsible for everything I’ve done.
“You’re not a fuckup, Deacon.” Cade shakes his head. “The choices you’ve made haven’t always been fantastic, but everything you do, you do because you’re trying to survive.”
We don’t talk about me.
Cade and I haven’t ever talked about me.
He’s talked at me.
We’ve set ground rules that I walk right past ninety percent of the time.
But for the first time, I feel seen.
“If it turns out that being human is the only option, I get it if, like, that means I need to figure out how to get my mechanic’s license and move out. A human living with wolves is a liability, and it’s not like I’d be entitled to the fund.” The hours of math I did the other day—Week? Month?—start to sink in. Between the odd jobs and cash in my tins would sustain me for probably six months.
“I’m not throwing you out or taking away what’s rightfully yours because you might not be a wolf anymore.” Cade draws my attention back with a sigh. “But if you give up your wolf, and you get and stay clean and then decide you don’t want to live here, or you feel this need to try and support yourself and do whatever you think it is you need to do in life... I’m not going to stop you as long as you’re safe.”
“Cade?” Thalia’s voice comes from the door, and we turn to look at her.
She’s trying to keep the panic to a minimum, but I hear her heart beating way too fast.
“I’m okay, little red.” I reassure her. “It’s just time for me to take a trip to dish out some payback to Revecca.” I plaster on a smile for her. “Did you know that Romania has the most bears in all of Europe? ”
“I didn’t know that.” Thalia’s eyes are watering, and she does the little squirming of her toes against the floor when she’s uncomfortable.
The high fades further, and guilt sinks in its place.
You hurt our friend. My wolf finds his way back to the surface. And now we won’t be here for our mate.